To feel put off by this, and a little pressured?

[lairyfights9]

3dc (11, 2 and 1). Dp and I haven't been the closest recently, a few factors (young kids, plus older dc is up later so less alone time, some conflict around share of load etc). We've had significantly less sex in the past year. Sometimes it's more and we'll have sex 2/3 times within a week, but most of the time is 2/3 times a month. I'm breastfeeding our 1 and 2 year old, and I'm obviously pretty touched out and exhausted from looking after 2 toddlers all day every day, so my sex drive is pretty low.

Dp never pressures me or moans about our sex life (though he does occasionally make 'jokey' comments which makes me feel guilty and I don't like - but he is reassuring if I express guilt). Anyway he's been buying stuff from Temu recently (various things, not just the following) and he keeps buying sex 'games' and I'm finding that it's pissing me off. I don't know if I'm being really unfair to feel this way. I know he wants us to have more sex, but I feel a bit pressured when these things arrive. I guess it makes me feel like there's some level of expectation that I'll be up for trying this game. I feel like he's just trying to spice things up a bit and maybe make sex more fun. But honestly I'm struggling to get the motivation to have standard sex, so I don't understand how he thinks making sex MORE effort is going to get me more keen. I sound like such a bitch when reading that back, but I just can't help not really being up for it that often :( it's also just feels a bit forced and the few times I've participated it's felt a bit awkward and prescribed.

Am I being horrible? Would other people be annoyed by this?

You are exhausted and he is behaving like a creep. He can take care of himself if he needs release. His purchasing of sex games makes me feel quite queasy when he has a wife that is shattered from looking after very young children.

I think I can understand why this annoys you.

The implication is that there's something wrong with the amount of sex you're having, and the sex games will fix it. But, given what you've said about the demands of two toddlers, and how you feel about being "touched out" it would be expected that you would have less sex than otherwise.

My fanny would be shut tighter than a clam at the suggestion of sex games, but maybe his thought is: Lairyfights is finding sex a chore therefore if I try to make it more fun she'll be more interested? Like putting on some music while you do the ironing.

Have you actually told him why you are off sex at the moment, how touched out you are from BF and exhausted from looking after toddlers, rather than just expressing guilt that you don't want it? Suggest that some excellent foreplay would be him taking on all the household and childcare duties for a few days.

This exactly ! I’d consider making the foreplay suggestion a permanent fixture even as the kids get older 🙂

2 dc in quick succession and 2 years +of bf.... You say you are touched out. He is in a ham fisted way saying he feels under touched.. Surely his feelings count too?
I bf all of my dc for around a year.. Was nice to get my body back though!!

Thank you for responses, I feel understood which is a comfort :)

@MagpiePi yeah I absolutely think he's just trying to make it more fun! But it just doesn't appeal to me at all right now (I mean the games, not just sex - though sex in general isn't hugely appealing atm either). I have explained the effect of breastfeeding on libido and the feeling touched out etc, and he's been very understanding when we've talked about it and reassured me that we've got young kids and it's fine.

We have had on and off conflict around me feeling like he doesn't do enough at home to support me. But he really disagrees and I feel like telling him to do more as 'foreplay' would potentially just create more conflict about this 🤷‍♀️

@Spenditlikebeckham absolutely his feelings matter too. And I definitely am less attentive to his needs and feel bad about that, but I'm having to constantly be attentive to the needs of two very needy small people, as well as my older dc. I was managing to balance everybody's attention needs when it was just dc1 and 2, but since dc3 came along I just don't have enough in me to meet everybody's needs and the kids have to take priority (my own personal needs are not being met either).

I do try to be affectionate at times, and (horrible though it feels to say) have had sex I didn't want to try and help him feel less 'under touched' and meet his needs. I really want to want to have sex, I just don't at the moment :(

I get how you feel. I tandem fed too.

I think you just need to explain how you feel to him. Highlight how exhausted you are and perhaps suggest if he did the full house clean and all meals etc of a weekend then you might have more energy.....

There’s nothing worse than going through the motions when you really don’t want to just because your partner does. I’ve done it and I think it’s yet another really unfair imbalance between the sexes. If men aren’t in the mood then it ain’t happening, it’s another thing we give that they would not even consider/be able to do.
Tell him how you feel, you are exhausted and not in the mood and he should accept that. Things will pick up again when you are ready.

Do you know what OP? You are perfectly entitled to be blunt with him and tell him that you do not want sex. Not never but not now. If he cannot understand the reasons why then stop trying to explain yourself. You have two very young children and your body has been through two pregnancies in very quick succession too.

Sometimes you get to a point where you cannot explain yourself anymore and a person just needs to be told no. Tell him to stop buying the sex games, you are not a teenager anymore, you are a mother of 3 and you are tired and touched out and the answer is no. Boundaries, even between loving partners, still deserve to be respected.

We have had on and off conflict around me feeling like he doesn't do enough at home to support me. But he really disagrees and I feel like telling him to do more as 'foreplay' would potentially just create more conflict about this 🤷‍♀️

I was being slightly tongue in cheek about it and totally get it. Him putting the hoover round isn't really going to overcome your being totally 'touched out', particularly if you knew that he was only doing it because he would be expecting you to shag him later.

I agree with @MummyJ36 that you are just going to have to put it to him straight and learn to not feel guilty about it. He needs to see the long game and understand that he is just building up a well of resentment by acting the way he is now.