Best Friend

[Blueberryancakes]

So my best friend of 20 years started a new relationship 2 years ago and since he’s been on the scene she’s just stopped bothering with me.
I got on really well with her ex- I’ve met her new boyfriend twice since she got with him. Once when I went over for a cuppa for a meet and greet and once when I popped over with some Christmas presents and he was there. He’s very pleasant. She is completely infatuated with him.
She has had to start working full time - her ex earnt a lot of money and she didn’t have to work so now she works pretty much everyday.
Since they’ve been together she has stopped calling me, texting me and is always too busy to meet up.
I understand life is super busy for her now - she has kids and he has kids plus she’s working loads. I backed off to give her space and let her enjoy the ‘honeymoon period’ however 2 years in and she still doesn’t bother much.
I’ve always been there for her, I’m having some horrendous problems at the moment and could really do with some support.
I text her at the start of the year and said hopefully we can see more of each other this year. She agreed but it just hasn’t happened.
She is free weekends but wants to spend all her time with him.

AIBU to be upset? Do I leave it and wait for her to come back? Do I text her and tell her how I feel?

I used to see her every 2-3 weeks. I haven’t seen her in 6 months.

Im so sad as I miss her very much. I don’t have many other friends and was fine with that as I thought quality was better than quantity but I fell that’s back fired on me.

Is it bad that part of me wishes she’d never met this new bloke 😢

I'd be honest. Tell her you miss her, it's been six months and you would love to see her.

If she doesn't make the effort then you might need to consider she's taken a step back from the friendship and maybe you need to do the same.

Did you try to arrange specific dates to meet, or was it a general "let's try to meet up more"?

If she can't do weekends, can you do a weekday evening?

I would message and say something like "can't believe it's been 6 months since we did x (fill in whatever you did last time you saw each other) - where's the time gone? Lots going on at the minute, could really do with a friend right now, so wondering if you're free this week to meet me?" Let her tell you her availability. If she doesn't suggest anything or basically says she has no free time but doesn't ask about the week after, she doesn't value the friendship as much as you do, and has moved on.

There is always a small possibility that she is in an abusive relationship, so I would look for signs of that before I moved on. Has she seemingly dropped all of her friends/family? Does she need his permission to go out? Does she do anything without him? Etc.

Is it bad that you wish she'd never met this bloke? Yes, you're her friend. You should be pleased that she's so happy.

She's working full-time and has children; her life is probably very hectic. It's not unusual for people to want to spend their free time with their children and partner. It's a huge adjustment for her to go from being a SAHM to working every day.

As someone else said, contact her and try to fix a specific date to meet up.

Or you might have to accept that her life has moved on and she has different priorities now. Perhaps concentrate on finding new friends whose lifestyles are more in line with yours.

I was in a similar situation to you at the beginning of the year. I wrote out a message explaining how I felt in a super reasonable way, what I got back was essentially a smack in the face and we haven’t spoken since

as you said we all know life changes and people have priorities, for me being a friend is absolutely one of my priorities, not number 1 but it’s up there. Maybe she just doesn’t value the friendship in the same way? I would lay all your cards on the table and see what she says

Try to message her more and talk about your struggles, maybe she can support you through texts for now. If she doesn't respond back much or Shows no interest then maybe you need to walk away from her.

I’m not sure I’d lay out all my cards on the table as a PP suggested. Have you actually tried to organise something vs vaguely saying you should see each other more? I.e., “are you free on Thursday eve for drinks” “are you free on Saturday morning for coffee and walk/brunch”. I would try to actually see her and then you can have a chat then. If she’s still vague about meeting up after you’ve tried your best to make something happen (eg if she’s not free asking when would work and trying to get a commitment) then sadly you might just have to seek out other friends for the support you need.

It is really sad though and I’m sorry, but at the same time never assume anything and don’t take things personally. Friendships do change over the years and not everyone is in it for the long haul in your life. I hope that if she isn’t then you can make new connections that nourish you.

I do hope her new man isn't a controlling type who is stopping her seeing her friends. These men can often present a pleasant mask to the world.

Have you actually said fancy meeting for a coffee this weekend, or something specific other than we should try and see more of one another? Are you asking speciifc things and she is refusing?

I’ve asked her to do weekends/evenings but she said she can’t as that’s family time.
I’ve asked her to do weekdays but she can’t as she’s working.
I’ve asked her if she wants to go to the cinema she just says she’ll get back to me.

I feel she is so infatuated by her new bloke she just doesn’t want to be with anyone else but him.