I feel like in-laws dislike me and snub me at every meeting, but DH is blind to it and says I'm the problem

[FinchesGold]

I'm chewing myself up in my mind about this. I have been with DH for 10+ yrs. When I first met his parents, I liked them. They even invited me along to their annual family holiday. Somewhere along the line, I started to pick up on animosity and snubs from them and the brother in law + partner. I have only ever been polite, I am a people pleaser and wring myself into knots trying to make sure I don't say the wrong thing, so every time I met them I did my best to be friendly and polite. But they would respond with behaviours such as:

Only talking about themselves, if I raised a topic, they turn it into a segway to get back to talking about themselves. They rarely asked questions about me.
The SIL would use her phone while on double dates with BIL and DH, so I'd be the odd one out while DH and BIL discussed topics outside of my interest. I tried feebly to join along but it wasn't satisfying conversation.
I can't help but feel like the group dislike me because they don't say hello unless I do, BIL and his son avoid eye contact, his son repeatedly ignored me when I asked him a question, and has made unkind comments in front of the whole family which went unchallenged and ignored, at my expense. E.g. saying I am not really family, mocking me when I had a cough, mocking me as being part of the losing side of football in my own home.
MIL jumped up and down on the spot saying nah nah nah nah like a four year old, because she had something that I didn't. She did that twice.
MIL proclaimed in front of whole family it is rude not to get presents after I expressly asked, well in advance, not to be part of their Xmas presents scheme (especially as they like to ask for very expensive gifts).
MIL has shot sneery looks at me e.g. before I had baby, a sneer for not having kids, or a sneer for daring to have more than one COVID mask of a different colour which happened to match my top (unintentionally).
DH and I went out for lunch with MIL and FIL when baby was a few months old, I stayed in the car to feed the baby in privacy, when I caught up with them they had ordered lunch already. MIL had paid for everyone's lunch, but I didn't think twice about it until she stopped FIL from trying to buy my lunch (which I politely declined). In other words she deliberately excluded me.
She organised annual holidays with the ILs, after years of feeling snubbed by them this time I refuse to go, so I emailed saying I wasn't going and there was no acknowledgement or 'sorry you can't make it'.

DH says he never sees any of this and that I'm probably taking things the wrong way, he maintains they like me. It's caused huge tension in my marriage to the point of it being a primary reason for potential break up.

Am I being unreasonable here in thinking their behaviour is unkind and unfriendly? DH makes me feel crazy by constantly denying any of this and saying I'm the problem.

Why are you a people pleaser and hypervigilant around them? Do you always blame others for poor communication?

Perhaps speak to them openly about it?

You 100% have a DH problem.

Said a million times on Mumsnet already, but you have a DH problem.

Yes, they do sound very unpleasant, unkind and unwelcoming from what you have said here. Your husband seems oblivious.

It’s time to get into your villain era! It’s much more fun, promise! Stop being a people pleaser and start being a passive bitch 🤷🏽‍♀️

The only way to respond I’m afraid op. Quit that exhausting people pleasing and have nothing more to do with them. Let DH deal with them.

Complaining that his family don't like you, isn't going to be particularly effective. Talk to him and give him specific examples, especially after they've done it.

I would avoid doing anything with them and if I couldn't get out of meeting them, would keep it short. If they're not talking to you then look at your phone and ignore them back.

I don't understand why you are being expected to pay for lunches family presents etc, why is that not DHs job? Why is he watching while they all sideline you? Why are you still there putting up with it?
You don't need DH to confirm what they are all doing. He's part of the problem. Don't bother arguing or trying to convince him, he's grown up in this family, he thinks it's normal.

God, OP, they sound utterly horrible. As a PP has said, give your DH concrete examples. His family is bullying you, and he is compounding it by saying that you are taking things the wrong way. He should be sticking up for you. I am very sorry indeed that you are experiencing this dreadful behaviour towards you.

Exactly and fight your own battles with people like this. On MN you're expected to be too weak to defend yourself against the in-laws, OH is supposed to ride in on a charger to defend you, I was always more than willing to speak up myself against MIL!

She's probably hypervigilant around them as she's in flight/fight/freeze mode, watching out for the next slight. Why do you think that she is blaming others for poor communication? The examples she has given are incidences of overtly unkind behaviour, not poor communication.

Dead right.

My son would give me such a bollocking if I treated his wife like this.

At least half your examples are likely to be behavioural rather than personal issues, e.g. eye contact and talking about themselves. For the others, whether they feel you are snubbing them first or you have issues, clearly there is some sort of problem. All of us have family with flaws to some extent; most people just try to get along and make nice at parties, plus have a few favourites they enjoy seeing. We laugh about one relative's exaggeration tendencies, talkativeness of a couple, touchiness of two more... but both sides get plenty of leeway because they are family and it helps for us all to get along.

