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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

talk about keeping it in the family..

25 replies

mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:39

this is a really complicated situation and I also am slightly worried somebody involved may see it but I need advice on what you would do. I am not a confrontational person which makes this really awkward.
so DH and I are very close with my mother and have a very good relationship with her. DH’s parents divorced when he was very young and as much as he still saw his dad he never was a major role in his life and he wasnt really an active role in raising or providing for him. Since having our children our family’s obviously combined and we all have become a unit ( which is obviously all you could ask for ) BUT the problem is DH always warned me to be wary of his dad as his been known to be a bit of a ‘creep’ or abit ‘touchy’. his dad is married, but his become very obsessive with my mum..phoning her on his work breaks, sending her flirty messages which she doesn’t respond to, trying to meet her alone and tell his wife he is with us, it’s now come to light that he tried touching her and me and my DH are obviously very uncomfortable and don’t know what to actually do. I don’t want to create a huge issue or cause them to potentially split but surely she deserves to know his deleting text messages ( I know this as his told me himself he deletes messaging so she won’t check his phone ) and attempting to flirt with another woman? It’s a really complicated situation and I just feel really weirded out, especially knowing he would happily ruin our own family for his own gain ( I mean we would be step siblings and married? It’s disgusting and selfish he’d even go there.

OP posts:
JacquelineShit · 14/09/2024 22:45

You're calling sexual assault 'attempting to flirt with another woman'??

Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:47

JacquelineShit · 14/09/2024 22:45

You're calling sexual assault 'attempting to flirt with another woman'??

No im not at all, the situation is he went in for a hug but sort of ‘squeezed’ but then somebody walked in and he obviously assumed it was his wife so quickly shot off.

OP posts:
CarefulScreams · 14/09/2024 22:49

we would be step siblings and married? It’s disgusting and selfish he’d even go there

THAT's what you're taking from this situation??

MartinCrieffsLemon · 14/09/2024 22:49

mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:47

No im not at all, the situation is he went in for a hug but sort of ‘squeezed’ but then somebody walked in and he obviously assumed it was his wife so quickly shot off.

Show quote history

That's still sexual assault...

Stichintime · 14/09/2024 22:50

You all sound a bit too close. Put some more boundaries in place around visits etc and tell your mum to block him.

TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 22:51

...............we would be step siblings and married? It’s disgusting and selfish he’d even go there

Why are you focusing on this, rather than the sexual assault on your mother?

Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:51

my mother doesn’t agree, I wasn’t there. she has been through SA and in her eyes this was just him being ‘creepy’. I think if it was me in that situation I would say it was definitely sexual assault but to her it wasn’t?

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 22:54

My aunt and uncle (married) were also in a similar situation.

Her mother and his father got married. Her mother was my grandmother, of course.

But they were all single or divorced to start with.

Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:54

I can assure you I’m not focusing on that over the situation at all, just something I’ve mentioned in the paragraph. I have been non stop stressing over the situation and my DH is so angry and upset because my mother is so important to him and his been more of a parent to him than his dad has ever been. his wanting to confront him and is actually not even sure if he can continue a relationship with him. his disgusted he’d think it’s acceptable to do that to any woman and doesn’t want our children around him

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 14/09/2024 22:55

mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:51

my mother doesn’t agree, I wasn’t there. she has been through SA and in her eyes this was just him being ‘creepy’. I think if it was me in that situation I would say it was definitely sexual assault but to her it wasn’t?

Creepy = sexual assault

MartinCrieffsLemon · 14/09/2024 22:55

mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:51

my mother doesn’t agree, I wasn’t there. she has been through SA and in her eyes this was just him being ‘creepy’. I think if it was me in that situation I would say it was definitely sexual assault but to her it wasn’t?

Probably because "in her day" it wasn't considered sexual assualt

Scutterbug · 14/09/2024 22:57

Your husband needs to talk to his father and lay down the law.

saraclara · 14/09/2024 23:00

Scutterbug · 14/09/2024 22:57

Your husband needs to talk to his father and lay down the law.

No. OP's mother should tell him to stop phoning and messaging her. She has agency.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2024 23:01

@mumof4kids1dog

Your mum is an adult and she should tell the old goat to fuck off and leave her alone or she'll tell his wife AND report him to the police. Now, that being said, my own mum wasn't the type to do that so she probably would just start avoiding him. In that case either I or more probably DH would tear a strip off the old perv and tell him that if there were any other 'incidents' he would be barred from our home, permanently. As far as contacting the police, the thing is that it is up to the victim as to whether or not they want the police involved and I can guarantee you that my mum would not have. Your mum may feel the same.

As far as what the old peckerwood has done with you, that's also your decision, too. If you want to tell his wife, do it. If you want to involve the police, I encourage it. Even if all that happens is they show up at his door for a 'nice little chat' and scare the shit out of him.

