Abusive ex moved directly opposite me

[Wifispy]

Am I being unreasonable to feel very uncomfortable with my ex moving directly across the road from me? He moved out over a year ago due to his behaviour with the children (aggressive, shouting, some physical harm) and lived a street away which was bad enough. He was very controlling and coercive towards me during our relationship, and has continued this in recent months, mostly over wanting to be allowed back into the house or have unsupervised access to the kids (I'm not happy about this because there have been further incidents where he has hurt them).

He can see into my house from his new place, he will know all of our movements, when the house is empty, when I'm alone etc. I'm a bit afraid of what he might do, especially as we're disagreeing about contact with the kids. I've stared the process for occupation and non mol orders. What else can I do? I can see him moving his stuff, I feel sick.

I was considering going out the back but he still has a key to the back alley :/ Camera is a good idea.

We'll be going to court to sort out child contact after the last time he hurt one of them, as I don't think he should have unsupervised contact (and I don't want to supervise anymore), and he's been pushing me hard for unsupervised contact. I've completely cut contact with him myself after the malicious report last week. I don't want to stop him seeing the kids but I want it to be safe and I don't want to see him all the time!

I would be changing the back alley lock and all door locks asap

Change the back alley door ASAP

We have a eufy security light and camera it pings straight to the phone and keeps record for 3 months you can also download they are amazon for £88eufy Security Solar Wall Light Cam S120 Solar Security

Speak to the police as well.

He's hurting them, but you don't want to stop him seeing them? Have you done the freedom program? You think that you shouldn't have to see him, but they should be handed over to their abuser?
Take the extra security measures. You need to start to see him for the pathetic man he is. He's human, he can't break through walls, or see through them. So what he sees you go outside? Stop giving him powers in your head. You should have already got your non mol tbh. Still pursue that and be prepared to phone the police and take legal action against anything. Does the school know the situation?

@Ponoka7 I agree…. This man doesn’t sound safe and represents serious safeguarding risks to their physical and psychological safety.

plus all the advice you’ve already had
how old are your kids and do they actually want to see him @Wifispy

awful situation for you. These men are entitled misogynistic controlling predators.

Get a ring doorbell installed today. Ask for a panic button. He has done this to I still fear and co trip so absolutely contact the police.

Hi,
I think it’s absolutely essential that you contact police asap and let them know he’s moved in opposite you and that he made the malicious child safety report. The recency of these two actions alone are very concerning, given he has a history of harming the children too. Cameras, change of locks (including the rear gate), drawing your curtains before switching on internal lights (he’ll be able to see through net curtains at night time if the lights are on inside your house and the curtains are open still).

Also, warn the school he’s moved in opposite you and that you have concerns for the children. Is there a court order etc banning him from picking them up from school without your consent? Make sure they’ve got a photo of him on their records and ask them to contact you immediately if he tries to pick them up from school.

Vary the routes and routine (where you grocery shop etc) you usually follow. If you drive a car and discover he’s tailing you, drive to the nearest police station, park up, don’t get out, and keep your hand on the horn and phone 999.

It would be a one in a gazillion chance that it ‘just so happens’ that of all the rentals or government lets, he ‘ends up’ directly opposite where you live. Has this been a typical pattern of behaviour by him towards you? How else might he have been monitoring you? Does he know where you work (if you do)?

Also, unless your post gets pushed through your letterbox fully each time, I’d consider having a mail redirection to a trusted friend or relative’s house (one he doesn’t go to), just in case he tries to read your mail before you can get to it: Especially important re: court documents/financial info etc.

Supervised visits within a contact centre (only) sound like a good plan. Where do your children play? Keep an eye out for him around them if they’re out in the street playing/walking home from school etc. Just in case he tries to convince them or snatch them into his home.

Sorry you’re going through this.

I would move. I appreciate it’s annoying and expensive, but this situation will cause so much anxiety. 💐

I'd get your mail redirected and get the letterbox sealed against arson.

Locks changed on alleyway gate TODAY.

Make sure all your doors have "Yale" lock that automatically lock when you shut them and lock securely from the inside.

Phone local police domestic violence unit TODAY.

This is scary OP. It seems like his behaviour is escalating? I'd absolutely speak to the police. Make sure they have the full story - the more you tell us the worse it seems.

Thanks for all of your replies and advice .

The key is to the communal alley gate so not directly into the garden thank goodness.

The harm he's caused them (physically at least) is known by SS but not enough for them to recommend no contact - they basically trust me to keep the kids safe in his presence, which I no longer feel I can do. He's fine with our eldest, it's the two under 5 he can't cope with, loses temper, then is rough with them, basically. I grew up without my dad, and know that it's generally thought a relationship with both parents is best, which is why I've been trying to manage the situation myself so far. Given recent events I'm applying for the non mol. But who knows how the courts will see it.

I have a ring doorbell, but didn't think about the letterbox :/

Sorry for the drip feed too, it's actually been good to get this off my chest.

I'm also worried it won't look good to the courts that I've stopped all contact for now, but what choice do I have?

Also I think he's been monitoring my phone and Internet etc, but don't have solid proof.

You can still replace the lock and give each neighbour a new key. Tell them why and ask them to not let your ex have a copy.

You need to get your phone swept for a key logger plus the DC phones and any laptops and computers. Plus spyware. Ask on the geeky section for help with this or go to a store.

You need to change the WiFi password on your router - but from a device you know he hasn't got access to - can you ask a friend to come around and do it from their phone?

Seriously he could be reading this thread, have all your passwords to everything.

If you think he's been monitoring your phone, uninstall any apps you don't recognise as downloaded by yourself, look at security settings to see if some apps have far beyond the permissions that they should ditto screen time settings to see what apps are open, malware scan or potentially a factory reset.

On your computer, do the same thing, uninstall things, do a malware scan, change your passwords on things and make sure to use something like a password manager with two step authentication, so you can keep track of all the long passwords etc you use.

Back up your phone onto a laptop if you can and do a factory reset, that's the only way I'd feel comfortable. Ring your internet provider and tell them you're concerned it's being monitored by an ex.
The attached document might be helpful.

cysur.wales/media/bfwjtosr/domestic-abuse-and-stalking-cyber-security-guidance-for-practitioners-002.pdf#page6

That document was very helpful, thank you. Unfortunately he does have specialist technical knowledge but I did get a new phone and internet and passwords when he left. He has been in the property since then though.

OK you need to go to a specialist to get everything checked out. If he's been in the house he'll have the router password and he may even have made himself administrator. Have you checked?

@Wifispy you might need to do a sweep of your house to make sure he hasnt planted any bugs there!! why did you let him in after he had left though????

please report this, police or social services will see this for what it is.
Do not doubt yourself,
All normal people can see the is a deliberate attempt to intimidate you. You are worried because his behaviour is worrying. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

I'd get a letter box cage as well.

"I wouldn't bother with ring doorbells as they only record when activated."

That's not correct

Sorry to be devils advocate here BUT- are houses in your area few and far between? We live in a desirable area and houses around here sell as quick as the for sale signs go up.

With that said, no harm logging your concerns with the police.