While I totally see why some of this is mildly irritating, I'm not able to understand why you and your DH are letting it get to the point of being in the way of your relationship, especially given that you have at least one child. Why does it actually matter if people who you already clearly don't like are not always thoughtful of you? They may find you equally rude (definitely would with the Christmas example), but DH is caught caring for both "sides". Is your problem really that DH also shares these flaws, or does he want you to perceive his family as perfect in some way?

You have a DH problem. I also suspect he has been bad mouthing you to his mum and sister behind your back for years so they dislike you based on his words, not your actions.

What is he like at home? Is he responsible and respectful or do you try and change yourself to please him too?

Thanks, that is quite a measured response, I appreciate that. The tension has come from denial of the ILs doing anything upsetting, and him saying I imagining it. And from him wanting me to spend every weekend with them, which I no longer do as it is too much, especially when it is stressful.
On the present thing, I dislike Xmas, it has always been stressful for me, each year I have said I don't want anything from the ILs, and ask them to respect my wishes, they ignore it then make a show of giving me a present in front of everyone, and then MIL made that comment. It was mortifying.
I now barely see them but when I do it kicks up all of this stuff and I worry it will somehow affect my daughter as she grows up.

I think you need to stop spending every weekend with them and also stop spending Xmas with them. Is this possible?

Makes sense why you are struggling with him. It may help to break down into a smaller number of concrete examples and focus on fixing those, while trying to let everything else slide. This is what I would pick up...

Spending every weekend is too much unless it works for everyone. He has to be able to see that he is part of a new unit with you and DD; you both need to integrate with all family and friends as well as having time as your own unit; his desire to spend more time with his family is throwing things out of balance and making your relationships with in-laws too pressured. DH and you need to plan out a calendar that balances both needs; sometimes he can go alone or take your DD there, sometimes family time as a 3 so he doesn't go at all, sometimes you are all seeing your friends/ family and sometimes yes you all go to his family. If they don't behave well on the 1 weekend day every say 6 weeks that you see them, you will grin and bear it (within reason).

Christmas is also a useful one; you aren't respecting their traditions and they aren't respecting yours, so DH needs to help figure out how to get everyone through Christmas. If it helps, DH's family only do child gifts and mine do everyone, we alternate years and we do gifts with my family but not with his. He can scale back gifts he gets his family or not, but just sign from all 3 of you and you don't need to be involved. Every other year smile, say thank you, take home to use or regift as desired. School fair is excellent for regifting random stuff.

You do have a dh problem. Why is he spending most weekends with them? It's to much .
I thinknyou avoiding them is a good plan but does he take your child with him?
Maybe suggest days out without his family and just try not to speak about them .

It will affect your dd. It probably already is. She is learning, and it is becoming part of her psychology, that experiencing disrespect and bullying is ‘normal’ in relationships. Whatever disrespectful crap you put up with from your DH, she will think that’s ok too.

This!
If he cant/won't see it and doesn't have your back. Walk away.

Just don't see them, DH can go alone, I promise you'll feel much better. Don't give them any more head space

I'm going to go against the grain and say it's a you problem!

They gave you a gift at Christmas - wow such a big issue that was them including you

They don't do eye contact - so what? Eye contact is creepy

Your SIL used her phone on a night out - so what? You couldn't talk to your DH and BIL without her?

They only talk about themselves, and not ask you questions - what did you want them to ask?

They invited you on holiday you said no - and they did what you wanted them to do with Christmas and respected your wishes yet you somehow wanted them to beg you to go?

Maybe a lot of it is in your head? I thought my in-laws were being awful to me and even told my DP they were they denied it but I still insisted that's what they were doing. However at a family event where both my family and my ILs were there; I said to my sister do you see that x did ABC and she said "no they didn't they were perfectly nice to you, and they're being exactly the same with everyone" that I realised I was creating issues in my head because I already had the mindset that they disliked me.

Do you have an outside someone who can give their perspective?

It’s all well and good to bleat “Oh, you have a DH problem” but the reality is expecting him to deal with his family of origin issues will be years of therapy.

I think being a people pleaser is part of the problem- it means you have poor boundaries, and poor skills at patrolling them.
Also, and this is the big issue people pleasing means you turn yourself into what you think the other expects. So you become fake, and transparently fake. People much prefer authentic.

My ex-H had a similar family of origin… including the grasping via gifts. But I would always speak up, very very politely, but very firmly. He couldn’t deal with them, but I could and funnily enough I didn’t have any of the issues my SIL had until they learned to grow a backbone.

MIL sounds an immature bully and spiteful. DH should be sticking up for you. Why on earth do you need to spend every weekend with them? That’s strange. If DH has been badmouthing you to them, that would be a sign to me that the relationship is over. I do not expect my husband to badmouth me to anyone but to raise any issues directly with me, for us to resolve, like any reasonable adult.