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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have friends who ignore/block you (or everyone) during periods of emotional overwhelm?

38 replies

FunSunday · 15/09/2024 20:19

I’m curious if anyone else goes through this with their friends. Do you have friends who, during tough emotional times, choose to ignore or block you (or everyone), or distance themselves completely for weeks at a time?

How do you handle it, and what strategies have you found helpful in dealing with this kind of behaviour?

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences on this as it’s driving me crazy.

Thanks!

OP posts:
byteme1011 · 15/09/2024 20:21

I have friends like this too, sorry I have no advice - it's hard

Willthiswork78 · 15/09/2024 20:22

I have one friend a bit like this. She's lovely but won't talk to anyone when she's struggling, just shuts down. I've learnt now to leave her alone.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 15/09/2024 20:24

I find it very difficult to manage relationships and during really difficult times I’ve definitely cut myself off until reached out to.

I’m not saying that’s right, and I’ve lost a lot of friends that way. But I honestly struggle to spread myself, and “deal” with the difficult thing.

SleepwalkingInTesco · 15/09/2024 20:24

I am like this due to many factors inc trauma. Replying to a message becomes another source of pressure and overwhelm during a hard time. I would remove the pressure with a message prefaced by something like 'no need to reply to this.' That will actually increase chances of engagement as the added pressure is removed

CherryValley5 · 15/09/2024 20:26

Yes - unfortunately I have been one of those friends. It’s a coping strategy, albeit a bad one. That being said I’ve never blocked anyone, that’s a step too far in my opinion.

Thankfully things have improved and I no longer do it but please be kind and supportive to your friend when they decide to resurface, they really do need you and will be feeling awful about the situation.

Badgerandfox227 · 15/09/2024 20:27

Yes I’m like this at times. If I’m
overwhelmed emotionally, I can’t manage friendships on top as well

Skyrainlight · 15/09/2024 20:36

My advice is just let them do what they need to do in difficult times, it's not about you, stop being so self involved. Leave them in peace. Why is it driving you crazy? They are dealing with things in the best way they can.

PollyannaWhittier · 15/09/2024 20:37

I am probably one of those friends, however I don't 'choose' to distance myself, it becomes impossibly overwhelming to communicate and connect with people. I'm (as yet undiagnosed, but several medical professionals agree) autistic, so I suspect it's related to that.

UmaNipples · 15/09/2024 20:42

I’ve done this. It’s nothing personal. It’s not a good coping strategy for your friend to be doing but I can relate. A few experiences have made me feel that I am making myself more vulnerable if I reach out when I am already in a vulnerable state. So I feel I need to do the safest thing and hunker down. It feels like is unsafe to do the opposite if that makes sense.

If you say ‘thinking of you but no need to reply’ that can be a really nice thing. You can then see the read receipt and at least know that your friend has seen it.

Circe7 · 15/09/2024 20:43

I’m inclined towards this. When my husband left just before I had a baby I didn’t tell anyone for weeks- even my own family. I have great friends and family and they were a huge support a bit later. I find it hard to deal with someone else’s reaction/ emotions on top of my own and need time to process for myself and decide how to deal with something. It’s nothing to do with not valuing my friends and I’m very happy for them to approach me whenever they need me.

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 20:44

Just one

She needs space and I give it to her.

SnobblyBobbly · 15/09/2024 20:47

Mmmm I sort of do this, although I don't block & ignore people but I do hang back and only chat with whoever I come across in my daily life. I don't reach out to my oldest friends necessarily which might bother them, but I hate contacting people with a problem. I feel like I'd be popping up like 'Hey! It's me! Want to hear my bad news?' 😆 So I just don't.

Difficultterrain · 15/09/2024 20:48

I live with someone who will act bright and breezy for the crowd, but I get the real him - can be very distant and overwhelmed when trying to deal with difficult emotions.

I find it exhausting as well tbh, but don’t want him to feel he has to act up for me, so I try to get on with my own stuff and leave him to it - while still knowing I am around. It is hard though.

TickTockPolly · 15/09/2024 21:04

I have a friend like this too. We’ve not known each other that long - about 5 years. We’ll go through periods of speaking daily then she will go quiet for weeks or months. She’s quite upfront about it. It used to bother me a lot and I’d worry I’d done something wrong. Now I generally just leave her be but send her messages and post so she knows I’m there. I continually try to tread the fine line between caring and pissing her off, with a side worry that one day she will try to end her life. She is a hard person to be friends with. It would be so much easier if she was continually asking for help. But it isn’t about me so I just have to roll with it.

There was a time a few years ago when I could really have done with her support. She knew what a hard time I was having, but didn’t step up. Whether she was having a hard time herself or just couldn’t be bothered with me, I’ll never know. But that’s definitely impacted our friendship on my side at least.

