To think I can't leave right now?

[Purposefullyporous]

I really want to divorce my husband but I'm in such a stupid position. I've done everything wrong and doubtless I'm going to get a bollocking on here for being an absolute idiot.
The only thing I guess I have is some rights over the house as we are married? However nothing is in my name. Not the house, no bills etc..
I put 65k cash into buying the house. He put nothing but has been paying the entirety of the mortgage since we bought 5 years ago. Mortgage about 600 a month.
I currently have a 6 month old baby and a 6 yo and a 9yo.
I was a SAHP for 8 years. I do currently have a part time job but I am on maternity leave. It's just statutory as I wasn't there long enough to get the full package. The baby wasn't planned. I have no savings. We do not have a joint bank account.
I get the child benefit into my account and my wages.
I have no qualifications except gcses.
My husband is 16 years older than me and has a masters which he got through his job whilst I was a SAHM.
We live in a really expensive area and my kids are happy at school here. My middle is ASD and they have been excellent with her. I don't drive. We moved here for my husbands job I don't really have any friends here beyond school gate mums I like but don't know very well. The only family I have is my mum who is disabled and moved nearby so I could care for her. I have a difficult relationship with her and she was quite dependant on me but I have managed to get some social services involvement now so I've less care to do.
Basically I'm quite screwed aren't I?
My dh is also being a bit threatening about facilitating ne returning to work after my maternity leave.
I work permanent 12 hour night shifts and I'm trying to swing it with work to only do one weekday night and have my dh condense his hours to have one weekday off as well as his weekends so he can watch the baby whilst sleep after work. Then my other shift would be a weekend night so he would have the kids.
He's now sounding uncertain about this and also has applied for new jobs which if he got I definitely wouldn't be able to return to work and we might have to move.
I feel very powerless and trapped. Things have really broken down between us. There's nothing I can do because he refuses to acknowledge any problems and just shuts me down if I try to talk to him.
He's been on two lads weekends since the birth of the baby where he's been gone the entire weekend doing coke in an airbnb and I've been struggling with the newborn and other children by myself..
I don't mind him going out for the night but the entire weekend I just couldn't cope. I do all the night wakings as the baby is breastfed so it's then hard to have the energy to deal with the needs of the other two as well all weekend alone.
Also the drug use is worrying. I don't think he has a drug problem I just think he's immature for doing that.. he's 51 years old! He's acting like a single man in his 20s. This is not the only problem in our marriage but this is just a current example.. I tried to talk to him about its impact on me and he didn't tolerate it at all. Just completely ignores me.
I feel like I can't communicate with him at all.
But what do I do?
I am not eligible for any benefits or anything like that because of his income. I don't have any savings.
I feel like I just have to put up with anything he does because I've nowhere to go. He's not wealthy but he earns too much for me to get UC of any type.
Has anyone got any advice?
I'm finding it so hard. My children are lovely and it's very hard to pretend everything's OK. I fond myself being irritable and despondent with them because I'm just so miserable. I feel like a ghost. I completely slept walked into this situation I know.
The worst thing about it and I can't tell any friends this in real life as I'm too ashamed, is that es really checked out emotionally since this baby. But he got me pregnant by having sex with me without a condom. He purposefully came inside me. It was the middle of the night and I hadn't realised.. sometimes he starts off not wearing a condom, so i didnt say anything, he's never not put one on before, but then he just went inside me and finished and I was like wtf?! And he said 'I thought that's what you wanted' but why would he think that?? I just don't understand. Maybe he wanted me to get pregnant? But then I asked him to buy me the MAP which he immediately did and I took it. But it turned out it didn't work. Then he wanted me to have an abortion.. and altho has supported me in some ways thru the pregnancy and us a good dad to the baby, he just seems to resent me fir it all. But he did it??
I now have started to feel really resentful towards him.
And like I said I can't talk to him about it at all he just shuts it down.
I'm so miserable I just want to live alone with me children.
But there's no way I can achieve that is there?? How can I support 3 kids alone? And how will I be able to keep my job if he doesn't cooperate?
I'd be very grateful for any thoughts and advice
Thanks

You haven't done anything wrong.

If you are not in danger right now, then you can start making a plan to leave - get your paperwork in order and open a secret savings account etc.

The house should be 50% yours from the marriage and the same for any savings and pension etc. is there a way you can make your H move out?

My ex got me deliberately pregnant also. I gave up thinking I could leave and accepted my lot... Had 2 more dc and became very unhappy. I did leave. Took way too long. Claimed benefits and got divorced. Seek legal advice. You are entitled to fair share to make a new life.

I agree it is ducks in a row time OP, it is possible, but it’s not easy.

One thing worth thinking about is that you can separate while still sharing a home, for UC purposes, as long as you are living totally separate lives- there are rules on this but it’s not impossible to do.

As PP says you should be entitled to a % of house, pension etc with divorce and lots of solicitors now will just take payment from your settlement figure so you don’t have to find/save the money to pay upfront.

Have a look at what you may be entitled to, are all of the children his? Does he have any other children? If you know his salary you can look on CMS to see what you would be entitled to.

It’s never easy, but it is doable, you just have to start taking these steps if you are sure x

If he is doing cocaine in his 50’s he’ll likely have a cardiac event soon.

All of the children are his. He has no other children.
Could we divorce whilst living together?
I do not even have the money to apply for a divorce.
I do need proper advice about UC.
I also need to think about how I would afford to rent.. I wouldn't be able to afford to buy another house near my kids schools. I wouldn't get a mortgage.
I don't think I could convince him to pay for the divorce. I've tried to talk to him about it before but he just said don't be ridiculous.

I worry about this alot. It would be devastating for the children. I don't know why he doesn't give a shit. He's a great father in other ways.. how can he take this risk? I feel like a boring nag when I try to talk about it abd I resent being cast in that roll. I'm not some puritan, I think it's a pretty bloody reasonable stance

Yes you can divorce while living together, this is becoming more common now with house prices/cost of living in general, people can’t necessarily afford to move and pay 2 sets of bills. To access your share of the equity though either the house would need to be sold or him buy you out if he wants to keep the house, that’s something you can decide between you.

You can claim UC while sharing a home if you are separated but the rules on this are really quite tight so you’d have to see if you would be able to meet them, you have to prove that you are living as single people so separate bedrooms, separate meals, separate finances etc.

With regards to the fee for applying for divorce there is help available in certain situations, one of which is low income so you may be able to get help there x