Friend is an alcoholic - WWYD

[MangoRose]

Hi all, just in need of some advice. Have name changed for privacy.

Friend and I are close enough that we have been on holidays together but mostly through our DC who are best friends, they see each other most days, were at school together and now see each other after work/college most days.

The most recent holiday it became obvious to me that my friend is alcohol dependent, her health is dreadful, she's never been particularly in great health but everything seems worse now, many of the issues would be resolved/significantly better without being overweight, drinking or smoking. As the holiday went through she drank more and more, by the 3rd days was bringing 2 drinks back every time but it turns out she was actually getting drinks before coming back from the bar and drinking them quickly first, my DC caught her doing this on more than one occasion, the friend also confided in him that she was drinking every day to excess at home.

Things kicked off a couple of days after getting back from holiday, she called in sick to work and basically drank continuously, so much so the DC took her bank cards so she couldn't buy more late at night, she ended up screaming and crying (my DC was there also) and managed to sneak some other alcohol upstairs without the DC knowing at first.

Obviously my DC is involved due to being there so much and is and extremely worried, my friend called them a couple of times the day after but they didn't answer the phone to her. I am just unsure what I should do, if anything. The DC is safe, they are 16 and know they can come to us at any time, they are not scared but are very upset of course as having to live with someone drinking to that level is obviously difficult to live with.

My family sadly have had lots of dealings with alcoholics and from experience it is really unlikely that she will stop drinking, she told me on holiday she was stopping drinking and smoking when she got back but at that point I hadn't realised the severity of the situation.

Would you get involved at all? Or just be there as a support for the child? The job she does is a clinical one, not something she is on her own doing (think of something like a scrub nurse where they are involved in a procedure but not actually carrying it out) and she doesn't drive so currently I am mostly concerned about the DC living in that environment. I also have no evidence that she drinks prior to work, she definitely is drinking excessively after though, starting on her journey home where she buys drinks to have on the bus.

Sorry if this is a bit long, just wanted to explain the situation, I have put on AIBU for traffic really but really would love any advice on where to go from here. Thank you

I don't think there's much you can do beyond what you already are.

Perhaps send her one message, letting her know that you're concerned and will always be there for her and her DC if they needs you. That she's a great person and you hope shes ok.

I would maybe also pull her DC aside next time they're at yours, to say you think you know what's going on and that if DC needs you, they are always welcome at yours. That living with people who have addictions can be very difficult practically and emotionally and that it's normal to feel upset about it.

There is nothing you can do. If she is not ready for help you will just be wasting emotional energy.

OP you say that she works in a clinical role. Could you have a gentle conversation with her about you noticing a change in her drinking habits and asking if anything has happened to cause this change? Unfortunately it’s not uncommon for healthcare professionals to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms to cope with stress and trauma in the workplace. Most employers (in my country anyway) provide employee assistance programs which include free counselling services.

Thank you all for your responses.

Her DC knows DH and I know about it all and is talking to my DC about it which is good as I know it must be difficult to admit to anyone, he said to my DC to thank us for offering to help him.

My FIL was an alcoholic, in spite of various rehabilitation stints he never admitted he was, he'd make excuses and say it was only whisky he had to stop drinking and that rehab said he could drink anything else (obv untrue). It was a life long struggle for my DH and his sister, as well as for FIL of course, its no life, it is such a horrible thought that another child will potentially go through this.

I don't think it's work causing the issue, it seems to be the only thing she is happy and enthusiastic about. She has got herself into a rut I think with eating, drinking, smoking and not doing anything other than work. She never leaves the house other than to visit her mum, work or go shopping.

Her ex appears not to be a nice person and controls her even though they don't even live in the same city and have been split up a long time. I feel guilty for thinking this but I am now wondering if what she is telling me 100% true, her ex has accused her of being alcoholic for years but we all said he was out of order, there could be more to his side than we believed. He is still a horrible person but the situation definitely seems more complex than I realised at first.

Offer to accompany DC to the AA family support.

I would actually offer DC to move in.

Is her DC at school/college?
id be inclined to call pastoral there and let them know the situation. They can then offer support and monitor from their side, it might be a safeguarding concern.

Is her child at college? Notify the DSL, as they'll be able to put things into place to support them, all the way up to helping them find an appropriate place to live and support themselves away from the addict.

If not, the local authority will be able to assist. They have a duty to help 16 year olds - your involvement could make sure s/he isn't turned away of left trying to save somebody who won't save themselves.

