To struggle to support my DH?

[Cantwaittogethome243]

I’m fully prepared to be told I’m BU here, but I’m really struggling and would really value any tips from others who have been in a similar situation.

DH and I have very young kids, work FT and no family nearby to help so life is hard. DH is very stressed about work (always has been) and to make matters worse has been diagnosed with a chronic condition which causes long term joint pain.

I feel awful for him and am doing what I can to help support him through this. The issue is this has been going on for several months now and it’s severely affecting his mental health (which is totally understandable). I’m struggling with this - I’m so exhausted from daily life that I find it hard to deal with his constant low mood. He’s grumpy most of the time and short with the kids.

I do as much as I can practically - look after the kids most of the time, cook dinner, do most of the housework. But we’re still arguing because I find it hard when he’s in a bad mood every day. I’ve encouraged him to try counselling but he’s resistant.

I know I sound awful because obviously what he’s going through is so hard and I should be there to support him, but I’m finding it exhausting. Any tips very welcome - thank you for reading this far.

I'm sorry your going through this.

I have no advice as I am also in a very similar situation and trying to take things day by day, and on those hard days just taking things hour by hour.

It is hard not to get resentful and it is something more recently I am struggling with,(and I am sure other will have a different opinion but this is my life and how i am trying to keep my head above water) but although your OH has an health condition does not mean your opinion doesn't matter, or you can run yourself into the ground or vs the family dogsbody and do everything, you need support too, you also can have bad days.

I have more recently when I have been having bad days, and tried to speak with oh but he's always worse than I can ever be "it is not a competition and I can be unwell/struggling/unhappy etc too"

So whilst no advice, I get it and I'm here if you ever need a chat.

DH is very stressed about work (always has been) and to make matters worse has been diagnosed with a chronic condition which causes long term joint pain

These two things are most likely related. Chronic emotional stress is the number one trigger of autoimmune arthritis. He needs to understand that finding a way to deal with or remove himself from the work stress is absolutely essential to dealing with his physical pain.

I take it you work full time too? So despite you picking up more than your fair share of the load he is grumpy and short with you all?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I say that as someone who is probably going to be diagnosed with a similar condition at my next hospital appointment. Also have 2 young children and both work full time

Is there anything he can do personally about his work stress levels? Is it a stressful job or is he a stressed person or is it both? That really won’t help his physical health condition -most consultants say try to live a less stressful life. Can you do more heavy physical tasks and he do more research / ordering / lighter type tasks? He also needs to go to the GP for mental health support, whether medication and / or therapy

Thanks so much for your replies so far.

@ConfusedMummy65 I’m really sorry you’re going through something similar. I think the advice about taking things day by day is a good one. It’s sad though, it feels like I’m just ‘getting through’ life and this is the time we should be enjoying our kids when they’re so little.

@CheekyHobson you’re absolutely right about this. I think he knows this on some level but feels trapped work-wise.

@olderbutwiser yes, both work FT and he is short with us most of the time. Mostly I let it wash over me but now and again when I’m really tired I’ll snap at him, then feel really guilty afterwards. It’s a vicious cycle.

you’re absolutely right about this. I think he knows this on some level but feels trapped work-wise.

I know how hard it is when you feel trapped but your situation is unsustainable now and only going to get worse long-term if he doesn’t recognise that he has to deal with the root cause.

In the meantime he needs a good rheumatologist to prescribe effective medication to get the arthritis under control. But long-term he has to recognise that he is not trapped, although he might have to make short-term compromises to get out/change the situation.

In my case I had to leave the emotionally and financially abusive father of my kids and while it was no picnic, four years on I’ve been in drug-free remission for two years and a hundred times happier.

Cards on the table. Tell him the effect his attitude is having on you
You need to find something that will help you and for him to not brush it off. As you said - or someone else did
He needs a good rheumatologist to prescribe effective medication to get the arthritis under control.