No party invitation

notafanofmarmite · 2024-09-14T22:28:18+00:00

A few weeks ago, I was asked to contribute to an album for a colleague retiring, and I was happy to do so…message and a couple of pictures and well wishes. I’ve worked with this colleague for 20 years and we were close. I received a lovely email from this colleague saying I’d missed a nice gathering where the album was presented to him, and some other chatty information. The thing is, I wasn’t invited to the gathering. I am suspecting because the person organising it doesn’t care for me a lot, but it still doesn’t feel great. I just replied to my friend that I wasn’t invited, saying maybe it was an oversight or the email went to spam, and wished him all the best, noting I treasured our friendship (and I do). Would I be unreasonable to ask the organiser what happened, or should I just let it go?

LadyMinerva · 14/09/2024 23:31

I would 100% ask the organiser what happened. Innocently and in front of an audience.

Enough4me · 14/09/2024 23:37

Do what @LadyMinerva said, asap.

ItWasOnAStarryNight · 14/09/2024 23:39

Yep. Ask, and make sure there are plenty of people to witness how shitty they were

poppyzbrite4 · 14/09/2024 23:42

This happened to me. Everyone was talking about a party I hadn't been invited to. So I said to the manager in front of everyone in the office "There was a party? How come I wasn't invited?"

He just squirmed.

DesigningWoman · 14/09/2024 23:44

I wouldn’t bother, personally. I would have if it hadn’t already happened, but it’s over, and your friend knows you didn’t just skip it. Just keep an eye on the colleague.

Ohnobackagain · 14/09/2024 23:46

LadyMinerva · 14/09/2024 23:31

I would 100% ask the organiser what happened. Innocently and in front of an audience.

@notafanofmarmite this

pizzaHeart · 14/09/2024 23:46

your retiring friend probably suspected something about you not being there hence their message.

yes, do as@LadyMinerva suggested

Sethera · 14/09/2024 23:47

Against the grain - I would let it go. You've explained the situation to your retired colleague; you can't undo what happened. Either your omission was a genuine error in which case you're making someone squirm for a mistake; or it was deliberate and you're giving them the satisfaction of showing your upset, which is giving them what they would have wanted by leaving you out.

WTF99 · 14/09/2024 23:49

DesigningWoman · 14/09/2024 23:44

I wouldn’t bother, personally. I would have if it hadn’t already happened, but it’s over, and your friend knows you didn’t just skip it. Just keep an eye on the colleague.

This.
Friend knows you care.
You know colleague is a knob

NewName24 · 14/09/2024 23:55

Thing is, when chatting with colleague I'd worked with for 20 years, and got on well with, prior to them leaving, it would have come up in conversation.
I'd have asked "What are your doing for your leaving do then?"

How can you not have been involved in this conversation ? Even more so when you were asked to sort out some pictures, that would have given another time when conversation would naturally lead to "What we doing to officially send her off then?"

BarbaraHoward · 14/09/2024 23:55

What sort of gathering? Are we talking night out, or everyone gather around John's desk at 3pm?

Poor form to leave you out of the first, not a big deal if it was the latter.

Original poster

notafanofmarmite · 14/09/2024 23:58

To respond to some questions….These are colleagues that I don’t work on site with…it is a group involved with a journal, and my friend was retiring as editor. I don’t see them every day…we communicate on article reviews or board meetings a couple time a year. From what my friend said, it was an afternoon party…it sounded like a nice do.

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NewName24 · 15/09/2024 00:03

Well, I wouldn't expect to be invited in those circumstances.

I retired recently. There are people I've worked with for almost 20 years that I speak to perhaps 3 x a year. I didn't have a 'do' to include all of them, as they are people I speak to 3x a year, not close colleagues. It makes a huge difference.
I sent an e-mail to everyone letting them know I would be leaving and several sent me lovely e-mails back, but none of them would have been expected to be able to leave work in the afternoon to travel to my office for some cake round the photocopier.

You've made this into something it isn't - sounding like you have been excluded, when really I wouldn't have expected to be in cluded in those circumstances.

DesigningWoman · 15/09/2024 00:05

notafanofmarmite · 14/09/2024 23:58

To respond to some questions….These are colleagues that I don’t work on site with…it is a group involved with a journal, and my friend was retiring as editor. I don’t see them every day…we communicate on article reviews or board meetings a couple time a year. From what my friend said, it was an afternoon party…it sounded like a nice do.

Edited

Oh, I think that’s different. I wouldn’t expect an invitation in those circumstances.

Original poster

notafanofmarmite · 15/09/2024 00:05

NewName24 · 15/09/2024 00:03

Well, I wouldn't expect to be invited in those circumstances.

I retired recently. There are people I've worked with for almost 20 years that I speak to perhaps 3 x a year. I didn't have a 'do' to include all of them, as they are people I speak to 3x a year, not close colleagues. It makes a huge difference.
I sent an e-mail to everyone letting them know I would be leaving and several sent me lovely e-mails back, but none of them would have been expected to be able to leave work in the afternoon to travel to my office for some cake round the photocopier.

