To ask for more space

Differentstarts · 2024-09-18T17:19:35+00:00

So iv been in a relationship with a man for just over a year and a half on and off. The problem is I have a lot of mental health problems and I have a history of severe childhood trauma/ abuse so I struggle a lot in day to day life and in relationships. I have a really bad habit of switching between pushing people away one minute and being clingy the next and is the main reason all my relationships fail. I really like the guy I'm with at the moment and he does seem to really understand me. The problem is I'm starting to get really overwhelmed with the relationship at the moment I don't want to break up but I do want a break and I was wondering if I was being unreasonable to say to him I only want to see him at the moment a couple of nights a week. Instead of everyday which we do right now. Would you break up with a partner who suggested that. Yabu I'd dump my partner if they only wanted to see me twice a week Yanbu This is completely normal and OK in a relationship

Catza · 18/09/2024 18:27

Everyone is entitled to space in a relationship. We have daily "me time" allocation and we live together. In fact, my partner literally just left the house for two hours to give me some time to unwind after dinner and he does it at least 3-4 times a week. I go out on Saturday and Sunday afternoon to allow him to have the same.

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 18:31

Catza · 18/09/2024 18:27

Everyone is entitled to space in a relationship. We have daily "me time" allocation and we live together. In fact, my partner literally just left the house for two hours to give me some time to unwind after dinner and he does it at least 3-4 times a week. I go out on Saturday and Sunday afternoon to allow him to have the same.

Thankyou for the reply it's nice to know im not alone in really needing my space at times. And I'm glad you've both found a way for that to work within your relationship

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 18:56

Are you seeking therapy to work on these things? I think for me personally it would depend on where I saw the relationship going. I’m married with a baby now but if my husband had said to me he would only see me 2 days a week and couldn’t see this changing permanently I wouldn’t have stayed with him because I wanted a life partner, someone to buy and share a home and my life with, someone to have a child and start a family with, so a boyfriend who could only cope with seeing me twice a week and was always going to feel that way/wasn’t actively taking steps to work out of that wouldn’t have matched the future and plans I/we had. If you’re not planning on moving in together or getting married/having kids and this is more just dating then obviously that is different.

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:02

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 18:56

Are you seeking therapy to work on these things? I think for me personally it would depend on where I saw the relationship going. I’m married with a baby now but if my husband had said to me he would only see me 2 days a week and couldn’t see this changing permanently I wouldn’t have stayed with him because I wanted a life partner, someone to buy and share a home and my life with, someone to have a child and start a family with, so a boyfriend who could only cope with seeing me twice a week and was always going to feel that way/wasn’t actively taking steps to work out of that wouldn’t have matched the future and plans I/we had. If you’re not planning on moving in together or getting married/having kids and this is more just dating then obviously that is different.

I completely see your point and I suppose that's the actual issue I'm not ready for a serious relationship or to settle down and it whether he is or not. Iv been in therapy for ever it's helped in some areas of my life but definitely hasn't particularly changed anything massively. The area I live in the mh services are seriously underfunded and lacking.

OP posts:

Proseccoh · 18/09/2024 19:11

There's nothing wrong with wanting/needing your own space. I feel quite claustrophobic just reading your OP! There's absolutely no need to be with each other every day, and for many people (not all) it's much healthier not to live in each others pockets. So the thing is, why are you worried about broaching this subject with him? And why do you seem to be so hard on yourself? Surely you can have a nice calm conversation where you share your needs and how the current situation isn't working for you right now. Then it should be a two-way respectful conversation where you both share what you would like to happen, and how you both try to accommodate each others needs better. I really hope you feel you can have that conversation, it's in your best interests whatever the outcome, but I'm guessing you can't? If not, why not?

pinkyredrose · 18/09/2024 19:16

Why do you see each other every day? Do you spend the night together? That level of company would drive me nuts.

Definitely say you need more alone time.

