AIBU to step back from helping family?

[WandaFishy99]

My widowed maternal uncle is elderly and disabled and has lots of medical appointments. He has 4 DC, only 3 are local, one lives abroad. 4 adult GC.
As often happens, all care and transport is left to his DD who is the only single one. She's late 50s and works for herself, lives locally too.
I'm about 12 miles away, mid 60s, retired and health not great as I had a problem last year that's fixed but I get very, very tired.
Occasionally my cousin would ask me to take DU to appointments if she was busy. Since I retired 2 years ago I feel like she's taking advantage. She has started to ask me as though I'm first choice to take him. It's not easy, he has a wheelchair which is heavy and he's a big man. I find it exhausting.
I remember when my DM was ill before she died, their aunt, not one of them ever helped me even though I was run ragged (mainly due to a useless brother but that's another story) and they only visited her once despite being local.
Cousin rang me yesterday to say DU has a docs appointment next week on a day I already have 2 appointments, so I said no. She's busy, so it didn't go down well.
I go from feeling guilty to feeling that I'm doing the right thing looking after myself by stepping back and expecting his immediate family to step in.
What do you think?

I think you did the right thing there and YADNBU.

On health grounds especially and don't take any intolerance from them you are right.

Also, when people don't have relatives to take them to hospital appointments, they can arrange transport through their local council, it's a scheme run by volunteers who drive people to appointments.

The costs and info should be on your DU's local council website, your cousin should arrange this.

I didn't know about that service. I'll let them know for future appointments. Thanks.

No, you're exactly right in your thinking. Stay firm, you're reasoning is sound, there are plenty of other options. Don't waver.

You have to look after yourself first and like you said, you already have appointments.
I would stop altogether if she gets annoyed at you for this, suggesy she phones her other siblings for help because you are no longer able to help.

The other siblings could take turns if he really needs a family member with him - they could take annual leave.
Gratitude is very short lived I find and soon these favours become obligations - ensure you let them know it is now too much for you and they need to find an alternative.
If you find it easier to give an excuse then develop a shoulder problem - they know he’s heavy and a wheelchair is hard to push around.

Why can't her brothers help?

I love the expectation that women need to swoop in sort this. His actual children can do it. Not your problem. You already have 2 other appointments that day so it’s not really a debate anyway

She has one DB and one DS local, they're uncle's older DC, they're the laziest, most selfish people you could imagine, and refuse to help. The other DB lives on the other side of the world

Good Lord yadnbu. As pp says, there are various options for the manu disbled people who don't have relatives able to do this kind of job. She's trying to make her problem your problem. She needs to own it and set her own boundaries.

Find out about local services that can help with transport to appointments. I am assuming he has a care team from hoe you have described his mobility and large amount of appointments. Not sure if age UK do that kind of thing but worth looking into. Then I would send the links to her and suggest she discusses with your DU.

It's more that from now on I won't be taken advantage of, but next week is just an example.
I agree about women being the ones to have to sort things out- seems to happen all the time.

Those two siblings need to step up way before you do.

You're retired - it doesn’t mean you work for them now!

Start getting busier and stop making excuses…

This is one of those occasions when a simple 'im not free next week, i have other commitments' is all that's required. If.it were me I would also add something like 'and going forward I will not be as available so maybe you need to get your siblings involved more or look into hospital transport for your dad'. You dont need to have reasons or make excuses, it's really not your problem to solve.

The more I think about this, the more I think you should prepare a list of taxi companies, local ride share companies (aps), pet sitters, dog walkers, babysitters, supermarket delivery companies, pharmacy delivery, airport shuttle services, etc, etc, etc…. print it out and stick it to their fridge. (Don’t research the numbers, just a list of names.)

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.
An update- I visited uncle today, cousin was there. I was asked about a hospital visit in October. I refused and said that I am not strong enough to push the chair and last time it hurt my back (true, it did). Cousin was a bit taken aback. I said I am happy to see uncle as often as I can, he's good company, but will no longer provide transport. Uncle was fine about that. Cousin went into How am I suppose to cope... etc.
I pointed out that uncle can order an ambulance for hospital appointments and told her about the council providing lifts through volunteers (as mentioned by one of the kind posters on here) and suggested the lazy DD and DS could arrange all that.

Well done OP.
She is a CF.
You were an easy target.
Not your parent, not your problem.

Go you!! Really happy to hear that you have put yourself first and it means your uncle gets a relationship thats not based on his needs like he's a chore. Instead because you are going to see him. And you've set your boundaries now and maybe your cousin needs to consider themselves too.

in addition to what was already mentioned, the fact that his own family lives far away does not equal zero help.

It's up to the family themselves how they divide the work, but they should negotiate that with each other. Assuming they all agree to share the work, those not living local can help in other ways:

Paying someone else from an agency or similar to do their share of work/help (driving, housework help, repairs...)

Doing the part of work which can be done remotely: organizing appointments, researching information, looking up the legal aspects of support for their father / grandfather, for example which help from the NHS or council or charities is available, researching his illness and possible treatment options and so on, organizing other necessary daily help (online shop & delivery and similar)

(if possible and required / wished for): Keeping up the social side of contact with phone or video calls

These are just some examples, and not all may apply to this specific case, but I mean my post to be a comment in general towards the very often issued statement: "I am away/abroad and can't do anything" from vanished family members (assuming that the family relationship in general is good and no-one is estranged).