To leave my husband (Verbal Abuse/DA)

[BolshyGiraffe]

Please reassure me that I am doing the right thing. Been with H for 14 years and there has been historic verbal abuse, emotional abuse and threats of violence. He’s never been physically abusive towards me although he has threatened it.

Tried to leave twice and told him that name calling and threats (he says he can’t remember threatening me) are not acceptable and I won’t tolerate it. He’s actually stopped name calling and appears reasonable and “loving” Always complimenting me etc. In short - the worst behaviour and terrible threats are dating back years.

He has -

• Threatened to pick up our son’s pram and smash me across the face.
• Threatened to throw a spider in my face if I won’t stop screaming (i have a spider phobia and I screamed for him to get rid of it)
• Called me a c@nt, re!/rd, imbecile, bitch, stupid woman, useless, idiot etc
• Told me to go and kill myself
• Threatened to kill himself

The worst of the abuse happened when I was pregnant and when our son was born. A lot of what I described happened many years ago.

What is hard to believe is that he’s stopped the above behaviours and is actually reasonable and “normal” You would never believe if you saw us together what he is actually capable of.

I am leaving him but why does it feel like him throwing a grenade into ours and our children’s lives?

He says how he loves our little home, adores our life together and how lucky our children are to have a stable upbringing.

Please reassure me. I don’t believe he sees any of his behaviour as abusive.

I'd say you are most definitely doing the right thing, unfortunately we can't change the past but what you are doing is protecting yourself and your son from having to go through that again in the future. I'm sure a poster will come along and say it's worth staying if he's changed and is being nice now, but the fact he could do that in the first place to his wife and mother of his child is awful, especially at such a vulnerable time of being pregnant or just having had a baby. It may have happened years ago but the damage is still there. I hope you can get away from him and find peace and happiness

You are not unreasonable to leave.

Maybe contact Women's Aid for advice and how to take them first steps to begin your leaving.

Abusers never see anything wrong with their behaviour and will quickly make it your fault. It is not your fault.

And ignore anyone on here that may come along and tell you it's normal or that it's not all men.

Do you have any support? What are your plans?

Women’s Aid have been an excellent source of support and advice. One friend IRL knows and has been supportive. No one else knows yet.

I am on the waiting list for a council house or housing association house. It’s just a matter of waiting to reach the top of the list.

I don’t know whether to tell STBEX it’s over soon or wait until I have the house to move into.

I’m currently going through the motions while I put everything in place in secret.

Sounds brilliant OP, you're doing great. Please don't tell him as you're most vulnerable when leaving. I'm glad WA have been helpful.

Abusers never admit to being abusive but rest assured he is and won't change. I'm so proud of you, you're doing the absolute best for you and your baby. You're so strong.

You could be years on the list for a council property, especially as you aren't considered homeless.

It might be worth exploring the Freedom course too

Even though the verbal abuse happened years ago, it was serious enough to break your trust in him. How could you forget being called those names and being threatened like that? It doesn’t help that he doesn’t remember it either.

Good luck.

I’ll never forget all the names he’s called me or all the threats. My trust in him is destroyed and any love I felt is long dead. Although his behaviour has improved and he can actually be nice and generous etc I cannot bear him touching me and I flinch when he does. He moans how I don’t give him any affection.

He says how he explodes in the moment but is happy and fine after a few minutes. He’s all “hot air” he says. He claims that everyone says stuff to hurt their partner in a fight and that it’s normal the stuff he says and that I’d be surprised how many couples call each other names etc.

He says he says stupid shit in arguments but he doesn’t mean any of it etc.

You are good to go, he does not need to agree, understand or even remember anything he has done. It is actually very convenient for him to forget stuff and to justify unjustifiable things. You will always go round in circles if you listen to him. Crazy making and minimising are great techniques used by abusers. You know the facts and how they make you feel. Your trust is understandably broken. That’s enough, plenty actually and life is great on the other side. It would be safer for you to plan your exit with your child and then just go without discussing any reasons with a volatile person. Take care x

Yes you are most definitely doing the right thing for you and your child.

‘What is hard to believe is that he’s stopped the above behaviours and is actually reasonable and “normal” You would never believe if you saw us together what he is actually capable of.’

Read up on the cycle of abuse. Being nice is him sensing that he has overstepped what you will tolerate. Abuse is never constant but is carefully managed and tailored to you to insure that you stay. The good times are mixed in with the bad to confuse you and to get you to accept anything. Don’t fall for that.

Take care, get all the support you can x

Abusers often say they don't remember what they said or did.

How convenient.

They also change tactics. Start being really nice after behaving horribly. It feels you back in. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't.

I'm not surprised you don't him near you. Your body is instinctively trying to protect you from what you know to be danger.

He's been a nasty bully to you and thinks if he says sorry after or acts all nice, it's all swept under the carpet.

Reels you back in not feels.

I think you'd be safer without him, op.

‘I am leaving him but why does it feel like him throwing a grenade into ours and our children’s lives?’

This is the way he wants you to feel, ie. the one responsible for wrecking ‘your lovely little family’ whilst it is him who has undermined your life together from the foundations. He is blaming you and apportioning his wrong doings to you. How very convenient, so you blame yourself, feel guilty and stay. I am so glad you are seeing through him

I’ve been with DH about twenty years. We have the odd disagreement. Never real arguments or fights. Never any name calling. This stuff is not inevitable.

That’s terrible.

So sorry to hear this. You are definitely right to take a break at least.

He's changed his behavior to keep you, but his attitudes are not changed. If he was to become secure that you would not leave, he'd be back at it. If he gets stressed he'll be back at it. They never really change inside. They can fake being normal for awhile but abuse is part of who they are.
Absolutely leave.

What made him change? Or what made him abusive?
I'm all for second chances. Tho I've never been in this situation and am not sure what I would do x

Please don't tell him your leaving. That is said to be the most dangerous time - when leaving an abusive partner. And when you do leave make sure you have support with you so it's safer.

You're doing the right thingm doesn't matter how nice he is being now ...you know the real him. And it is 100% not normal to say those kind of things to your partner in an argument. I get losing your temper and raising your voice but you apologise snd make moves to never get to that stage again.

Be safe and keep everything secret. Don't let him near your bank cards or important documents (birth certificates for you and the children and such). Also if possible could you keep a to go bag at a friend's just incase?