No 16 year should have to live with that level of insecurity and stress.

Personally, I'd also notify the employer before they fuck up any more than they've already done by disappearing after the holiday on a binge.

I think you're doing enough. You're being there will mean a lot to their DC (I was that DC myself and had a friend's mum who treated me like family).

But other than that, I really wouldn't do anything else. People will only stop when they want to and interventions are basically an invention of films and tv

You can't do anything to help your friend, as you know, that can only come from her. But 16 is too young to be living with this situation, so I would concentrate my efforts on helping the child.

DC is more than welcome to stay with us, bizarrely we have another 17 yo living with us whose mother isn't looking after her properly so we have no issue with that at all.

I will get all the info for them re support etc also. Happy to do whatever to help.

They are at college, I know a few people who work in pastoral care as they are helping with the other child living with us and have been amazing with her. I didn't even think of contacting them so thanks for the suggestions.

It's so hard re the work place, if she was unable to work then it would make things worse for her situation however if I get any inkling that she is drinking before work or during then I would not hesitate at all. If she was not fully supervised then I would have already contacted them, I am trying to tread carefully as its early days but I absolutely wouldn't leave it if I felt there was a big risk.

I would sit her down and have a loving caring chat with her about how you can see she is struggling and you care about her and want her to get better.

There is a narrative on MN that ‘alcoholics will never change.’ 🙄 That certainly hasn’t been my experience at all. I’m a recovering alcoholic and I’m sure I was drinking more than your friend (200 ish units a week). When I decided to stop, I stopped and never looked back. There are lots of sober alcoholics in my circles leading wonderful, happy lives who have great relationships with their children and families, who are actually a whole lot more functional that a lot of people I know who have never had an addiction.

There absolutely is hope and a whole new life out there for your friend. She has to want it though. She will absolutely know she has a problem (we all did, but it’s hard to admit to others because of the shame and the stigma around addiction). What really helped me was knowing other people saw I was in so much pain and knowing I was cared about and that people who loved me wanted me to get better.

If you want to help in a practical way, suggest things to do together to keep your relationship strong that don’t involve alcohol. You’d be amazed how many people are happy to point out that they think someone has a problem with alcohol, but then aren’t comfortable meeting up outside the pub or mummy wine night. Invite her for a walk or a swim or breakfast or a crafting class, whatever. And be a safe welcoming landing spot for her children. Sometimes they probably just want to escape home and be somewhere calm where they know what to expect and they feel safe. You can be that for them.

@mindutopia thank you, that's a really good post to read. I will get her out doing something next week, see if she'll open up also. She has no other friends at all, just her mum and her sister so it's so tough for her.

I do understand why MN generally has that narrative though as when you have close family members who are alcoholics and never recover it probably taints your view. She is not admitting it yet, she believes she can stop immediately as she doesn't think she drinks that much but I know that is a stage everyone goes through.

if she's drinking at this level every day then it is only a matter of time before she cocks up and loses her job. Is she a risk at work would you say ? It sounds worrying tbh

Until the holiday I think she was drinking in the evenings only (at least a small bottle of vodka and a bottle of wine) and weekends. She took 2 days off directly after holiday and drank all day on both those days, I believe at least 2 half bottles of vodka then tried to buy another. I am now not confident she will be able to be back to normal for work on Monday if she has upped her drinking so much from before. I think she would call in sick rather than go in though at this stage but obviously i can't be sure.

On holiday her drinking increased massively, her health worsened significantly also (breathing issues).

Risk wise, I guess it doesn't matter if i am more specific as only she would recognise the info on here, no one else would, but she actually is a Band 5 scrub nurse role in orthopaedic surgery, she would never be in surgery alone. Prescribing potentially would be part of her role but she wouldn't be doing final checks. If she was a surgeon for instance I would have already contacted the employer!

I think you still need to if I am being honest. I wouldn't want someone potentially drunk being anywhere near my relative during an operation. It's too much of a risk. It may be the wake up call she needs .

I think you're probably right! The situation is complicated by the fact my child is due to have surgery by her boss soon and she has already requested to scrub in which we said yes to, so it is not something that I would wash my hands off as it doesn't affect us directly, as it does!

You can’t stop someone drinking if they don’t want to unfortunately and I say this as an ex drinker..don’t just take the drink away that can be dangerous and cause seizures she needs to reduce slowly and get help from her GP and local alcohol and drugs service.