To think enough is enough now and she needs to toughen up?

[Kl40]

I really don’t know if I am being unfair. Totally open to people telling me I am!!

I have a really good friend. We both had babies at the same time. They are both nearly two now.

Friend has struggled since her Ds was born. My DP works abroad in the week and has done since my dd was 4 months, so I have pretty much done the lion’s share alone. At first I had a lot of sympathy and understanding. My friend is a really lovely person and I have always had huge respect for her.

I am starting to feel really irritated with the ongoing complaining. She’s tired, she doesn’t like her job, her partner isn’t doing enough, she’s struggling, she’s dissatisfied with life. I have talked a lot with her about these things but I am now at the point where I feel like she needs to get a bit of a grip. It’s not PND, so she says. I am getting really frustrated that she isn’t just getting on with stuff. I know I’m probably projecting a bit as I have had to do it pretty much alone but AIBU to feel this way?!

Does she want to vent or what solutions
Because there’s solutions to all her problems

everyone handles motherhood differently and maybe you’re at that point where you’re growing apart?

has she always been negative?

There's no right or wrong here, it sounds like one of your values is not complaining , so it grates - but ultimately you could accept her the way she is, or not.

I think it's very hard to support someone emotionally long-term, especially when you feel they could do more to help themselves.

I had a friend like that. Eventually got bored of her moaning about problems she could fix herself and did the slow fade. My stress levels dropped immediately.

"She’s tired, she doesn’t like her job, her partner isn’t doing enough......."

Send her over to mumsnet

You aren’t better or superior for having done it alone. You also clearly aren’t friends so step away and move on without her in your life.

She sounds overwhelmed and depressed. We don't all have the same resilience or ability to cope. I would gently suggest a Dr appointment as she could be rundown or depressed.

However you are free to drop a friend for any reason.

It's really tough to be the listener sometimes. It can drain your energy, especially when you are coping with your own life. You can't compare your experiences, for some reason her resilience is lower than yours. It might be a good idea to see her less. Or reflect as much as you can 'this sounds tough for you, have you thought about speaking to your husband/ parent/ GP about this'

Tell her to toughen up and see how it goes.

I think you can become the person that gets leaned on and it can all go one way - when you need support your needs are dismissed. Long-term support can be a tough gig - I am too selfish to endure it.

This

She's got into a pattern where you're now the designated listener/rescuer.

I don't think it's healthy - not for you or for her. Ok as a one off chat and obviously you don't want to see her suffer

but if she's just transferring/offloading all the negativity to you then there's not really much you can do? (And then you're mulling over it rather than your own stuff).

I'm sure you have your own problems, but if you're designated "rescuer" you're expected to be the cheerful positive one all the time. It's not really fair on you.

(I've had my own traumas and bad periods, I've learned to self-soothe and not expect one other person to problem solve for me).

If things genuinely are that bad she needs professional help or a life change, but it doesn't sound sustainable for you.

Maybe you could kindly tell her that you're having your own issues so won't be so available, but perhaps she could chat to GP/find a support group/try things like meditation or exercise if feeling really bad.

She's a good friend and a lovely person so it would be sad to let the friendship go if you can save it. Things possibly might change if you stop discussing the details, and tell her you don't know what else to say and that it's getting you down as well now.

I know it might be harsh but I'd just go quiet whenever she starts on moaning on about it all.

Most people understand silence as not wanting to engage, i keep it gives me a sense of perhaps I should shut up.

She just doesn't sound happy but unfortunately it isn't solely your
Responsibility to make her so. She needs to take hold of her life. Y husband works away mon to Fri I'm
Pregnant with our third when I was 35 weeks pregnant with my 1st I lost my
Mum
Very suddenly and unexpectedly during Covid when I look back I don't even know how I survived it but you just crack on because you have to. I definitely couldn't be arsed listening to my friends mundane complaints for a while though
I'd like
To think I'm a better friend again now
Though