Because 'peace in the family' cannot exist when one member is creating havoc. So you may as well take it to the max by pushing back. If the old goat and/or his wife don't like a little truth telling and push back he or they can walk away. And it will likely be no loss. At least to the female members of the family.

Noseybookworm · 14/09/2024 23:01

I would go and see him myself and tell him to stay away from my mother or you'll tell his wife what a creepy bastard he is. Then I'd tell DH that if he wants to see his dad that's up to him but you will not and you don't want him around your kids either. Job done!

Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 23:02

Stichintime · 14/09/2024 22:50

You all sound a bit too close. Put some more boundaries in place around visits etc and tell your mum to block him.

the strangest part is we very rarely see him majority of contact is through his phone calls to DH. I don’t speak to him but his always asking after my mother, who’s has him muted for a long time ( I’ve since helped her block him as she didn’t know how to ) but yes I agree with you

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 23:06

AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2024 23:01

@mumof4kids1dog

Your mum is an adult and she should tell the old goat to fuck off and leave her alone or she'll tell his wife AND report him to the police. Now, that being said, my own mum wasn't the type to do that so she probably would just start avoiding him. In that case either I or more probably DH would tear a strip off the old perv and tell him that if there were any other 'incidents' he would be barred from our home, permanently. As far as contacting the police, the thing is that it is up to the victim as to whether or not they want the police involved and I can guarantee you that my mum would not have. Your mum may feel the same.

As far as what the old peckerwood has done with you, that's also your decision, too. If you want to tell his wife, do it. If you want to involve the police, I encourage it. Even if all that happens is they show up at his door for a 'nice little chat' and scare the shit out of him.

Because 'peace in the family' cannot exist when one member is creating havoc. So you may as well take it to the max by pushing back. If the old goat and/or his wife don't like a little truth telling and push back he or they can walk away. And it will likely be no loss. At least to the female members of the family.

our mums sound very similar! you’ve described exactly how she is. but I love your reply and the last paragraph is absolutely spot on.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/09/2024 23:09

@mumof4kids1dog

I don’t speak to him but his always asking after my mother,

Next time DH should either tell him the truth that she wants nothing to do with him and that neither of you will discuss her with him nor pass on messages, or tell him sarcastically she's joined a Tibetan nunnery to get away from his pesterings and will never be heard from again.

If he asks after her again after that do not respond in any way. Dead air. Then either obviously change the conversation or terminate it.

TiramisuThief · 14/09/2024 23:10

Your mum may be reluctant to press the issue because she doesn't want to cause trouble for your DH

Have you made it clear to her that you support her 100% and would have no issue cutting the creepy old goat off, telling his wife & threatening him with the police?

Your mum sounds like a gem - pick a side and stop hand wringing about it. If DH wants to confront his dad let him. These things are always better out in the open.

Precipice · 14/09/2024 23:10

In-laws getting together is fine if unusual, but his behaviour is inappropriate.

saraclara · 14/09/2024 23:12

Precipice · 14/09/2024 23:10

In-laws getting together is fine if unusual, but his behaviour is inappropriate.

Not fine when he has a wife!

TheCultureHusks · 14/09/2024 23:13

mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 22:54

I can assure you I’m not focusing on that over the situation at all, just something I’ve mentioned in the paragraph. I have been non stop stressing over the situation and my DH is so angry and upset because my mother is so important to him and his been more of a parent to him than his dad has ever been. his wanting to confront him and is actually not even sure if he can continue a relationship with him. his disgusted he’d think it’s acceptable to do that to any woman and doesn’t want our children around him

That seems totally reasonable. I’d support DH in cutting contact. Why would you not? I wouldn’t want him round our children either.

Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 23:13

TiramisuThief · 14/09/2024 23:10

Your mum may be reluctant to press the issue because she doesn't want to cause trouble for your DH

Have you made it clear to her that you support her 100% and would have no issue cutting the creepy old goat off, telling his wife & threatening him with the police?

Your mum sounds like a gem - pick a side and stop hand wringing about it. If DH wants to confront his dad let him. These things are always better out in the open.

We’ve made it very clear, especially DH. she is incredible and we are very lucky to have her, I’d always support her in absolutely anything. Me and DH feel it would be no loss to cut him off

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof4kids1dog · 14/09/2024 23:14

TheCultureHusks · 14/09/2024 23:13

That seems totally reasonable. I’d support DH in cutting contact. Why would you not? I wouldn’t want him round our children either.

Show quote history

I have no intentions to speak to him again , I’m 100% for it

OP posts:
Mintgum · 14/09/2024 23:58

You all sound to close for comfort and very weird.
but my family are more messed up than that.
So you do have some hope.
Hence why I have no contact changed my name and move miles away.

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