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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends that only talk about themselves

23 replies

Hellskitchen24 · 15/09/2024 13:11

I have a good friend let’s call her Kate, who I’ve known for quite a long time. She fell out with some of her family a couple of months ago, which was instigated by her kicking off and causing a scene. I won’t get into the ins and outs but it was apparently ugly.

Anyway, for the last several months since this happened, it’s been me texting her, checking up on her, calling her, visiting her. Basically I have been extremely supportive. A week or so ago I had the audacity to mention via text that I’d had a bad week. She didn’t like this, and said that I was cold and selfish to even consider telling her that I’ve had a bad week given everything that she has been through. I was totally taken aback by this as all I have done is support her for the last several months.

Even prior to this it would be me checking up on her 9 times out of 10. If we chatted on the phone 95% of it would be her talking non stop about herself, then at the end she might ask how I was. I feel like she just uses me as a means to be able to rant and I’m a bit exhausted by it. AIBU??

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 15/09/2024 13:13

Don't give anything to anyone expecting something back.

ChristmasJumpers · 15/09/2024 13:18

I have a friend like this, she's always miserable about something and every conversation is about how things are bad for her. I find that I either have to feed the misery and find things that are stressful with me too, or anything I say about myself would be me bragging about being happy!

She'll message me "how are you?" And I know it's because she wants to get the question out of the way so she can go on to talk about something new that she's struggling with!!

You have my sympathies OP, try checking in with her less, she might not even notice and it'll be less of a headache for you.

Luluissleeping · 15/09/2024 13:35

I'd give her the boot. Friendships should be two ways.

Original poster
Hellskitchen24 · 15/09/2024 14:12

ChristmasJumpers · 15/09/2024 13:18

I have a friend like this, she's always miserable about something and every conversation is about how things are bad for her. I find that I either have to feed the misery and find things that are stressful with me too, or anything I say about myself would be me bragging about being happy!

She'll message me "how are you?" And I know it's because she wants to get the question out of the way so she can go on to talk about something new that she's struggling with!!

You have my sympathies OP, try checking in with her less, she might not even notice and it'll be less of a headache for you.

This is exactly it. I’m scared to share any happy news because it’s always about how miserable her life is, how stressed she is, how exhausted she is. I’m so tired of it. If she asks to call I know it will be her ranting for an hour and me going “yep”, “umm”, “oh really?”, “that’s awful”. It’s so fun sucking.

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 15/09/2024 14:14

She's taking the piss. I'd cut her loose.

ladydeedy · 15/09/2024 14:14

I think you’ve answered your own question.
read your post back to yourself.

ladydeedy · 15/09/2024 14:17

ChristmasJumpers · 15/09/2024 13:18

I have a friend like this, she's always miserable about something and every conversation is about how things are bad for her. I find that I either have to feed the misery and find things that are stressful with me too, or anything I say about myself would be me bragging about being happy!

She'll message me "how are you?" And I know it's because she wants to get the question out of the way so she can go on to talk about something new that she's struggling with!!

You have my sympathies OP, try checking in with her less, she might not even notice and it'll be less of a headache for you.

I had (repeat HAD!) a friend like this. It took me a while to realise it and once I did, I just stopped contacting her as she was so draining.
she’s never asked me why and no doubt had moved onto someone else who can put up with her endless moaning and self absorbed pity.

sonjadog · 15/09/2024 14:18

End this friendship. There is nothing here to salvage. Anyone who responds to your comment like she did is not worth a moment more of your time.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/09/2024 14:19

I'd delete her number and never respond to any attempts at contact again, this person is no ones friend, let her get on with stewing about her problems alone.

Supersimkin7 · 15/09/2024 14:26

Friendship is people who like each other. She doesn’t care about you except as a handy bin for her shit.

changingchaali · 15/09/2024 14:38

Been there OP. It's incredibly draining and disheartening. As much as you may want to stay friends with her I'd suggest you take a giant step back and do not contact her again. She isn't a good friend and she doesn't care about you.

Tagyoureit · 15/09/2024 14:42

Give her a wide berth and expect to not be contacted by her again unless she wants something.
Life's too short for shit friends!

Neolara · 15/09/2024 14:49

Why would you put up with that? That isn't a proper friendship. That's somebody who sees a normal friendship rule around reciprocity and stamps all over it and chucks it out the window.

Have you had other people in your life who lead you to believe this is a normal thing in a relationship? Because it's really not. It's perfectly ok to have boundaries around what you're prepared to put up with.

pinkdelight · 15/09/2024 14:53

said that I was cold and selfish to even consider telling her that I’ve had a bad week given everything that she has been through.

And you replied what? I get that you were taken aback, but I'd find it hard to not reply with some variant on "Fuck off you rude cow. I've spent months listening to you go on and on about your problems and take no interest in me at all. To call me selfish and cold after all that is the last straw. I can see why people fall out with you. Goodbye."

Then block. The fact that you've done 95% of the running and put up with her shittiness is something to think about and address that tendency in future.

Skyrainlight · 15/09/2024 14:54

Concepts that help me to deal with people like this are: 'energy vampires' 'being used as a free therapist' 'emotional dumping'. Has she always been like this? If so I'd move on. If she was ok before the family issues I'd take a massive step back and revisit the relationship in the future.

Sparkletastic · 15/09/2024 15:10

End it.

'This friendship isn't working for me any more. I wish you well.'

minisomum · 15/09/2024 15:15

The fact that she was so dismissive and rude to you speaks volumes and goes far beyond simple self-absorption (I have a couple of friends who are very guilty of this).

GreatMistakes · 15/09/2024 15:17

Gosh, do you know what Kate, I hadn't thought about it like that. I can see where you're coming from so i think its bedt that i spend some time thinking about this and give you some space.

^^the polite version of "fuck the fuck off, I'm not speaking to you for the forseeable."

Thevelvelletes · 15/09/2024 17:17

GreatMistakes · 15/09/2024 15:17

Gosh, do you know what Kate, I hadn't thought about it like that. I can see where you're coming from so i think its bedt that i spend some time thinking about this and give you some space.

^^the polite version of "fuck the fuck off, I'm not speaking to you for the forseeable."

Genius,that's an excellent way to back out of the life draining effects of being the free therapist especially when their problems are so repeated that they become your problems.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 15/09/2024 17:20

Think you can see clearly what she’s like. Time for new friends. She adds nothing of value to your life.

twohotwaterbottles · 15/09/2024 17:39

pinkdelight · 15/09/2024 14:53

said that I was cold and selfish to even consider telling her that I’ve had a bad week given everything that she has been through.

And you replied what? I get that you were taken aback, but I'd find it hard to not reply with some variant on "Fuck off you rude cow. I've spent months listening to you go on and on about your problems and take no interest in me at all. To call me selfish and cold after all that is the last straw. I can see why people fall out with you. Goodbye."

Then block. The fact that you've done 95% of the running and put up with her shittiness is something to think about and address that tendency in future.

Nailed it 💪🏻

Alalalala · 15/09/2024 17:41

Oh dump her. It’s masochistic to do anything else. She sounds awful.

MadCatWoman7 · 15/09/2024 17:47

Sorry but your friendship has no future mileage. Best fade her out now rather than further down the line.

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