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:19

Proseccoh · 18/09/2024 19:11

There's nothing wrong with wanting/needing your own space. I feel quite claustrophobic just reading your OP! There's absolutely no need to be with each other every day, and for many people (not all) it's much healthier not to live in each others pockets. So the thing is, why are you worried about broaching this subject with him? And why do you seem to be so hard on yourself? Surely you can have a nice calm conversation where you share your needs and how the current situation isn't working for you right now. Then it should be a two-way respectful conversation where you both share what you would like to happen, and how you both try to accommodate each others needs better. I really hope you feel you can have that conversation, it's in your best interests whatever the outcome, but I'm guessing you can't? If not, why not?

I think im just worried he's gonna take it wrongly or it's gonna turn in to an argument or him break up with me. I also didn't know if I was being fair to ask that of someone as I feel like I'm saying I still want to be in a relationship but only if you agree to my terms

OP posts:

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:20

pinkyredrose · 18/09/2024 19:16

Why do you see each other every day? Do you spend the night together? That level of company would drive me nuts.

Definitely say you need more alone time.

Yeah he stays over most nights he does have his own place but he's here a lot

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 19:20

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:02

I completely see your point and I suppose that's the actual issue I'm not ready for a serious relationship or to settle down and it whether he is or not. Iv been in therapy for ever it's helped in some areas of my life but definitely hasn't particularly changed anything massively. The area I live in the mh services are seriously underfunded and lacking.

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I think if that is the case then either way you need to discuss this with him. Not every relationship you have is destined for a mortgage, marriage & kids, but if you know this one isn’t for you then you do need to ensure he knows that so that he can decide if he wants to continue.

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:24

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 19:20

I think if that is the case then either way you need to discuss this with him. Not every relationship you have is destined for a mortgage, marriage & kids, but if you know this one isn’t for you then you do need to ensure he knows that so that he can decide if he wants to continue.

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I don't think its the relationship though I think it's me I think I'd feel the same in any relationship I'm in. And actually have in all past relationships which is why they don't work this is why I wondering this time about trying this different approach rather then me going along with it for to long until I get completely overwhelmed and explode

OP posts:

Proseccoh · 18/09/2024 19:30

I actually feel really sad for you. Does he have form for taking things in the wrong way/misunderstanding you? Do you argue a lot? Does he make you feel like he might break up with you? Of course you can ask for whatever you need to make you happy. He doesn't have to agree but if you can't have these conversations then I suspect he's maybe got a bit of power over you? Does he do things he doesn't want to do to keep you happy?

You deserve to be happy, and to feel cared for and respected. I'm not sure you do, and I'm not even sure you know you should. How can you ever be happy when you're not even asking for what you want? I have a feeling this really isn't the right relationship for you, now at least, and I wonder why you wouldn't just say "hey, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and I'm going to do something else tomorrow and the next day, but it'll be great to see you on Saturday?

I mean, I can only say this because I was you in my last relationship, and it evolved into something very very toxic and painful. And if I'd been brave enough to push back more at the start I would have seen much quicker that the whole relationship was all about him and having his needs met and I was supposed to be cool with everything. If I'd spoken up sooner I would have seen the mask fall before I was "trapped".

Mrsttcno1 · 18/09/2024 19:34

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:24

I don't think its the relationship though I think it's me I think I'd feel the same in any relationship I'm in. And actually have in all past relationships which is why they don't work this is why I wondering this time about trying this different approach rather then me going along with it for to long until I get completely overwhelmed and explode

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No I get that, but if you’re not in the position to settle down & have a serious relationship then the person you are in a relationship with needs to know that, so they can decide how they feel about that and if you are in the same place.

All you can do is be open & honest with him about how you feel and go from there.

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:44

Proseccoh · 18/09/2024 19:30

I actually feel really sad for you. Does he have form for taking things in the wrong way/misunderstanding you? Do you argue a lot? Does he make you feel like he might break up with you? Of course you can ask for whatever you need to make you happy. He doesn't have to agree but if you can't have these conversations then I suspect he's maybe got a bit of power over you? Does he do things he doesn't want to do to keep you happy?

