To not want to leave my child with people

[candycandy12]

So my son is almost a year old now, and I have manholes after him whilst husband has been at work etc.

My husband suggested the other day that he wanted to drop our son off to his best friends so we could have a date night.

His best friend is a good guy, his latest partner (who is pregnant with his child) has expressed that she wants to babysit our son.

I am not cool with this at all, for one I have never met the woman, and secondly my son has a suspected CMPA so only I know how to deal with his as husband is clueless so any foods he would eat would have to be dairy free.

My husband thinks I am over reacting but he seems to think now that our son is almost one that he can just ask people to babysit our son despite me not even knowing some of these people i.e his mates partners, his mothers of his brothers various kids, aunties I have never met etc.

I was abused as a child, not sexually but I was physically and verbally abused my family members so I am very protective of my son - something my husband doesn't understand.

I do not want random people looking after my son.
This is causing arguments and tensions, AIBU?

Sorry first sentence meant to say I have been my son's sole carer.

Surely the answer is you leave your son with people you have both Met, many times, and both feel comfortable with?

your dh's friend can't be the only person you know?

but no, I would not be leaving my child with someone I didn't know.

YANBU! that’s quite a bizarre thing to do from a standing start.

YANBU.

How has your son turned a year old without your husband understanding cmpa? He sounds totally uninvolved. Between that and trying to pass him off to random people it's not sounding great.

I get not random people but in all that there would have to be someone who you meet enough, if you never do anything without your child ever do you honestly think that is healthy?

I do think at 1 year, it's reasonable to start leaving your child with others, but it need to be someone you trust - do you not have other relatives or friends that you both know and trust? I'm actually more concerned with the dynamic in your marriage/parenting, how can your husband not know what foods the child can eat? He's an equal parent and an adult, no reason he can't be as capable as you at parenting. have you not left your child with your husband for a year? That doesn't sound at all healthy for your wellbeing. are you not going back to work soon?

Can you find a trusted person, someone you trust and feel comfortable with.

Time as a couple is great but you have to be comfortable with whom is looking after your child.

We have no family near us and we had a lovely neighbour who was a teacher and I trusted her. She was a massive support.

You need someone you trust.

It is important to have time for yourselves/date nights, but I wouldn’t be happy leaving my daughter with anyone I haven’t met or don’t know very well so that would be a no from me. Surely though there are people you both know?

Don't leave your son with anyone you aren't comfortable with. Is there anyone else who can babysit - grandparents?

Your DH needs to sort his shit out so you aren't the only one who knows what food your son can eat.

YANBU.

Who do you trust with him?

Are you returning to work? What childcare do you have at that point? Sometimes nursery staff also babysit.

God no! I only ever left my son with my mother. Admittedly I was lucky enough to have her. I don't understand anyone that leaves the most precious thing in their lives with other people. When I was a teenager (back in the 70's) I knew a girl at school who was then 14. She used to babysit neighbours' children for pocket money. Honestly, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but she used to imply that she'd do sexual things to the children and sometimes the family pets. I can't believe your DH would risk it for the sake of a night out.

Not everyone does have a network of babysitters. People assume that there is an army of grandparents and friends who want to babysit, this simply isnt the case for a lot of people.

OP has said that she was abused by her own family, so I'm assuming that removes them from the 'trusted person' list.

OP is the only person who knows what food the baby cam eat. Surely baby's dad should be more focused on getting to know and caring for his child. Aside from the practicalities of arranging a date night, I can see why OP isn't tripping over herself to make it happen.

No, don't leave him with anyone you don't know very well.

Maybe it is time for you to train up/find a trusted baby sitter who can stay with your son for a few hours though.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

You are right in thinking you don't want your child with someone you have not met/don't know well.
He is right that you need time together and to work on your relationship a bit.

As PP have said, you need to work together to find a reliable babysitter that youth trust, who can meet your son's needs and who he gels with. Not just bury your head in the sand and say 'only I can do it' and neglect your marriage or leave him with just anyone.

It sounds like an excuse to me. If it's for one evening, just give him dinner first and a bottle of what he normally drinks. Looking after a child for a couple of hours is not brain surgery. If you are anxious, just call a couple of time and don't go out far away.

I'm with your OH. It's not a healthy relationship I'd you never ever have some time just the two of you.

It's perfectly reasonable not to want to leave your child with people you don't know.

Mine were only left at nursery or with grandparents at that age

A DBS checked babysitter would be better if if you have no other childcare options

I wouldn't leave my baby with your husband's friend. I've only ever left my children with people I trust completely. Especially when they're at such a vulnerable age. You'd find the date night stressful as well, so it wouldn't achieve much. We just held off date nights until the kids were older and we found a trusted babysitter. We had date nights at home, bottle of wine, nice dinner. It's really not the end of the world!

Can you get to know his brothers and their partners? Or his best friend and his partner?

Then you might be happy to let them babysit.

But your husband needs to know how to feed his child!

Of course you are right to prioritise the wellbeing of your precious DS, OP, but it sounds like the balance is off.

As PP have asked, why isn’t DH involved in the care and feeding of DS? It is wrong that he should be ‘clueless’ about the CMPA. If you shared this responsibility, he might be likely to appreciate your concerns more. And seeing that DH could learn to care for DS might incline you to believe that others are also capable of doing so.

Because they are. And revolving your life so totally around DS with no alternative caretakers isn’t sensible. For one thing, at the moment DS is completely vulnerable if you have an emergency.

Do you have any kind of support system? Your posts give the impression that perhaps you are locally somewhat isolated. I wonder if simply meeting these women you speak of might be a first step towards relaxing a bit? Assuming there is no back story, of course - no one you have bad history with should do child care for you.

Best wishes

Sorry I did not see this post to credit you. I was writing slowly whilst eating lunch and coping with interruptions

His mom would look after him but she has cataracts and other various health issues so it wouldn't be fair to ask her, FIL passed way during Covid.
His sisters are an option but they all work and one has severe mental health issues and isn't feeling to well.

His brother lives an hour away and has multiple kids - the one child's mother that I have met is on drugs (so not an option)and the others I have never met.

We live kind of in a remote location and all my friends/family live quite far away.

It is mainly his friends and family that are closer.

I know his best friend very well and I am quite fond of him, but he smoke marijuana as do athe majority of DH's friend hence why I am not overly keen on leaving my son with them.

The only option are my parents who we are moving closer to next month (if all goes to plan)

DH just leave everything to me as he works nights and has the attitude of "I go to work so you stay at home with our son".

I do find it extremely difficult with limited help as I would love to meet up with friends, but a lot of them don't drive, live far away and have children themselves.