To feel so sorry for myself

[Doodaa87]

Hi
Looking for some words of wisdom, even stern words to get me back to a positive mindset.

To cut some very long stories short one of my parents died in a very shocking way when I was late 20s. Two years later I had my first child who needed life saving surgery at birth. She is thankfully fine now and will need check ups every year forever but we’re very lucky she’s considered “fixed” now.
My next child was delayed in their development for their first couple of years. When she was one she was misdiagnosed as having a genetic condition. Turned out to be clear. Loads of stress involved but thankfully the results showed it was a misdiagnosis. Then she had to have surgery for grommets as her speech was delayed. Now thankfully caught up.

Why me? Why us? What have I done wrong in a former life to have all these scary, stressful, upsetting things happen? I feel like I have PTSD 4 times over. I don’t need counselling I’ve had it for years and know myself and my mind inside out to the point I’m quite good at helping myself mentally. But tonight I just need someone else’s input.

I’m so longing for a third baby for so many reasons, among them being I feel so strongly it would be immensely healing. And I crave a big family. But also realise I’m nearly 40 and there are increased risks with that. My husband is also happier sticking at two.

Happy to hear some advice from you all
Thanks

But your two children are now well?

If you are looking to be grateful, these are the reasons.

I'm sorry about your parent, too.

You have had a rough time, no doubt about that. But I would caution you against viewing another pregnancy and birth as healing. I speak from experience. I have to admit that one of the reasons I kept trying for a second after several mcs was that I wanted a ‘normal’ birth after an induction first time. I thought it would somehow heal me of some bad feelings over DS1’s birth.

What happened was I ended up with a C-section which was a tremendous shock. It was a good birth experience as the staff were great but I fixated on how it had gone wrong - as it was supposed to help me heal from DS1’s birth. This was quite frankly ridiculous because I enjoyed DS1 as a baby - so I’m not sure exactly what I thought I was healing. I am now quite annoyed with myself - but I do recognise that desire to have another one and have it all better this time.

If I've misunderstood what you mean, I do apologise!

Firstly im really sorry about your parent, it sounds really awful to have to deal with that. Do you have siblings, or other parent to lean on?
Im curious to know what you think about the third baby will be healing? It sounds like a lot of pressure on one pregnancy and baby. What is it you are searching for that a third baby will bring?

We don't have former lives and it's not about anything you did. Think of people with even worse luck than you (for example, I've just read Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala - husband, both her kids and her parents killed in the Boxing Day tsunami). Do you think they did something wrong in a former life? Or is it only yourself you're so hard on? Why judge yourself where you don't judge others?

If you're feeling like you're cursed or guilty or something I would maybe reconsider on the counselling? If you really feel things that just aren't true, perhaps you're not controlling your feelings and emotions as well as you like to think?

If the health issues of your dc weren't anything to do with genetic issues with you and your husband (like those diseases that only get passed on when both parents have the gene) there's no reason not to go for another child. But it needs to be something you and he both want for its own sake. I don't think you should allow what's gone before to be a factor. Another dc will bring problems of their own (like being expensive and knackering), even if there's no health problems. And the idea that it will "heal" anything in the past - well, will it? Any reason it should? Has anything good that's happened since the traumatic events made you feel any better about them? I mean, it MIGHT work like that. Or you might be very disappointed. You have to do it for the right reasons, and both parents have to want it.

You say that you’ve ‘done’ therapy. Would planning a baby to heal trauma be recommended do you think? I wonder if focusing on finding and recognising happiness in what you currently have might be a healthier approach?

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had such a tough time of it. However I agree with PP - your two children who are now well are a wonderful reason to be grateful. I get that you want a big family but when you say a third child would be healing - how would you feel if that child didn’t make you feel healed?

as you say - pregnancy and birth risks increase with age and it sounds like your husband doesn’t share your decision to have another baby.

I don’t know if I read this somewhere else or heard it somewhere but it’s not a good idea to hang your happiness on a single person/idea. I know you’ve already had counselling but you may benefit from it again, or a different therapist/approach? There may also be other parts of your life that you could take satisfaction from - career/hobby/learning.

All the best, I hope things seem brighter for you soon

On the other hand, your age might well not be a major problem. I had DS2 at almost 41 and have never regretted having him. But he was my second and DH made it clear there would be no third- we’re both one of two so two for us is ‘normal’.

Don't bring another child into the world because you think it will be "healing". So selfish and massively unfair for the child and your existing children. Great way to make your kids feel inadequate.

You need to somehow make peace with the past, appreciate what you do have.

Unfortunately the death of my parent made my other parent incapable of dealing with life in general so they don’t communicate with anyone else in the family anymore including me. Believe me I’ve tried to change this. It’s so sad.

I would love to have a third baby because i crave a big loving family. I always have. But I suppose like other posters have mentioned I feel like if this time there wasn’t anything major that went wrong it might heal some of these wounds I have from what we’ve been through. I’d have the experience everyone I know seems to have had with their children.

Yes I can see your viewpoint. My sibling and I grew up in a situation where we were responsible for our parents’ happiness and I’d hate to recreate that sense in my own family

Life isn't at all fair and you have had your share of bad times. I don't think having a new baby would help at all though, because they might also have problems, because, as I just said, life isn't fair and there isn't some rule it won't happen again. Also as your children age, they might have other issues because that's what happens in life with teenagers. All you can do is live the life you have with the children you have. If you want another one and are prepared for any eventuality, then go ahead. I wasn't and didn't, I knew I couldn't parent a child with severe needs and so I didn't have a third when I'd rolled the dice twice already, I chose to stick with what I had. You've had a tough time so be very kind to yourself.

