I don’t think you’re doing it wrong, it’s bloody exhausting and you’re lucky if you get a child who makes it fun. But maybe there are a few things you could do slightly differently to make life easier for yourselves?
Become very whiny and winding us up constantly I think it might be a bit of a vicious circle. You hate this stage, so might be withdrawing a bit, he senses that so gets a bit whiny and clingy, which makes you want to withdraw even more. I tend to deal with any whinging by sitting him on my lap and very softly asking him what the whinging is all about and telling him he’s a big boy, not a baby, so we don’t do whinging any more, so what is it he needs. 9 times out of 10, it’s food, a nap or five minutes of cuddles before something more exciting catches his attention.
still gets up before 6am every sodding day What time is he going to bed?
brings home multiple germs Sorry to say welcome to the next 14 years, just be thankful it’s colds and sick, not nits.
all our money is spent on soft play and other mind numbing kid crap especially in the cold/rainy weather I would forget about soft play for a while. He can climb on things all he likes, but it’s not doing much for his brain. Could you use that money for an activity once a week? Football club or Karate lessons, or Sea cadets if they take them that young? Cubs/scouts or the younger equivalent? (Woodland Folk rings a bell). A dance class? Gymnastics? Something structured to focus his attention off you and onto something else for an hour. Something he enjoys and can make friends at, so he engages with other children and he learns that whinging is not an attractive quality. You might need to stay with him for a couple of sessions, but let him learn something and show off to you so he can see you be proud of him. And if it’s raining, put his wellies on him and take him puddle jumping. It doesn’t have to cost you money.
I don't love parenting right now and it makes me feel so, so awful about myself It can be soul destroying sometimes. You’re trying to keep them healthy, stimulated, happy etc, everyone else’s kids are learning Japanese or playing the piano and all your child wants to do is watch you entertain him and whinge. This is not something you’ve done wrong. You’ve got nothing to feel awful about.
Every thing we do seems to have to be timetabled in around his needs (walking the dog, diy, housework) This stage isn’t forever. And maybe it will do him good to learn that he can’t always come first. So long as he has food in his tummy and there’s someone looking after him, it’s not going to make you a terrible parent if he has to fit in around you every now and again.
Having to remind him to wash his hands post loo every single time as he has no awareness of hygiene Yeah, kids are disgusting sometimes. Keep at it. Tell him about invisible germs and smelling clean so that his friends will want to play with him. He’ll get there. Show him You Tube videos of Dirty Gertie if it helps!
DH feels the same as the daily grind and relentlessness, no family around or money for baby sitters or treats due to COL. We do occasional play dates and the park etc We sometimes tag team when we’re knackered. One of us will go out for a walk, or for a nap, or upstairs just to read for an hour, while the other one plays dinosaurs or paints etc. No interruptions allowed. Then we swap. Just that hour away to re charge gives you a bit of extra energy. Have you looked into whether you qualify for any free childcare vouchers? Even one morning a week would be good. You obviously love him, but maybe it’s time to do more of the things that make you like him. Is he funny? Is he inventive? What can you do that lets him show you that side of him?