To ask DH not to discuss childhood trauma in front of our toddler

[Daisymae55]

Sister in law has come to stay for the week. Her and DH are very close and she is great. Our DD is 2.5 and a proper chatterbox who’s copying everything we say.

DSIL and DH had quite a traumatic childhood with a parent who was violent, abusive and did various horrible things such as attempting suicide as they watched and holding a knife to them.

ive come upstairs to help with bedtime and DH says how they’ve been taking about this parent while drying DD’s hair after bath. It involved SIL bringing up bad stuff DH had forgotten and vice Versa. This happens everytime they’re together and I’ve heard some of the things they’ve come out with and been horrified. I have no trouble with them talking about this stuff as I think it’s good for them to let it out, but would rather not have this discussed around DD who’s copying everything and asking what words are etc. she’s also very sensitive and hates when people are upset and it really troubles her. So I calmly and politely said maybe these conversations can happen away from DD in the future. DH then gets angry that I’d dare say this and “start an argument” as she couldn’t possibly understand what they’re saying. He raises his voice at me in front of DD and I calmly say we can talk about it later and continue getting DD ready for bed

maybe she can’t understand much of what they’re saying, but she understands a surprising amount, and even if she didn’t, I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss around her and she literally copies everything at the moment (I accidentally said shit in front of her recently and that was repeated constantly for about a week 🤦🏼‍♀️)

Was I unreasonable to politely ask for this not to be talked about around DD? Or am I a terrible unsupportive wife for daring to suggest not to discuss trauma in front of DD?

I dropped a very good friend after her visits were always about her ex who committed a violent crime. My dd's were young and didn't need to hear that over and over.. Adult conversations aren't for in front of toddlers ffs...

It is completely inappropriate to discuss these things in front of a child. My siblings and I had a very abusive childhood and sometimes when we were together they would talk about what happened. I did not allow this anywhere near my children.

I know talking can be healing but a child cannot process these conversations rationally.

Your husband is absolutely out of order. Of course you don't talk about violent and traumatic childhood trauma around children. Your daughter isn't a small baby anymore, for goodness sake. His raising his voice to shut you down is totally unacceptable. I wouldn't be impressed at all.

Entirely inappropriate of them. This isn’t something you can drop for an easy life.

It's quite sad really as it sounds like it's so normalised for them they don't even see the problem. You need to revisit this with him at a calm time.

YANBU

Is he someone who always gets defensive when he's told he's wrong? He raised his voice to intimidate you to drop it. Don't let this slide. Your daughter deserves to keep her innocence for as long as possible. She doesn't need to hear or know about her dad's trauma. And he shouldn't want her to.

Also surley they should have been playing and interacting with her whilst getting her ready for bed. Not having a bloody therapy session.

You are absolutely right. Todders pick up so much, including tone and facial expressions. If she is at nursery she might even repeat a few words. Your DH should try and be more conscious of his responsibility to protect DD and make her feel safe.

I think it's easy to miss when your children grow from a baby to not a baby in this regard. My own daughter is 20 months and I'm starting to think about this now, about maybe we should start monitoring what we say in front of her. They can't express themselves articulately yet or of course understand the concepts and implications of various traumatic events so I think it can be easy to miss how much they actually do get. That's why I'd cut him some slack that he really didn't think it was penetrating to her at all (like I wouldn't monitor my speech around a newborn in any way). But not cut slack as in give him the green light to continue.

I guess I'm saying try again when you've both regrouped and explain now she's more of a toddler than a baby there's no telling how much she's absorbing so you both need to keep everything 'child-safe' around her from now on. But I wouldn't rip into him.

This is reassuring thank you.

SIL was on my side and agreed not to discuss around her in future. DH got super defensive.

He can be quite defensive but hasn’t been so much of an issue since having DD. He’s usually very rational and calm and we can normally discuss things we disagree on and compromise calmly. Seemingly and understandably, emotions from their conversation have got the better of him.

Missing the main point but did you bring it up in front of your DD to say can these conversations not happen? That may have contributed to his triggered reaction. I think it was possibly more about delivery not the message.

It's probably the only opportunity your DH gets to talk to someone who he knows will understand
It's a trauma bond they have isn't it?
Very distressing for him & his ds but I agree with you, in principle, but also I get that it must be incredibly distressing for them to have gone through this together. He probably feels he carries it everywhere, that's the way of it.

Maybe you could meet him halfway & invite your SIL round & leave them to it taking your DD somewhere to give them space?

I did. It was getting to the point that they were starting to share some of the points with me in front of her again so I said it to also stop the conversation progressing in front of her. But I take your point that me asking this in front of her may contribute to his reaction.

I totally agree and it’s absolutely important they talk about it.

I've given them space in evenings/while I’ve ran around soft play with DD and while I’ve taken her to playgroups through the week. DH has also picked her up and is dropping her home 4 hours away so they’ve got 8 hours there as well.

i don’t think the 30 minutes of bath time/hair drying they wanted to do together was a fair place to discuss it when they’ve had many hours to themselves to discuss it

But I absolutely agree it is important for them to discuss it and I do try to support them by giving them space to do so. The issue is it’s so normalised for them they discuss it everywhere and in front of everyone, sadly that’s now included dd

Presumably (sorry if I haven't got this) you've explained your worries & that you understand that he needs to talk through things?
These situations are complicated aren't they? It'll be rubbing you in the wrong way but you mentioning this to him would also need to be sensitively put because he might experience that as further trauma. I'd be incredibly empathic & understanding whilst I explain my worries. That's just a feeling & obviously you have to do things the way you do

Could be that simply having a child will increase that distress for them both in some ways but alao he quite healing in another..
What kind of things are they discussing in front of your DD?

Depending on how it was worded/how he took it, but is there any chance he reacted that way, as he misunderstood what you were saying? That he was harming his (sensitive) daughter, by exposing her to the conversation topic with his sister?

I agree, OP.

I recognise this pattern of behaviour from my brother and myself.

Having children does make a lot of the trauma resurface and talking about it with your sibling can help to process it and can be cathartic.

But I agree it shouldn't be happening in front of your child whatever their age.

It's hard though because trauma doesn't just resurface ar convenient times!

pas devant les enfants

I agree OP. They should be discussing this without your DD there. Even if she doesn’t understand now, she will very soon and it’s a bad habit/routine to get into pretending she isn’t there and not hearing it all.

I suppose they can’t really predict when they both feel like letting this out, so perhaps a good thing is to offer to take over care of DD whenever their conversation goes that way with no hard feelings?

I want your DH to carry on talking but…
as a child of someone who went through an incredibly abusive childhood the sadness, burden and depression I felt as these discussions were held in front of me and with me has been huge. It actually contributed to the breakdown of my first marriage as I couldn’t live with it anymore.