An example of how my husband does things, that drives me up the wall

[ipadgeneration]

We are going out today.

I tidy downstairs, get one of my children ready, pick outfit for the other..

Meanwhile he's upstairs getting himself ready. He comes down and I say ' please can you dress other child '

He proceeds to do so and walks off.

Leaving the dirty clothes he was wearing before all over the living room, plus the tags from the new clothes he's put on the child - all over the floor.

It's always these half arsed things. Why can't he think further than that ?

I go upstairs and the bedroom and bathroom are an absolute mess after he's got ready. Clothes on the floor everywhere etc.

If I say anything, I'm a nag, I should shut up and look at myself and I'm no better and I should stop nagging.

I just can't get through to him.

Another child who was brought up to do nothing around the house by the sound of things OP! Could you bear to leave everything that he just dumps until it gets to a point where he asks why his things haven't been washed, or why YOU haven't put things away, etc? Tell him that women only 'nag' because men are too lazy to do what they're asked the first time. Failing these working, it seems that you have two choices, put up with it, and continue his Mummy's job of running around after him, or kick the lazy bastard out.

Leave everything exactly where it is for now. Don’t say anything. Go out, have a lovely day.

When you get home, take him into the bedroom, away from the kids, and ask him why he thinks it’s your job to clean up after him. Tell him very calmly that him behaving like an incapable child is making you think of him like an incapable child and no normal adult would respect that. Tell him that you don’t want to lose sexual attraction to him, but these qualities in him are making your vagina want to clamp shut. So he either sorts it out or it’s going to ruin your marriage.

Your husband is an adult now and should behave like an ADULT not a petulant child. You are pointing out to him that you are not there to pick up after him he should be doing this himself!
He either listens to you and grows a pair or it will eat away at your marriage. Simple things as putting wet towels and dirty clothing in a washing basket or washer is simple enough. To leave his 'DEBRI' all over the floor after he has got ready for going out is unacceptable in the taken for granted attitude of 'my wife will clear it up'. You are not his servant or his nanny. He is old enough to understand the difference. Like I said he needs to grow a pair.

It's very frustrating and disarming to be called a nag. He gets really annoyed / angry being called out on his shit.

Don't nag him then, just leave it all where it is.

It's not nagging, honestly stop using that word it's so disgusting and misogynistic.
You are simply asking the other adult in your house to be reasonably responsible for the mess THEY make.

It's not nagging. It's holding someone accountable.

Will he clear up if you leave it?

Pile it all up on his side of the bed.
Wanker.

This is the most adult approach.

You'll unlikely get an adult response from the man child who's has women pick up after him all his life. Be warned.

Also, stop doing it, stop picking up after him, stop using the term nagging. As mentioned above by tomatosandwiches

I'd leave it all where it is and walk around it / over it.
If you don't pick it up eventually he will have too.

My ex use to do this (he did have ADHD - not that it's an excuse) but he use to leave wet towels on the bed; if he put it on "my" side of the bed - I moved it to his ... then he had the wet bed when it comes to sleeping lol - He soon stopped doing that!

Your DH is doing it because he knows you'll pick up after him - like he's a child - just stop doing it and start ignoring it / walking over it or round it ..... he'll get the message soon enough - annoying as it is for you though

Check out "The Nag Paradox" by Laura Danger.

She basically explains how people like your H back you into a corner.

They put a lack of effort (or no effort) into domestic labour, claim not to see mess or need a list to know what to do, but simultaneously get annoyed and angry if you ask them to do something.

Your H has put you in the role of household manager, yet he's annoyed when you "manage him" (by asking him to clean up after himself). Offer him a management position in the household, but it requires him putting in as much effort into the housework and home management as you do, alternatively he needs to admit he's not intelligent enough to manage and should gracefully accept guidance from you without complaint.

I.e. he either manages or accepts he's an underling and does as he's fucking told, keeps his mouth shut and a smile on his face.

It's up to him whether he wants to be your equal or your minion.

Hes calling you a nag to shut you up. And you will eventually, and he will get away with doing absolutely nothing. It's called training.

He doesn't clean/tidy up after himself because he sees that as women's work and beneath him.

It's a form of control and manipulation, ie abusive. Look it up, you will see yourself described there. What you do with that information is up yo you.

I got a wake up call early in my marriage. I was slow to hang the washing up and she had reminded me, so she dumped the wet clothes under my douvet. She went in full strike, too, it took me three days to notice, then we had a talk and I changed my ways on the spot.

One of the most effective things she said was are you this incompetent at work? Do you ask your colleagues which shelf the mugs go on or how to use the microwave? She said if I have to be a manager then you do what you are told. If you want fair division of labour, I don’t want to ever remind you to do things.

It really made me understand that work is work wherever it is and you need fair processes to get things done.

It's not all men who have been brought up by an enabling parent.

My DH was brought up to having his bath run and clothes ready for after.
He didn't even know how to dry a plate never mind wash one.
Couldn't use the oven or the kettle.

The day after we married (45 years ago)he asked me to show him these things as his mum wouldn't allow him to do anything. Her house her rules.
From that moment we were a 50/50 partnership.
And our children were brought up to be self sufficient.

You said you were going out. So say something like, "Great, nearly ready, as soon as you've cleared up these bits we can get going". Then pick up a magazine or whatever and sit in a chair reading until it's done. Same with everything else - if he wonders why you're not starting dinner, cheerily tell him you'll be able to get on with that just as soon as he's finished clearing up after lunch or got this laundry out of the way or whatever. Actions speak louder than words; stop nagging, just make it impossible for him to get food or clean clothes or whatever without pulling his weight.

If you can’t stand looking at the mess, get a box and shove it all in there. Ideally in the garage or somewhere else out of sight. And do not do any of his washing (that’s the easiest thing to stop that doesn’t impact you). If it’s you doing the food shop, stop buying anything that’s just for him. He’s making your life hard, so you absolutely should not be doing anything to make his easier.

I wouldn't want the mess so I would give him the ultimatum of it's picked up and put away or in the wash before bedtime otherwise the next morning it's all going in a bin bag and will be thrown out.

Tell him to stop being a lazy ass slop and giving you a reason to nag, tell him to pick his shit up, I'm sure he knows your not going to be happy with his carelessness, or he probably isn't that open minded my bad, but girl I get it and I know how you feel, it's like we gotta put up with the dumb shit they do PLUS be the bad person and belittled for expressing our feelings... It's frustrating and inconsiderate on their end!¡! Hang in there, your doing a wonderful job and it's not easy.... pray, things will get better xoxoxo

What she said☝️