You've made this into something it isn't - sounding like you have been excluded, when really I wouldn't have expected to be in cluded in those circumstances.

I will clarify. This was a party specifically for people in this group (editorial board) to celebrate the retirement of my friend the editor. I am on the editorial board. Members of the board were asked to contribute to an album. Then I found out later from my friend the editor I wasn’t invited to the party….it was a surprise party for him. Basically it sounds like everyone attended but me, and I was the only one not invited.

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Original poster

notafanofmarmite · 15/09/2024 00:11

DesigningWoman · 15/09/2024 00:05

Oh, I think that’s different. I wouldn’t expect an invitation in those circumstances.

Show quote history

I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear…trying not to out myself here, but heigh-ho. This was a party specifically for people in this group (editorial board) to celebrate the retirement of my friend the editor. I am on the editorial board. Members of the board were asked to contribute to an album. Then I found out later from my friend the editor I wasn’t invited to the party….it was a surprise party for him. Basically it sounds like everyone attended but me, and I was the only one not invited

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onemorerose · 15/09/2024 00:13

I’d probably acknowledge that your friend had told you about the party in an “x got in touch to say he loved the album, sounds like it was a lovely party” way. And leave it at that. So they know you know, and they know your friend knows

Original poster

notafanofmarmite · 15/09/2024 00:22

onemorerose · 15/09/2024 00:13

I’d probably acknowledge that your friend had told you about the party in an “x got in touch to say he loved the album, sounds like it was a lovely party” way. And leave it at that. So they know you know, and they know your friend knows

this is a good suggestion. I emailed the new editor (another friend of mine who wasn’t involved in the organisation of the party) what is suggested in the quote. I also just said for whatever reason I didn’t get an invitation, it probably was just an oversight, and I certainly had no intention of snubbing anyone by not attending.

Anyhow thanks for the comments, all. I am emotionally hurt by this because my friend served as editor a long time, and it was important for me to acknowledge his service and our friendship. But, the ship has sailed, and that’s that. Have a good evening.

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thursdaymurderclub · 15/09/2024 00:37

i have been on the other end of this, i arranged a works christmas gathering, and sent out invitations. i received a no from one colleague, thought no more of it until about a week before the event, my boss came to me very cross, said colleague was in tears because they had not been invited and the boss wanted to know why.. i pointed out that they had been invited and they declined.. the colleague looked a bit confused and then remembered!

Original poster

notafanofmarmite · 15/09/2024 00:47

thursdaymurderclub · 15/09/2024 00:37

i have been on the other end of this, i arranged a works christmas gathering, and sent out invitations. i received a no from one colleague, thought no more of it until about a week before the event, my boss came to me very cross, said colleague was in tears because they had not been invited and the boss wanted to know why.. i pointed out that they had been invited and they declined.. the colleague looked a bit confused and then remembered!

Thanks for this. That’s a tough situation for sure. I thought about that possibility, and before I did anything, did a pretty thorough check of my emails/spam/trash and nothing showed up. That said, i did say it may just have been an oversight, gone to spam, etc. Anyhow, nothing I can do about it now! I wrote my friend and suggested we have a coffee or drink so I can celebrate his service to the journal properly.

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ItWasOnAStarryNight · 15/09/2024 02:41

You see them twice a year? I take it all back, you're probably not as close as you think you are

converseandjeans · 15/09/2024 07:55

@notafanofmarmite

It sounds like he was expecting you there & you were asked for a contribution to the album. So YANBU to be upset about not being invited.

Do you see the organiser at all? Could you respond on same platform where you were asked to contribute & ask what plans are for the presentation? They will then have to admit it's already gone ahead 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster

notafanofmarmite · 15/09/2024 12:28

I don’t generally see the organiser very much…I’ve been a recipient of a lot of passive aggressive behaviour like this from her, and generally try to steer clear of her for the sake of the journal and of course for my friend.

There is a platform yes. I can respond and ask what the plans are for the presentation…I thought about doing that, but, well, I would imagine she would respond that she is innocent and it must be my email going wrong, or my mistake, and I should pay more attention…she’ll spin it that is all my fault anyhow. I’ve caught her before spreading rumours about me that were untrue, or trying to cause me trouble…it is all pretty calculating, designed I suppose to hurt my professional reputation. Not quite sure what the motivation is, other than she doesn’t want people on her turf that she can’t control. It feels a lot like secondary school…I wasn’t very good at those games then, and I’m not now.

My work on the journal has been voluntary…service to the profession sort of thing, and I’ve put some fair few hours into it. I’ve also done some professional favours for the organiser, the retiring editor, and the new editor, some that were fairly onerous. That’s why I am hurt about it. As I mentioned above, I invited my friend out for coffee or a drink to celebrate properly, and said I was very sorry I didn’t attend, and tried to be gracious that the lack of an invitation must have been oversight etc (even I don’t believe the latter as I am typing this….but doing my best at diplomacy).

I’m just retired myself, and I am starting to see that it may be best that I start leaving these editorial boards, and leave folks to all these games they play. No use volunteering to get abused, is there? I think now it is time to have a peaceful Sunday and forget about it all. Thanks to all for your comments.

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