So don't do it then. I also grew up in similar circumstances, it's not fun.

Are you really done with therapy? There may be other ways for your self healing. I recommend reading about childhood emotional neglect

I found havingdc2 a healing experience but that wasn’t the driver, we just always wanted two children.

In your situation I’d proceed with extreme caution. If you really want a third baby then go for it. However a pregnancy and baby post trauma can be mentally difficult especially if there are any bumps along the way.

I’d think you might be wise to focus on being happy with your existing lovely children. If you do go for dc3 try to make sure you have the resilience to deal with any problems should they occur because however you are feeling impacts your existing dc.

Thank you I found your words very helpful

Whenever I get the “why me” feelings, I say to myself “why not me?”

It helps.

Why do I think I should be exempt from hardship?

Thank you. I do have lots of interests and a career I enjoy but I can’t stop this longing for a third child. But maybe I shouldn’t roll the dice. I worry about my daughter who needed surgery, what if she needed surgery again in the future. It’s major surgery. Perhaps I should do some more counselling again

I understand that and it’s a good approach, but I think it’s because I’ve had so many traumatic events in succession, I feel like I can’t catch a break. No one I know seems to have had to deal with this much at a young age.

thanks for making me laugh with your username

You have been unfortunate, I have two sons, 33 and 35, my eldest very able, married and grandson not close but ok, my younger son Asperger’s like his Dad, little did I know, that. Chooses to be estranged his choice.
Youngest needed a statement ( echp I think now), a nightmare then, I ended up living my ex and sons as he wouldn’t leave me, very tough, he was an emotional bully, I tried to fix my marriage for too long, judge me as you will.
I was nearby for nearly all that time.
Got ‘done’ at 40, so couldn’t have more unexpected babies ( didn’t know what was wrong at that point), sons 8 and 11 when I left.
The thing is you don’t know if you’ll have a severely disabled child, 1in 4 of carrying something genetic, I’m sure lots don’t a numbers game.
My parents killed together in a car accident together at 83 and 85, no one else involved, in France, an area they knew, 2 brothers had to identify them from Italy and Spain.
Have always had bullying at school, difficulty with jobs, bi polar at 37 , prob caused by leaving sons, awful menopause, hormonal depression and now Parkinson’s at 62, 7 years in.
These things happen, I have great friends, fab cat, great family, nice neighbours.
i don’t ask why me.
Please settle for the health, you and children have now, don’t gamble for what might be, life is full of the unexpected, we have to adapt and accept change hard as it is.

You have had a lot to deal with, I think that's why I'm trying to say take it easy from this point onwards because having children is hard, and life does get bumpy. I didn't have the stresses you had at that age, but I have when I was older, so many bad things happened that I started to think the universe was playing a joke on me. I don't think you get more resilient though, I think you get tired of shit things happening, and that's why you need to think about whether a baby (who isn't going to stay a baby) will add extra stress. For some people, it's worth it but for me I was already strained and tired. I agree that whoever said to get more support to come to terms with your experiences, and perhaps PTSD treatment, might be the way forward for now, without cutting off any options.

You're almost 40, that's not 'a young age'. You've not responded to any of the posts regarding gratitude for what you do have. You've been through a lot, but honestly so have most people, and some have been through a lot worse (obviously you haven't shared the specific trauma, but think of Syrian refugees, or women in Afghanistan for example. Parents of the victims of school shootings, etc). Lots of people have lost their parents by 40. Some have lost their children. Count your blessings. In the past few years I've lost two friends (younger than you), one to brain cancer and one to breast cancer. Why them? Why not you? There but for the grace of god, etc.

ETA - you asked for harsh words, so you got them, but if you genuinely can't see past the big black cloud maybe you need to see your GP. Antidepressants changed my life.

perhaps your need for a third baby isn't about the baby... maybe its about finally something going right? perhaps an affirmation that everything is behind you and you really are fixed?

i think that there are people out there who simply have chaotic lives, i don't know why, or why its 1 person and not another. I myself since 16 have gone from trauma to trauma to trauma! none of it was my own doing and even now, many years later i think i'm passed it all then something else happens!

40 is quite young-it depends who you ask! I know the OP asked for 'stern words' but I don't think she meant a roasting.

She lost a parent in her 20s and had two seriously unwell kids in her 30s- that is a lot to cope with for anyone.

I think OP, that having a baby to 'heal' probably isn't a good motivation to do so (they could end up ill or disabled or you could have a tough time) but if you've always wanted a bigger family then that might be!

I can see how you must feel jinxed.

Therapy is never a one size fits all, and my experience is that sometimes knowing your own mind can be unhelpful - it leads to over analysing which can lead to anxiety.

If you are living with a fear of “what’s next” then maybe you need to try a different type of therapy or therapist. Perhaps one that doesn’t focus on your thoughts but takes you away from them and encourages your mind to switch off.

Unfortunately if your OH doesn’t want a third DC that might be a battle it would be unfair to fight. Is it losing your mum young that makes you crave a big family, or something else? If you can get to the root of the desire, maybe you can find a way to overcome it, if it’s going to cause problems in your marriage, assuming you are happy there and all is well.