The mental load

[Bbqnights]

Has anyone actually successfully managed anywhere near an even split with their partner when it comes to the mental load? Or am I destined to a lifetime of being the one who has to remember and organise absolutely everything?

My DH isn't completely useless. He cooks, washes up, gets up with the kids, etc... but it just never crosses his mind to book dentist appointments, doctors, buy new clothes, organise swimming lessons, get the boiler serviced, renew insurances, etc etc etc. Everything falls to me.

Any tips or suggestions?

Metal load in our house is generally me, partly because it's my character and I'm an over thinker and he's super chilled and laid back. If I say to him the car needs booking in for MOT or kids need dentist's appointments then he'll do it, he just won't think of it. He does a lot more of the physical stuff than me, washing, tidying, running around with clubs etc so I feel it's even in ways.

If he genuinely sees that this is a problem, then it is fixable. The way to fix it is to agree set rules and responsibilities. So pass off things to him by agreement. Dh has ADHD so I quickly realised that anything that needs regular but ad hoc monitoring was pointless handing off (eg me and the DC turned up for rugby practice on more than one occassion because he hadn't noticed the whatsapp cancelling it). So he now takes on anything that's more longer term (dentists, insurance, DIY, technology, any longer-term bills like insurance, council tax, gas etc etc) and most of the day to day stuff that doesn't require any planning - bulk of the laundry, general daily tidying, dishwasher, bedding (although he doesn't do it often enough), garden, bins, music practice with DD, football practice with DS etc. I still take on a LOT more of the thinking planning - noticing school uniform, liaising with school, clubs, meal planning and cooking etc. But it's okay because all those other things just aren't even on my radar. Completely and totally gone. I couldn't tell you who our broadband provider is or fix our tv, I don't even know what music DD is working on and clearly the only thing I know about DS' football and general fitness is that he's pretty fit and has a whole plan and strategy around this. With the exception of the occasional tidy up of our bedroom so that I can run the robot vacuum, I haven't done any tidying, plumped a cushion or sorted a child's room in years. I unload the dishwasher no more than once a week.

In addition, while I might take on the mental load of a lot of stuff, I do also delegate lots of the doing - I might decide DD needs new dance shoes, DH is probably the one taking her to buy them.

Works for us.

BUT... it didn't get here quickly or easily. took a lot of work and effort.

If you have all your insurances on autorenew then you’re being ripped off, might be time to add that to your list😂

If you have a baby at the moment, this might feel like a relatively even split. By the time you've packed your kids off to uni, after booking all childcare, activities, remembering where they're meant to be when and making sure they get there, all school applications, parents' evenings, chasing homework, paying school lunches, organising birthday parties, buying all clothes, school uniform, making sure PE kit is washed etc etc etc - you'll find all child related mental load never bloody ends and massively eclipses everything else.

Mine aren't

Of course, and we’ll split the mental load differently as all those things change, we both know that and my husband totally appreciates that and would happily take on more, he tells me that all of the time, he is always offering to do more for us! But for right now mine is VERY minimal, while he does all those other bits it is absolutely even if not more in my favour.

Nope. And he's brilliant in all the practical respects.

I've finally thrown down the gauntlet (which he has accepted) and told him that next month he'll have the food shopping budget. With that I expect him to do the weekly shop based on a meal plan for us and 2x dc which takes into account our various working/ school/ childcare schedules.

I'm petrified. But it's the only way he'll understand that there's more to food shopping than actually just buying the food. He's a planner by employment, he can bloody well start doing it at home too.

If you think there’s no mental load your partner is probably doing it 😂

I could try to delegate more, but then that's not really reducing the mental load for me is it??

I've pretty much passed over the food shop, cooking and clean up (although I still get "what shall we have for dinner?" all the time) but everything else seems to fall to me.

I could leave him responsible for certain things, but for stuff like insurance he'd just let it auto renew, whereas I'd shop around for the best price.

Maybe I just need to stop doing stuff. But then it just won't get done. He's like "I'll do it in my own time" but then weeks pass.

Maybe I just need to pass over more of the physical load and accept that more life admin will always fall to me.

If you are doing more of the mental load then he needs to do more of the day to day jobs; cleaning/shopping laundry.
DH and I worked on the basis that we spent an equal amount of time on running the household.

Maybe I just need to stop doing stuff. But then it just won't get done. He's like "I'll do it in my own time" but then weeks pass.

And if you ask, you're "nagging"?

Very easy answer: "would you take this approach to work tasks?"

It's a complete cop out that men use. I mean sure, of course he can do things in his own time, but there's still always a deadline - the point at which the kids' clothes are unwearable or inappropriate, dinner being so late that everyone has eaten 3 sandwiches, teeth falling out because you haven't seen a dentist in 2 years, increased cost of your insurance because no one is shopping around.

Perhaps a good one to hand over is things that have specific deadlines and are kids related - so, for example, we have various things that have to be paid at various times on deadlines that are external (ie no whining that YOU are setting unreasonable/unfair deadlines and you're "not my boss") - clubs, school dinners, dance classes, football subs etc etc. He's welcome to do those in his own time, but if he misses the deadline, he must understand the DC will be the ones missing out.

To be honest, food shop, cooking and clean up is actually quite a big task. I don't particularl ymind doing it, but it's the one area where I think even though DH takes quite a lot on, that one is such a BIG one and it's so bloody relentless that sometimes I feel I shouldn't actually have to do anything else!

[Note, I'm about to go and top up DS' school canteen account and order DD a new t-shirt for her dance class. Because it's never bloody ending so I get it]

Mental load - all me
Physical load - evenly split

I hate it really 'so what does X need for school?' I don't know have you asked him - gets huffy