To put myself first?

[GruandDrew]

I do not love my H. We feel miles apart and he can be a total arsehole. We are those couples you see staring at the floor with nothing to say. And if I bring stuff up then he can be vindictive so I just don't.

My son is autistic (6) and he's thriving. I've spent the last 3 years doing courses, joining support groups, found a good school and nearly finalised 121 support. I am v patient (if i do say so myself!). And DS has gone from hurting himself and me daily with huge meltdowns to being pretty damn happy (of course still finding things challenging).

H has been a passive observer of all this. And sometimes an outright dickhead about it (to me).

I'm going to fuck up DS if i leave. It 100% will NOT be better for him. He loves his routine, he knows it off by heart. He will HATE having 2 homes. And H will not make it easier for us by putting DS first in decisions but v much putting himself first and I predict chaos and unpredictability at every turn.

It is selfish I can't be persuaded otherwise. Yet, I am so unhappy being around H.

What do I do? I'm so torn. It's all I think about every day. I'm absolutely paralysed by the whole thing

Separate inside the house. Live separate lives, act as house mates and blank his crap. Live your own life.

If you won't leave, what other choice is there?

Do you think your dh would be bothered about having any custody of your doc if he’s challenging? He seems to be a lazy parent. How quickly could your dc learn a new routine?

Leave, go through the turmoil, expect exDH to stop contact?

Better to do it quickly while DC is younger.

Did you grow up in a household like that? I did and I do not thank my parents for it, it’s impacted by whole life. Sure he will take some time to adjust. But keep him there he will be forever scarred.

Rip the band aid off and leave.

yes it may be a rocky patch whilst DS adjusts however with your support I’m sure he will pull through and get used to the new normal.

you cannot commit to staying in that house with a husband you don’t love or like for 10+ years. You may think you’ll be staying for your son but you’ll be damaging him more long term by letting him stay in a hostile toxic environment with a mum who is emotionally battered down and unhappy.

Thanks for the advice. DS is so unaware of things. Like tonight I was just telling H something and he walked out the room and went upstairs while I was mid sentence. It's grinding me down but DS is oblivious. Whether if I leave DS will 100% be confronted with it all. I feel like I've spent the last three years building trust with DS and then just as he's settled at school, made one or two friends and I'm going fi pull the rug from under his feet. It doesn't feel right.

I had considered separating while living together but I don't get my freedom and maybe it will be even worse

Every option feels totally shit!

I imagine it does feel totally shit and I am sorry OP. You're having to deal with guilt and prioritizing your son. But what you do not have to do any longer is prioritize your husband. If you can't leave physically, you can mentally. This takes so much control. I suggest you go to see a counselor that can provide you with an outlet, a place to talk and begin to work on you. Emotional detachment from your husband, or perhaps just grieving the marriage is vital.

You can focus on this even if you don't leave. At first, being this pragmatic may lead you to finding the strength and way to separate.