Husband being so judgemental of others

[Definitelymaybebaby1]

So I've been getting irritated by this for a while but it came up once again in a conversation with my husband last night. We were talking about X, a friend of mine who I used to work with but he doesn't really know (X and I are both female, if that's relevant)

Me - "X sent me a really funny voice note earlier about parenting, I'll play it for you, oh actually my phone's out of battery, never mind"
Him - "why does she voice note not text like normal people?" (Sneering tone)
Me - "she's dyslexic"
Him "you mean lazy?"
Me - " no? What?"
Him - "well she obviously emails and stuff in her professional job so I'm sure she can text"
Me - "yeah but she doesn't find it easy, so when it's casual like messaging me it's easier to talk than type, what does it matter to you in any way?!"

I feel like this sort of tone is how he talks about everyone and anyone at the moment. Friends, family, neighbours, strangers. I feel like he puts himself on a pedestal and looks down on everyone's choices. But has no empathy and human connection to others in how he speaks.

But in other ways, particularly in real life situations, he is kind - he always offers my mates lifts home if we are having a drink, he will move furniture for neighbours, will do skilled manual labour linked to his job for free for our friends.

He's got really into "talk radio" shows like LBC in recent years and listens to them all day. I feel these shows usually have a debate topic then get two people with opposing views to argue on air, and it just promotes division. I'm wondering if this is where it has come from or if it is an age thing that he is getting older and less tolerant.

I know we shouldn't want to change our partners but really hate this part of his personality at the moment and honestly don't think I can't live the rest of my life with it. I don't like him when he talks like it, I find it draining and I don't really trust that he's not judging me too.

AIBU

YABU - he's just talking unfiltered to you at home cos it's his safe space, he's clearly nice IRL it's not that deep.

YANBU - he's being a twat and he needs to stop.

Sounds unpleasant; have you told him in a non confrontational way how he comes across?

I’m not sure what to vote to be honest. I also find this a really draining vibe to be around, my mum does it sometimes and some colleagues are very sneering. I just ignore or say “that’s a bit rude” and move on. But if it’s your H and it’s frequent, then yes I’d have a longer conversation and say that you’re not interested in hearing pointless opinions like that.

That kind of looking down on other people is so draining, I’d be irritated by his sneary attitude too, why on earth does it matter to him if someone sends a voice note? And describing someone as lazy after your explanation is horrible.

I think a lot of men get grumpy and miserable like this when they get older, complaining about everything not being how they perceive as ‘right’, very Victor Meldew esque.

You should get him on Mumsnet, he'd be right at home...

Is he a bit miserable and grumpy perhaps? I do tend to assume that the people who post like that on here just aren't very happy.

He probably doesn't realise he's doing it. Maybe he thinks it's a joke and doesn't realise how unpleasant he actually sounds?

Tell him?

Although, I've got to say I would not want to listen to my dh's friend's 'funny voice note'.

I find that people who are highly critical of other like this are often very insecure. Does he have quite low self esteem?

Maybe he is just getting grumpy and intolerant. Still not good!

Don't most people feel that way about voice noters? I always hear people jokingly say stuff about them, or share memes on FB about them and so on. It's not my opinion, it doesn't bother me.

Yeah I'd say he was insecure when he was younger, ironically he seems more confident in recent years which is a similar time to this new attitude came about. Maybe it's just a new way of making it.

He sounds IDENTICAL to my hubby 🤨 I have had to switch off..he doesn’t have a lot of understanding about peoples’ vulnerabilities, listens to Talk Radio type media and comes across as quite aggressive at home. However, displays a generous, helpful bloke to others who depend on him for maintenance type jobs in their homes.

i have distanced myself and let his comments go in one ear and out the other because any kind of reasoning with him won’t happen..he’s very fixed with his own ideas..

watch out..people on here will tell you to divorce him 😂

He does sound very annoying and judgmental.

That said I dislike listening to voice notes in general and wouldn’t enjoy listening to one from someone else’s friend.

Mine has become exactly the same, from the judgement to the talk shows to the general misery.

What age group are both of your DHs, if you don’t sharing? I’m wondering if DH has met the “grumpy old man” threshold or he’s just becoming miserable for no reason (he’s only in his mid-30s!)

Snap.
My husband can't drive past someone without commenting on them negatively. It's draining and depressing. He's also an avid listener of those sorts of radio shows and would willingly help with any kind of manual job. He likes to be useful.

I feel like I can't say anything about anyone. The ironic thing is he takes no care of his appearance or anything so he doesn't look great himself.

He's a negative soul and more so as he gets older.

Mine’s 60 so grumpy old man syndrome 😂

(44)

Urgh no advice I'm sorry but mines similar. Just this morning on the way to school a dad cycled past with his son on his bike and my son said "I could do that with dad". I said well dad doesn't have a bike. My son said "why not?" So I replied he doesn't like cycling so doesn't want one. My son said "dad doesn't like a lot of things does he?" I obviously placated him with things dad does like and it's fine to not enjoy certain things but I did think it was perceptive and a little sad at 7 years old he's aware that DH is negative (hurtling towards 40, face like a slapped bum frequently).

Mine is 36 going on 37

My DP occasionally falls into saying everything’s shit. I eventually ask him to stop being a miserable bastard because I don’t want to be around one every day. Can’t you just communicate that he’s coming across judgemental and mean and you don’t like it?

You should get him on Mumsnet, he'd be right at home...

Beat me to it.

He doesn't sound very happy.

DH judges people he thinks are lazy (which is nearly everyone!)

There used to be a family that lived down our road. The man regularly wfh, and they had a dog walker. DH decided that the only possible reason they had a dog walker was because they were very lazy ("even though it would have been good exercise!") , and bored me to tears mentioned it nearly every time we passed their house.
It was quite a relief when they moved away! 🤣

But he's always willing to help people out, even lazy ones , lend people money, DIY or gardening tools, even his car, give people lifts to the airport, volunteer at the sports club etc

He fully acknowledges that he's a grumpy old man!

I’m autistic and I can’t stand voice notes. I wouldn’t be rude about it though. I much prefer the written word. I am also a people pleaser and put myself out to help people with the kind of jobs your husband does as I need to feel useful / wanted.
do you think he could be neurodiverse?
I found your point about LBC interesting. I think James O’Brien is an intelligent guy with valid opinions etc…but his delivery is just so patronising and condescending. His voice is just soaked in the tone of “god when are the rest of you going to understand things on my level” and he speaks as if he carries the weariness that the whole world needs him to explain everything to them.

@Eskimalita you have articulated my feelings about JO’B perfectly! I find myself agreeing with almost everything he says yet still rolling my eyes at him. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was as even the his wording is fine, but you’re right - it’s his tone.