To not want to keep hearing from colleague about how well she's doing

[PatchworkSilver]

I feel really horrible, but most days another self-employed 'friend' messages to say how busy they are, and how wonderful her feedback is. This has been going on for some time. We are both conscientious and well regarded in our field, and there are times she will get more work, and likewise, times that I will. But when I get more, I don't say anything as I don't want her to feel bad.
In addition, we have different lives, she doesn't have children so can work more hours, I have children and other commitments....so what levels of work are comfortable is different for us both.
I have other associates in my field, but we just don't really discuss how much work we each have or from who... that is better for us all, I'm sure.
I am really just canvassing advice on how to approach this? I don't want to upset her and it's nearly all in text messages so if I said something, it'd have to be by text.

@PatchworkSilver you could say something like ‘can we talk less about work, trying to give my brain a rest out of hours as I don’t get much quiet time what with the kids when I stop work’

You could try to ask her to stop, but I don’t imagine she’ll take kindly to your telling her it’s not ‘healthy’ - which sounds really sanctimonious and preachy.

If she mainly wants to talk about her work success, and this irritates you to the point you don’t feel you can just ignore it or give it a 👍🏻, you can just quietly ease off contact and distance yourself from her. You’re not obliged to be friends with people you don’t like, or to respond to late night messages.

But you can’t really expect to dictate what she chooses to talk to you about unfortunately. Big heart to hearts about how this kind of chat is affecting you are only worth it if she’s a very close friend.

I get this @PatchworkSilver it sounds like envy to someone who hadn't experienced this but it's not necessarily that.

In my situation, it's my sibling and my parents (who have just got big sums of money from my grandparents/voluntary redundancy) and are constantly updating our family chat with pictures of their travels and lovely way of living. I'm happy for them but when I'm sat here working FT, with 3 DC, a recurrent kidney infection, cold sores and dealing with a tricky situation regarding sexual abuse from my childhood, seeing them 'living their best life' and updating me on every exciting things they are doing is just too much when I'm dorwning. It's not resentment I'm feeling but just more a 'read the room, it's a bit exhausting'.

I think maybe think what is stimulating you about this situation, think about why you feel that way and then decide what's best. I understand that just sending a thumbs up and slowly withdrawing feels avoidant but matching the energy and addressing head on might leave you with more complicated feelings? Only react in a way that doesn't cause you more rubbish feelings

What about ignoring more (but not all) of these messages, or just adding a thumbs up reaction to the message? Maybe if you're not typing out a response constantly it will feel less annoying. I can see why you're irritated - hopefully just paring down the responses will help.

Her work is her life by the sounds of things, she may not have much else to talk about. It's possibly her way of letting you know she's well/doing good, where as you have family etc to talk about in terms of providing chatter/ updates/ news, and indeed in terms of how you assess your own well-being.

Your places/stages/choices in life are different. I have friends who have nothing to talk about apart from work (and sometimes talk insufferably about their work dramas), and I know I have had times in my life when I was younger that I was in the same place where I was on a hamster wheel of work with nothing really else to talk about that I was doing because I had no time or energy for anything else or everything else in my life sucked.

It may also be that actually she's quite anxious about being out on her own and whether in fact she does have enough work, and is looking for validation/confirmation that she's doing a good job.

I honestly would just leave it as "Glad to hear you are well. Things are busy here as always and the children and I are all well", and then proceed to talk about something that isn't work related. If she's interested in continuing a friendship outside of being a work acquaintance then she will pick up the topic of conversation.

As others say just reply with👍every time.

I have a friend that does this and it completely comes from a place of insecurity.
start doing it back and I guarantee she will notice immediately and find it annoying.
It won’t be enough to stop her because people with no self reflection can’t see themselves in your responsive behaviour.
Just faze her out, stop responding but always be kind.

I would stop responding.

Thank you all.. I've really slowed down my response time and rate and it seems to be helping. I'll be selective about what I reply to. It's made a notable difference this week, in how I feel...I don't want to be thinking about work when I'm not working.

This is great. All you can really control is your own energetic boundaries. Once you stop letting it in / feeling like you have to engage with it and respond to it, it weighs much less heavily on you.