Going NC with mum

[Kelwar]

Hi guys,

I’ve posted on here a few times and have been on the stately homes thread which is great to read but not particularly for personal responses as there are so many of us with parental issues, sadly.
I wanted some advice from anyone who hasn’t particularly got toxic parents to get some balance on how I feel.
I’ll try and put my life in a nutshell, by 5yo my parents divorced, my mum got custody of me and my dad got my brother.. my mother put me in boarding school at 6 and I struggled with homesickness to a terrible degree. When I cried to her she would dismiss my upset saying she had to work. She worked with my gran and aunt..
She met a much older richer man who wasn’t overly keen on me or my
brother but she loved the lifestyle he provided and by aged 8 she was leaving at boarding school some weekends so they could holiday. She always chose him over us.
They have a toxic relationship that has been built on heavy drinking and partying and then violence and screaming matches. My mother would smash all the plates in our kitchen in a rage.
At 18 I left home. I didn’t have any money and lived in a dump with a friend just to get away. There was never any financial help from my mother as she always pleaded poverty.
I met my now husband at 27 and have two beautiful children. Shortly after my eldest was born my mother and SF moved to France and I would hear from her once a fortnight. Then they moved to Spain. They had a small flat not far from me when they were in the UK but they rarely helped with my children as they were always abroad.
They moved back to the UK about 6 years ago due to my SF being elderly (he’s 87) and my mother (she is 69) having ailing health complications due to heavy smoking and drinking.
She calls me a lot and expects to spend and hour on the phone each time. This isn’t really doable for me as she often calls at tea time when her husband is at the pub having his daily fix of beer.
As she has got older, she has become so bitter and negative about everything and everyone. She rarely goes out and has pushed all her friends away.
when we see her she likes to put me down in front of my children and when I confronted her she was furious, denied she was trying to hurt me and then tells me she is just ‘having a laugh’
More recently she has also been posting pointed Facebook posts about people not calling her back.. she denies this is about me, but I know it is.
she gaslights me all the time. Has rewritten my whole life and says everything she has ever done has been for me.
last week after yet another furious outburst via text from her when I called her out on yet more poor behaviour, I decided to block her on all platforms. I just can’t cope with it anymore.
I now have my aunt calling and texting me telling me my mum probably doesn’t have long left and to reconsider my decision.
it’s also my mothers 70th birthday coming up and she has been going on and on about her expectations for her birthday, even though she ruined my 40th by turning up hungover and staying for 2hrs. I never had birthday cakes as a child or any real celebrations with my family as most of my birthdays were spent at school. I just can’t forgive her regardless of her health.. but I feel so guilty.
She had been saying things like ‘I hope I make it to 70’ and similar things which I find very manipulative.
what would you do?
My husband says she is a mean woman and even my son who is older has said I need to cut her out.. but why do I feel so awful?
I don’t have my father in my life as he remarried and moved away when I was 13 and we haven’t had contact since
TIA

You feel awful because society tells you that you are supposed to be loving and respectful to your family no matter what. Blood thicker than water and all that...
I stopped speaking to my father when I was 12. He died when I was 25. I don't buy this whole "one day they will be dead and you will wish that...". I never regretted my decision in 15 years he was dead and I am not going to in the future.
People determine their own destiny. It's not on you. My great aunt was horrid to all family members including her daughter. Nobody has particularly great memories of her now she died. I happened to see a different side to her. She was nothing but loving to me and I miss her greatly. I have massive cognitive dissonance hearing stories about her from others but I can't judge people for going low contact with her because doing so was based on their experience, not mine.

From what you have told us OP, you have no reason to feel guilty if you do decide to cut her out of your life. I think these feelings are a bit like those you have when you divorce, you are basically in mourning for the relationship that you hoped you'd have, rather than the one that you did have. We're all told that parents should be loving and caring, putting their children first, but sadly we're all human and some of us make simple mistakes, which can be apologised for and put right, but others are purely selfish, and can never see that when life goes wrong and people no longer want to know, that they've brought it upon themselves. It sounds like your Mother is one of the later. I'm sorry for all the havoc she's wrought on your life, but I don't think you should feel guilty if you decide to cut her out.

You have been let down badly by both of your parents @Kelwar and I’m so sorry.

You are perfectly reasonable to stop having contact with her and I would certainly do the same in your position.

She never prioritised you - to expect you to prioritise her now shows how completely self obsessed she is.

Your aunt was complicit in your neglect and seeks to alleviate her own guilt by interceding in your mother’s behalf.

Guilt is the most pointless and useless emotion OP. It's the only thing keeping you engaged with her.

How do you want to move forward?
What would you find both cathartic and practical?

