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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU thinking of going no contact with my dad for a while?

2 replies

Mum8929 · 17/09/2024 17:49

I moved to the UK from Canada five years ago after falling madly in love with my British now DH. I have been away for five years now and ever since I left I have not stopped getting guilt trips from my family asking to come back home. After a while away and having a DC I started feeling really homesick and longing to be close to family again. Since being here 5 years my parents have only come to visit twice, according to my dad this is partly because it was the pandemic but also because my mom has health issues (autoimmune diseases and complex health issues), however I am really angry with my dad after my last visit. It feels like all efforts are one-sided, he never asks about my job, my friends here or generally what I get up to. When I visit he just talks about himself and barely asks me anything. I’ve brought it up to him and he became defensive and character assassinated me. I recently mentioned that I was planning to move back home or considering it but asked if me my DH and DD could stay with him a bit until we get on our feet. Wasn’t thinking long term but he has a house the size of a mansion and says he’s lonely. He said he’d be willing to help but only for a short term like 3 months after which he feels we should rent our own space. I’m deeply wounded because my sister has recently had to move in with him and it’s been over six months and never once asked her what her plan was or to move soon. He helped her get a job and when I confronted him about his unfair behaviour he said it’s because of my personality. This has hurt me so much, I know he doesn’t have to put us up as I’m a grown adult but his behaviour just continues to hurt me and I find him so self centered generally that I wonder why I ever bother. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mum8929 · 17/09/2024 17:50

I forgot to add my mom’s health is generally stable and his main excuse is that it’s a hassle to travel. He told me recently he doesn’t plan to come back here anytime soon but keeps asking me to make the trip. I have a two year old and travelling is a lot of effort with two working parents.

OP posts:
Whothefuckdoesthat · 17/09/2024 18:08

You talk a lot about your dad, but where is your mum in this? You make it sound like they either travel together but don’t live together, or she has no say in what happens in her home?

I’m not sure I’d go as far as cutting him off, unless this is the latest in a long history or him not being there for you. But I’d definitely distance myself. If he asks you to visit, ask him why he wants you to visit. And when he asks you what you mean, tell him you’re surprised he wants to see you because he never expresses the slightest bit of interest in your life, or says anything even remotely supportive to you, so why would you go to all the trouble of taking a toddler across the world when he knows less about your life than a casual acquaintance.

Or, tell him you won’t be visiting and it’s because of his personality.

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