To have lost my parenting mojo since my DD became a teen?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

Bear with me on this because the answer is probably really obvious but it doesn’t feel like it.

I feel like since my DD became a teen (she is nearly 14) I have totally lost my parenting instinct with her.

As of now she’s not an especially wayward teen. There’s a fair amount of lip and laziness, schoolwork is patchy but not out of whack with her peers. Nothing awful thank God, no drugs or awful boyfriends or self harm and she is broadly happy with good friends. Her mental health thankfully is good and I have no reason to think there’s anything to be really concerned about.

I just feel all the time that I no longer know how to walk the line between strictness and being relaxed and she doesn’t really talk to me. I never know when to force her hand on homework for example or when to ask her to give me her phone.

I’m not looking for advice on these specific situations btw: just whether anyone else had this nagging sense that you’re doing everything wrong all the time when their kids were teenagers? I literally go to bed full of anxiety about it (and I am not a particularly anxious person).

We were really close when she was a young child and some of that has been lost. I guess that’s normal I just find it harder to connect with her.

Is it normal to feel like this? That you are losing your mooring a bit? Or should I be concerned? Tell me I am being an idiot if you need to!

I hear ya! I am not enjoying parenting teenagers one bit. I completely loved the baby / toddler / primary stage but from about year 8/9 I just seem to be winging it, badly. Hate to say it but I’m looking forward to them flying the nest at this point. Three years until school finishes… and counting. Hoping it gets better before then but I’m doubtful, and my friend with older kids says wait until they start driving or having sex. Whole new ball game. Urgh.

Sounds normal to me, I check in with my son if he’s done his homework but rely on him to manage that himself now (he is 15). I wouldn’t check his phone etc, I think at this age they are entitled to their privacy in this way, but we’ve obviously had the normal chats about what’s appropriate or not.

I think it’s just a matter of being there when needed, but understanding they need a bit more independence and space.

m We were really close up until this point and still have a good relationship, but the earlier years are much more interactive for playing games together, going swimming or something and helping out with homework.

I do get anxious too about if I’m doing well enough as a parent, again I think that’s normal so I wouldn’t worry about it.

At 14 upwards to around 18 they are more interested in themselves and friends… you are only interesting if they need money or a lift. Until they actually need you, at which point they really need you.

if they like food try going out to eat occasionally, or cinema nights occasionally. Be prepared to be ditched for a better offer, just rearrange.

Just stay in contact… they gradually come out of teenager stupor and interact again

I'm not at the teenager stage yet but I say bloody well done to you on getting that far before you started feeling like you're doing everything wrong! 😆

(I'm sure you're doing fine, OP.)

It is a bit harder to connect when they are teenagers but I used to make a huge effort to spend some time each week with my ds 1:1, a bike ride, watching a box set or crappy Top Gear/Man v Food TV program, a meal out or a family boardgame here and there. I think he found it easier to talk about things when we were doing something (or on a drive trapped in the car!). I think it's worked, we stayed close through university but now he's working and moved out the rhythm of the relationship is changing again, he has less time, the world is opening up and he's financially independent.

@Feellikeashitmum24

Urgh God I am dreading that.
Glad it’s not just me.

@HuaShan

It is a bit harder to connect when they are teenagers but I used to make a huge effort to spend some time each week with my ds 1:1, a bike ride, watching a box set or crappy Top Gear/Man v Food TV program, a meal out or a family boardgame here and there. I think he found it easier to talk about things when we were doing something (or on a drive trapped in the car!). I

I do try to do this as well. Sometimes it feels like pushing water uphill: she rarely wants to do anything we me (unless I am providing finance 😀). I never know how far to push it. Up until the age of about 11 I used to more or less force her to come for a walk with me during lockdown but now she’s reluctant to do that kind of thing. I never know if I should put my foot down about stuff like this or just accept that she has her own space. I totally get she has her friends and interests but I don’t want to live entirely separate lives.

I don't love parenting a teen but we have dinner together every day and are going to start going to the gym again. I remember being that age and I barely noticed my parents.
From my twenties on, we had a really good relationship so I think you just have to go with it. Also, I find that they are most likely to chat to you at 11 at night when you are shattered but you have to be available to talk when you get the chance x

I think it's normal, I've got 13 yo twins. I know what I was like in y9 and it wasn't being with my parents. I find the best interactions are when I'm driving them somewhere, they open up a lot more.

The closeness comes back when they turn 18.

I have to say, I have never lost the closeness with my eldest, who, apart from the odd pissy day, has been a dream to parent. They're 18 now and we still do almost everything together, still have chats about everything, still want to spend time with each other and when they're not with me they are online or on the phone chewing my ear off.

My youngest will be a whole different story, I can tell already, even though they're nowhere near the teen stage yet. Teeangers can be hard going, but they need this to find their independence.

My eldest doesn't feel ready for the world yet. My youngest will likely fly the nest far sooner and stand on their own two feet.

Out the other end here ( they are 20 & nearly 18). Really thought I was going mad with Dd aged 13-16. Before that O had felt we were all doing fine. It didn't help that it coincided with Covid. You have my sympathy OP it does get better.

I could have written this^

Agree on all counts.

It’s totally normal op.

They have to move away from you emotionally in order to individuate as an adult.

Don’t take it personally. You are not failing.

Just move your parenting style from top down to supporter alongside them.

Just be there, be a good role model and get interested in your own life again now the early parenting years and over, and keep the lines of communication open for the tough moments.

Generally speaking, let them make mistakes and sort out their own issues, and only step in when you can see potential danger. That way they get the message that you trust them and their abilities.

The fact that you are worrying about this tells me you are doing a good job! 🌷

Oh yes, forgot to say, they come back to you as a fully formed adult and it’s great! 😀

Play the long game op!

I think something that can help is some conscious, good quality 1 on 1 time each week like a gym class you go to together, visit to the gym/a cafe etc (these are just examples that worked for my family).

Does she tell you what you're doing wrong too? My eldest did it was awful and genuinely I struggled a lot that her view of me as a parent did not match mine,

I played the long game. I tried to maintain the relationship I hoped to have with them. I tried not to let the rejection impact and still tried to have time do stuff together and just hoped long term it would work out. But still kept boundaries around respect, behaviour etc.

My DD's are in their 20's now and we are very close.