TickTockPolly · 15/09/2024 21:09

Mental health support campaigns always focus on speaking to your friends if you’re worried about them. Asking twice. Encouraging them to talk. With the idea that once you’ve been for a walk together and they’ve opened yo they’ll feel loads better.

Nothing prepares you for when a friend replies that yes they have serious mental health problems but they don’t want to see or hear from you and if you try to contact them they’ll just ignore you.

Skyrainlight · 15/09/2024 21:15

TickTockPolly · 15/09/2024 21:09

Mental health support campaigns always focus on speaking to your friends if you’re worried about them. Asking twice. Encouraging them to talk. With the idea that once you’ve been for a walk together and they’ve opened yo they’ll feel loads better.

Nothing prepares you for when a friend replies that yes they have serious mental health problems but they don’t want to see or hear from you and if you try to contact them they’ll just ignore you.

I detest being harassed by my friends when I am having mental health challenges and have communicated I need space, the last thing I need is to manage how they are feeling. People deal with things in different ways and it's important to respect that.

Pelicanbriefcase · 15/09/2024 21:17

FunSunday · 15/09/2024 20:19

I’m curious if anyone else goes through this with their friends. Do you have friends who, during tough emotional times, choose to ignore or block you (or everyone), or distance themselves completely for weeks at a time?

How do you handle it, and what strategies have you found helpful in dealing with this kind of behaviour?

I’m interested in hearing your thoughts and experiences on this as it’s driving me crazy.

Thanks!

Yes I have a few friends like this and can be a bit like this myself, it’s survival mode often. I just always keep checking in on them via text, let them know I’m still there and not going anywhere, when they are ready they always come back.

Catslanding · 15/09/2024 21:20

Yes. People who hate asking for help or hate bringing other people down tend to do this. As do people with no energy left due to whatever is going on in their life.

Lovemybunnies · 15/09/2024 21:23

I had a close friend like this once. Unfortunately I took it personally and the friendship never really recovered. I now realise I should have talked to her about how she was feeling. I wish I could go back.

UltramarineViolet · 15/09/2024 21:37

I wouldn't block or completely ignore friends but if I'm stressed then I definitely take a step back from them and don't feel I have the time or emotional energy to deal with responding to lots of messages

I have friends who I know behave the same so we all give each other space as needed

If I'm struggling then I don't want to get lots of "are you ok" messages, I want to be left alone!

fernsandlilies · 15/09/2024 21:37

My sister is like this.

I am desperately worried about her. I love her. I am her older sister and I long to take care of her, support her, help her in some way, make it better in some way, laugh with her even bitterly, cry with her, share her pain, do something that lets her know she isn’t alone. But I can’t , because she has retreated again.

I frequently have nightmares about my little sister being lost and abandoned and hurt.

All I can do is try to accept that this is how she wants to deal with her feelings.

but really I don’t know how long I can stand it and there may come a time when I pull back to protect myself as well.

housemaus · 15/09/2024 21:39

I'm like this: if my life is stressful for whatever reason, communicating with others is the first thing to go. Looking at my phone and seeing WhatsApp messages, Instagram DMs, missed calls, etc, to reply to when I'm already overwhelmed is just too much - I don't think we're meant to have as much stimulation and constant access by people as we do, and I think it's probably borderline unhealthy that we have so much access to other people all the time!

Having said that, I would understand if my friends weren't happy with having a friendship where we can go a chunk of time without speaking - thankfully my closest friends know that I am always, always available if they need me and would be there in a heartbeat if something big happened but that otherwise if I go quiet I'm probably dealing with something and I'll check in when I've got the mental capacity to do it.

WhatNext24 · 15/09/2024 21:43

I do this. I can't really help it, it's how I cope with stressful times. I don't go no contact with everyone, but low contact with my wider circle of friends. It isn't great and I feel bad for it, but my good friends understand that it is in no way personal.

TerroristToddler · 15/09/2024 21:44

I'm probably this friend at times of stress or when I'm unwell or feeling down. It's not a personal slight to my friends, it's just that I cope better by processing my feelings myself before talking about it endlessly. I need time to figure out how I feel about something and make my plan of action to move forward without others' influence.

I find constant WhatsApp's and messages from friends a bit much even when I'm feeling good! I've got a really full on job and two young kids, a house to run and a husband to try and connect with... I can't do all that and message about the minutiae of my day on a WhatsApp group!it overwhelms me. So if I'm stressed or down that overwhelm just leads me to switch off from all that for a while - and I don't actually think it's a bad thing.

Namechange8463 · 15/09/2024 21:47

Skyrainlight · 15/09/2024 20:36

My advice is just let them do what they need to do in difficult times, it's not about you, stop being so self involved. Leave them in peace. Why is it driving you crazy? They are dealing with things in the best way they can.

This.

I'm one of those people and I have absolutely zero headspace left to deal with anything, but the essential. All I want of an evening is to switch off with mindless TV...