Advice - attracted to a women at work

[GrinAndBear]

Need some advice. I’ve had an attraction to a woman at work for a few months now. She’s older, senior to me but not my direct boss, very good at her job in an appealing way. Competence is surprisingly sexy right?

The attraction is mainly physical and fairly shallow, her body, manner, voice, scent etc. but it’s quite strong and it’s starting to get distracting.

I’m happily married, still very attracted and in love with my own wife who I’ve been with for eight years. I have no wish to act on anything with this other woman, even if she was open to it which I’m fairly certain she wouldn’t be as she’s also married and is probably straight. Realistically shallow attractions to other people do happen, I’ve had one or two but they usually just go away and I know my wife has had them and we’re both of the option that if you don’t act on them, they are meaningless and to be expected.

My tactics so far have been to avoid her (wherever possible but I do occasionally have to work on projects with her) and to be on the cool side of polite when she tries to make conversation and be nice - which she does a lot. She probably thinks I don’t like her because of this so seems to try a bit harder to seek me out. Comes and gets coffee at the same time, compliments on clothes etc.

I’ve been hoping the attraction would wither away, but it doesn’t seem to be doing so - any tips to help it die faster?

Have you never had a crush before? They're very common. I'm sure it will fade in time.

Is it helpful to pretend that your (existing) wife has written this and you are advising her ? Not sure if that may help ?
You are in control of this, make sure you stay proud of your own conduct

Surely you can just control your behaviour and act in a professional manner. I've had crushes on people I work with before, just ignore it and get on with it. The only person who can turn it into an issue is you, so maintain some self control and just get on with your life.

This post has given me the ick. Put it out of your mind and the feelings will go away in time.

Tbh by being cool and aloof and trying to avoid her you are probably feeding her interest in you. Hence her seeking you out and her being especially pleasant to you. The behaviour you say you are practising seems the classic behaviour of someone trying to hide attraction and she is probably picking up on that. You are building your feelings up by being so self conscious of you behaviour towards her and not behaving normally.

Surely if you are a professional you should act like a professional at work? Especially if you really do love your wife and are attracted to her as you say you do.

It will go, but possibly not for years, unfortunately. Recognise it for the fantasy that it is.

Talk to her, she might have a real ugly personality, failing that when you talk to her talk about your wife

@DiamondGoldandSilver why has it given you the ick?

Focus on doing some nice things with your wife?
And yes, it will fade in time

Hrmm I don’t know, I think keeping things quite professional is what I’m doing - aka talking about work as needed and responding to more personal queries or overtures politely, but in a way that doesn’t invite friendship or closeness or whatever

Just get on with your work like a grown up professional.

Why years?

Yes once or twice, they’re just usually a bit more fleeting - this one seems to be persisting

It's just a crush and based on not much at all. Start treating her as you would anyone else at work - by being aloof, you're singling her out and creating awkwardness between you, which will make things worse rather than better. If you start acting like your usual self, it will pass as these things do.

Stop avoiding her. Treat her like anyone else. You have some self control. You won't end up having an affair unless you and she choose to have a affair. So don't.

It's hard to avoid someone you work with. Just make sure you keep your boundaries and definitely don't add her on social media etc.

That sounds slightly different from what you said in your original post: you said then that you were avoiding her. Which doesn't sound natural or professional.

And " cool side of polite" didn't translate to me as talking about professional matters and avoiding personal. It translated as bordering on rude.

@GrinAndBear it was the bit about her scent. Just a very intimate thing to say about a colleague. Unless she is heavily perfumed? The idea of a colleague being attracted to my sent does give me the ick.

This whole post reeks of mentionitus.

Think of your wife.

Every time you see or think of her, picture her with explosive diarrhoea....Every time. That should do it.

That's not how that phrase is used 😂

Picture yourself packing up your life and moving into a shitty rental flat while your house languishes on the market. Losing 2/3 of your friends because they pick your wife. Having to spend the next few Christmases in a single bed at your mum’s house. Not having anyone to go on holiday with because your new girlfriend has already booked hers. Moving in to a smaller, more expensive version of your current house with her and starting the negotiations about daily life from scratch. Looking around in ten years and realising that you trashed several years of your life to end up in the same situation.

Still think she seems exciting?

It's nice to be attracted to someone, isn't it? Why not just appreciate her and be friendly without crossing any boundaries? I think by trying to shut it down so much you're making it into a bigger thing than it needs to be. Try being less distant and maybe you'll find out she's not as wonderful as you first thought! At the moment there's no chance for her to burst your fantasy bubble.

Secondly, value what you have more and put your time and effort into this. I think you've got a bit of limerence going on here - maybe time to work on yourself, your relationship and your happiness.

Agree with @Beth216 above:

It's a crush. Perfectly normal. Perfectly enjoyable. Don't act on it and it's all good.

Never understood why finding someone else attractive is a problem. Never understood why you might want to imagine the object of your crush on the toilet!

It's fine if you don't do anything about it. A nice workplace crush makes the day a bit brighter without having reality tarnish it. Just enjoy it in you head and carry on doing nothing else.