Upset with my this comment from my mum

[EllisBell89]

AIBU or is she?

I claim UC and currently in the LCW section due to my mental health, so don’t need to look for work , however I still need regular video calls, once a month, which I know is part of the agreement.
I was talking to my mum a few hours before my call on Friday and said I was feeling anxious and I feel as though I have to repeat the same thing every video call as nothing actually changes.
She said that it’s free money and I should be grateful that I’m getting it at all, and I should go above and beyond and do whatever they want me to do.
It just made me feel like I’m not worthy of the money and I’m doing something wrong.

She was blunt but correct.

Yeah she's right

I get anxious before my work meetings. Anxiety is a normal emotion that happens to everyone. Work typically has a huge positive impact on mental health, I hope you're able to work again soon, it'll add a lot to your life.

'Get a job'.

Do you have reading and comprehension issues?

What are you doing to help yourself in the long run? Are you seeking help, eg therapy and/or medication? Before you jump on me, I’ve been there.

It strikes me that there might be a subtext to your mum’s comment.

Your Mum is right. You are getting money from people who are working and paying taxes, so it is reasonable to make sure you really need it.

One call a month is easy compared to working 40 hours a week.

Do you feel guilty about being on benefits? Is that why your mum's words hurt so much? If so, is there any kind of work you could consider, perhaps part-time to start with? It might improve your mental wellbeing and sense of self-worth.

I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. It's not been easy, but I have always worked full-time.

Mental illness does not prevent most people working and very few people are incapable of doing any work at all. It might be worth discussing with your mental health nurse or psychiatrist.

Mental illness does not prevent most people working and very few people are incapable of doing any work at all.

This just isn't true.

A huge percentage of mentally ill people are unemployed. There's a very strong link between the two.

Well she is right though isn't she. I get why it would be a sensitive and anxious subject for you but she's 100% right so I do not understand what your issue is with what she has said.

@Sparting limited capability for work, LCWRA is limited capability for work and work related activity

It's a bit chicken and egg though, isn't it? Work is good for our health and our engagement with the world. It can help add meaning and purpose to our lives. It stretches and challenges us and helps us grow as people.

Being longterm unemployed is hugely bad for mental health. It's why I push myself to work in spite of being seriously ill / disabled. Not working would feel like quitting at life. I would sit about at home feeling completely useless and this would make me depressed and anxious.

OP use this time to think about what you want to do and retrain if necessary. It might be working as a nail tech from home or training as a dog groomer or training as a paramedic. It could be anything. Just do something.

You make some fair points but the thing about mental illness is that a person can't always commit to a training course, or to turning up to work every day.

Some mentally ill people literally can't get out of bed for days at a time, yet other times they may be fine.

There aren't many tutors or employers who could deal with that.

She's right though OP.

It was a needlessly dickish thing for your mum to say. Unfortunately as you can see from this thread she’s not the only one with this rather toxic mindset towards those who are longterm sick/disabled in some way and can not work. The attitude is that you should be grateful for any scraps you’re given to get by on. And of course you should explain exactly what your health issue is to a totally nosy bastard stranger too if they demand it. It’s backward thinking for a society imo.

I’m sure the call will be fine btw, and especially short if your situation hasn’t changed since the last one. But these things can feel massive when you’re overwhelmed already and your mental health is suffering a lot. I have longterm depression and other issues. I’m working right now but I know that could change one day if things go tits up and my mental health tanks. I hope things get better for you.

When you try to talk to your mother about how you feel and get that back…it’s not really an emotionally intelligent response is it.

in the context of a completely different conversation, it might be fine to talk about having gratitude for the welfare state although to be honest, your support from the government is clearly not being delivered in a way that would help you feel less anxious, basically being interrogated once a month. It’s part of a hostile environment strategy.
To stop people getting too comfortable . it’s not actually necessary and I imagine it’s quite expensive to administrate.

your mum missed an opportunity to give you an attuned response, she could’ve asked you what strategies you put in place to cope with it, she could’ve talked to you about your experience. opportunity missed and instead you’ve kind of been shamed.

she may well not have meant it but I can see why it hurt. If she has form for minimising and dismissing you, or being judgemental about benefits, it might be better to avoid any conversation about it with her.