Thank you for your lovely responses. Im
going to book myself some therapy to try and unpack what’s happened and to be able to move forward in a healthy manner. I don’t want the burden of guilt for the rest of my life.. Ï honestly don’t think I deserve that. I have to remember there was no guilt from her throughout my whole childhood. My needs have never been met. Sure she’s been a friend at times, but she’s often used my oversharing against me. My aunt called me on Friday to speak about my menopause.. my mother he obviously been telling my aunt that’s why I’ve gone rogue. All my menopause has done has enlightened me and probably given me the courage to end the nightmare. Thanks again X

I think therapy is my only option now

Therapy sounds like a good idea, and the best thing about menopause was me no longer giving a f*ck what people think or want.

You don't owe your mother anything. She put you in boarding school when you were six and completely dismissed your distress and homesickness. She has never put you first. She is a disgraceful mother and you should not feel guilty about cutting off contact.

I had a horrible mum too. The more I think back on it, the more I empathise with abused dogs who go skulking back to their bastard owners despite being kicked or neglected…. When they are finally adopted by someone who shows them real love and nurturing, they still have a tendency to want to please the old owner despite knowing the difference, but the reasoning is more to avoid antagonizing them in the first place. Don’t play her games. Tell her you’re busy and don’t want to spend hours on the phone. If she’s not happy with her life only she can change it.

I have huge amounts of empathy for animals and children. I work in a school and was taking care of a little boy in foster care.. I just loved him so much and used to cry all the time for the childhood he had been given.. I could 100% relate to the pain he was in. I trained as a counsellor myself, but I’m not ready to take on peoples problems until I work on my own..

You don’t need to put up with this. Follow contact. Stop exposing g your kids to her. She’s a biological parent, not a mum.

OP, glad to read you will seek therapy.

Your mother is an absolute horror as are her family.

Block the lot of them.
She abandoned you as a child in my view as did your loser father.

You owe her absolutely NOTHING.

Her death will be a release, believe it or not, whenever it happens.

You are just someone she selfishly thinks she is entitled to use now that she is old.

She has ruined enough of your life.

Block her and her family and spend all your efforts going forward parenting YOURSELF with love and kindness.

Do not be dragged into the elder care of this horror of a woman.

Just don't.
Focus on yourself and your family.

No contact with give you increasingly the peace you seek if you can just stick with it.

No one ever regrets it.
The peace is such a blessing to finally experience.

You deserve peace.

She does not sound like a real mother. She is just a womb that happened to grow you. She has never had any interest in you so why should you show any in her?

I have to congratulate you on setting up your own little family successfully after such a bad start. Well done indeed.

I remember when I first went NC with my mum and the guilt I felt. I reached out again a couple of times because of this guilt and on those occasions became hurt by her again and told myself I had to grieve over her in order to move forward; in order for the pain and guilt to stop.

I did grieve - I relived the very few times I was ever happy and also relived the countless times I was hurt. I thought about all those times I’d miss with her in future and the day when she’d be gone and I’d no longer have a chance to have a moment with her again and I sat in that guilt and that pain and that grief and I allowed myself to feel those things without reaching out to her.

Not even one year on yet and I feel next to nothing. I don’t feel guilt, but I get the odd moment like mine or my children’s birthdays have passed and I haven’t heard anything from her, but at first that cut deep and now I have a fleeting thought and move on. I know in more time, I won’t even think of her at all and that’s comforting to me.

I think for me, it would be hard having the aunt phoning me all the time about her. I think it delays the ‘grieving process,’ but that’s only my opinion! I do talk to my aunt (my mum’s sister) but we’ve both gone NC with her so this works.

Yes my aunt is a stumbling block as she is obviously listening to her and her blaming my menopause for this recent NC.. which again proves to me how she can’t take accountability for anything. I might have to go NC with my aunt.. that will be hard as what I’ve done impacts so many people.. but I have to look after my children and myself. Thank you X

@Kelwar it is very difficult, but you know what is best for you and your children. I think your idea of seeking therapy and unpacking it all is a good one too.

I wish you all the comfort and peace in the world: it may not feel like it now, but it does get better in time. There’s no reasoning with someone who takes no accountability for their actions x

That’s what I have found.. when I told her how upset I was about my boarding school life a few years ago.. her response was ‘get over it!’ She denies everything or makes excuses for her behaviour.. she plays the victim all the time.. it’s been such hard work

@Kelwar The other thing I have had to learn to live with is to not expect understanding from others. People who didn’t live through what I did will either minimize my mother’s behaviour (and it’s effect on me) which always had the effect of making me feel crazy, or come up with a justification for it so they could live with their own inaction/blindness. If they are new to your life they will still want to rewrite your history by putting a positive spin on it because mothers are not supposed to be such monsters.

You are so right.. at the moment only my husband, children and aunt know.. only my aunt has tried to intervene.. my brother has just said he’s there for me if I need him. The people really close to me know my story.. couple of best friends who were at school with me. I remember being at school ( a convent) and some of the nuns were so nice to me, I was even given an old pocket watch by one of them who used to be a nurse. I now know they probably recognised my mother wasn’t attached to me and tried to make up for it.. none of the other kids got gifts..