To feel let down by a friend when I really needed them?

[CyanOP]

Have you ever had a friend not be there for you when you needed their support the most? How did your friendship recover from that, if it did at all? And if you forgave them, how did you get past the hurt?

I am struggling with this right now and would appreciate hearing how others have dealt with similar situations.

Is there a reason they aren't there for you?

Sometimes someone has something going on in their own life that prevents them from giving you the kind of support you want. I was dealing with a cancer diagnosis when my friend was hospitalised for a serious eating disorder. Earlier on, she’d just had a close friend die suddenly of sepsis when I had a crisis. I think sometimes we have to be realistic about someone’s capacity and look elsewhere.

It's hard to know without more context

For example, are they usually present in your life but found this situation difficult?

Are they a friend you only go to when you have problems (and dont bother with the rest of the time) and they've finally decided they'd had enough?

Are they usually flaky?

Depends what you were expecting of them and what they were able to provide.

Totally depends. If they are also in the middle of something ( and it doesn't have to be of the same gravity) then they may just not have had the headspace or e optional energy to help you. If they were fine and just not bothering to support you because they are selfish, then the you know the friendship doesn't mean as much to them as it does to you.
Having said that, I have a couple of really good friends for whom I would crawl through broken glass if they needed it, no matter what was going on in my life and they the same for me.

*emotional energy

Yea. I have a friend who cut me off at one of the hardest times of my life. Tbf I think that's partly why she did it, she couldn't cope with her (self inflicted) drama being moved down my priority list.

It depends really you don't know what your friend has going on in their life.

Yeah, she had her own stuff going on I didn't hold it against her and we're still good friends.

Depends on why they can't help tbh, sometimes we need to look at the bigger picture rather than just focusing on ourselves and sometimes you have to let things or people go.

Yes… and I’ve probably been that person too.

I had a really difficult time with bereavement and a serious accident about 10 years ago. A really close friend of mine was completely absent - it felt strange and also distancing tbh. however, I found out (ie about 6 months later) what was going on for her and completely understood… I don’t think I’ve thought about this for ages and it hasn’t affected our friendship. I never confronted her - we just met for a drink one day and when I heard what had been happening for her there was no need!!!

I’ve had some others where people had stuff going on in their lives…. and times where it was the start of realising that a relationship wasn’t reciprocal- ie once I was struggling and not ‘useful’…. It took a while though to realise which was which if that makes sense.

I can also see looking back that I’ve not been there for everyone’s key moments if I’ve been struggling - mainly with health issues making it difficult to cope with all the demands of life.

i think it depends on the length of the friendship and what they’ve been like in the past. And whether you’ve got any insight into why they’re not there for you now.

also have you tried to reach out to them - let them know that you’d really appreciate some support / a catch up etc?

This is happening for me at the moment. My friend thinks she supports me amazingly but she doesn’t - she’s always too busy doing stuff for other people.

I have done so so much for her over the last 20 years. I never wanted it to be a competition but in the end I’m left feeling like a bit of a mug.

I’m sorry I don’t have any wisdom but just wanted to say I know how you feel.

This, are you someone who requires a lot of care, support and input?