What did I do?

[Highachieveranxiety]

Started work at 6:30 am this morning, WFH, extremely stressful time. Popped into the bedroom, found DD (3) and DH preparing for the drop off. I didn't really have time because I had back to back meetings but still wanted to see them and say goodbye. Noticed DD was soaked in pee, so started to change her. Suddenly DH starts sulking at me. I asked him what is wrong, he says nothing maybe 3 times. Finally he blurts out that I have made him tense and feel inadequate, as if it's his fault dd is soaked. He knew she was soaked, she was going to change her, everything was under control but my comments disrupted the whole thing. The way he took this upset me so much. It's hard to describe but it hurt my feelings. I thought I was being helpful because he is currently doing all the drop offs and morning prep. It felt completely out of place for him to react like this and I didn't say anything apart from "oh she is soaked, let me change her and put these clothes to wash. Seriously please tell me what I did? For some reason it hurts so much for something I have done to be completely supportive to be taken this negatively and judgmental, especially when I'm so stressed out and tired.

Possibly he just felt bad he hadn't done it yet and defensive. Tbh if it was my DP I would've given him a cuddle and told him to not worry, he hadn't done nothing wrong and I wasn't trying to make a point.

Well it’s hard to give an answer not having been there - we don’t know your tone or voice or how you generally speak to each other.

If you have no underlying issues it just sounds like a misunderstanding on a stressful Monday morning. I’d sit down with a cup of tea this evening and just regroup as a team. It’s not you and him against each other, it’s both of you against any problems that come up.

“Oh she is soaked” - could have sounded judgemental, don’t know how you said it
“Let me change her and put these clothes to wash” - you completely took him out of the equation, didn’t let him change her or put the clothes to wash and yet both were part of the tasks that he has agreed to do to support your hours WFH

Alternative would have been: “Oops, just wanted to say goodbye, but can I do anything to help?” And let him outline how best you could have supported in that situation. As it was you undermined him and made him feel useless, you didn’t mean to but if he feels inadequate and tense then that’s clearly how it came across.

I think an apology would help, from you. You’ve made this whole situation about how you feel and not how he feels. Sounds like you need a break if you are tired and stressed, that way there is less chance for miscommunication and offence.

I agree with this, it sounds like despite good intentions, you may have come across as swooping in when he had the situation under control and didn’t give him the courtesy of checking if he wanted or needed your help.

It could've been your tone of voice, or you looked like you were taking over, we don't know.

But at 6.30 in the morning a lot of us are pretty grumpy, so just let it go.

Thank you all. I have listened to you and decided to go downstairs to apologise. He was sitting looking very sad because he thought he was unfair to me. He apologised too and we made up. Thank you all, I probably wouldn’t have apologised if you guys didn’t bring some sense to me.

Glad it all worked out, it's always hard when you're tired and strung out. Hope the rest of the day is going really well for you all.

Probably he's annoyed that you came in and took over? Made him feel like you were criticising? Maybe stressed and took it the wrong way? I would be annoyed if DH came in and took over like that, he would be if I did too.
You should have said "do you want me to change her?" and if he said no leave it, or say "don't worry leave the wet stuff and I'll put a wash on".

Is this a one off or do you have regular arguments like this?