You deserve to be happy, and to feel cared for and respected. I'm not sure you do, and I'm not even sure you know you should. How can you ever be happy when you're not even asking for what you want? I have a feeling this really isn't the right relationship for you, now at least, and I wonder why you wouldn't just say "hey, I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment and I'm going to do something else tomorrow and the next day, but it'll be great to see you on Saturday?

I mean, I can only say this because I was you in my last relationship, and it evolved into something very very toxic and painful. And if I'd been brave enough to push back more at the start I would have seen much quicker that the whole relationship was all about him and having his needs met and I was supposed to be cool with everything. If I'd spoken up sooner I would have seen the mask fall before I was "trapped".

No its me I think it's from past relationships where people just don't seem to understand me it makes me more nervous because I do really like being with him just not all the time

OP posts:

AutumnChild99 · 18/09/2024 19:49

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:24

I don't think its the relationship though I think it's me I think I'd feel the same in any relationship I'm in. And actually have in all past relationships which is why they don't work this is why I wondering this time about trying this different approach rather then me going along with it for to long until I get completely overwhelmed and explode

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The way I read this is in past relationships you let your partner's needs come first and you adapted to what they wanted, like seeing each other every day, and this time you are more aware of your boundaries/needs and are a bit scared they might not like it when you actually express your needs and feelings. Many women - myself included - were brought up with the idea that others come first, but this isn't right - your needs are just as valid as your partner's. Healthy, long lasting relationships are all about compromise. If you set your boundaries right from the start, if your partner is the right person for you you will build a relationship that works for both of you; if not, you'll know early on. You might find that over time, you feel ready to share more of your time and space with the other person. No wonder you felt overwhelmed if you had to meet their needs all the time without taking into account yours - this is a normal response and there's nothing wrong with you.

pinkyredrose · 18/09/2024 19:56

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 19:20

Yeah he stays over most nights he does have his own place but he's here a lot

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How did it happen that he's over all the time, was it him driving it?

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 20:30

pinkyredrose · 18/09/2024 19:56

How did it happen that he's over all the time, was it him driving it?

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I don't know it kind of just happened over time.
Him:what you doing tonight.
Me: nothing
Him: can I come round I wanna see you
Me: sure
Then repeat until it became the norm

OP posts:

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 20:31

AutumnChild99 · 18/09/2024 19:49

The way I read this is in past relationships you let your partner's needs come first and you adapted to what they wanted, like seeing each other every day, and this time you are more aware of your boundaries/needs and are a bit scared they might not like it when you actually express your needs and feelings. Many women - myself included - were brought up with the idea that others come first, but this isn't right - your needs are just as valid as your partner's. Healthy, long lasting relationships are all about compromise. If you set your boundaries right from the start, if your partner is the right person for you you will build a relationship that works for both of you; if not, you'll know early on. You might find that over time, you feel ready to share more of your time and space with the other person. No wonder you felt overwhelmed if you had to meet their needs all the time without taking into account yours - this is a normal response and there's nothing wrong with you.

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Thankyou

OP posts:

Olika · 18/09/2024 21:32

Is there any conversation during the day anymore or he just shows up automatically at yours when evening comes?

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 22:01

Olika · 18/09/2024 21:32

Is there any conversation during the day anymore or he just shows up automatically at yours when evening comes?

Where usually both at work in the day so it's mainly evenings we see each other

OP posts:

Olika · 18/09/2024 22:12

Sorry I meant does he ask you if he should come over in the evening or does he just come over after work?

Original poster

Differentstarts · 18/09/2024 22:14

Olika · 18/09/2024 22:12

Sorry I meant does he ask you if he should come over in the evening or does he just come over after work?

He mainly just comes

OP posts:

Olika · 19/09/2024 06:54

You do need to talk with him as if you don't you will end up breaking up with him when you reach your limit. If he breaks up with you because of asking for space to do own things then it wouldn't have lasted in long run anyway.

safariled · 22/09/2024 19:57

you have two young children and already spending most nights with him?