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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He called his ex gf?

24 replies

PrincessPeach87 · 14/09/2024 05:55

My DH (38) and I (37) have been together 8 years & have 3 children.
About 2 months ago on a night out he randomly called his ex girlfriend (of 15 years ago), he didn’t tell me but it showed up on messenger on our family Ipad when my daughter clicked in to talk to her cousins. When I asked him about it he said it was completely innocent.
Fast forward to last week the Ex gf contacted him to ask for free Legal advice (he’s a lawyer) regarding her divorce & DV. He told me about it and asked if that was okay if he were to call her. I said no, that I feel uncomfortable with it because of the random night out drunken phone call he made to her. He seemed to accept that and promised he wouldn’t.
3 days ago he went (alone) to visit his parents. I had an really weird/bad feeling that something had happened, so when he returned I checked his messages (I know, not good) and found that he has contacted her that very evening he went to his parents, there was not much I could see in the messages but it appeared they had a phone call (that he has deleted from his call list)
When I confronted him about it he told me it was strictly regarding the legal issues. I said that he promised me he wouldn’t contact her, he said that he felt like a d*ck because he said he would.
AIBU to feel really betrayed by this?
I feel he completely betrayed my trust and that my feelings and well-being should have come before his feelings of ‘being a dick’ by not contacting her.
I accept that people contact him for legal advice often and if it weren’t for the random drunk phone call the months before I would have been more okay with it.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 14/09/2024 06:00

Why did he call her when he was drunk?

what is your relationship like otherwise?

I think these two things would change how I would react. I could call an ex when drunk because I’d bumped into old friends, or had some important news to pass on etc but it all depends on which ex etc etc

Do you trust him?

Slalomsfathoms · 14/09/2024 06:01

Save your sanity, and leave. He’s a liar and untrustworthy. It will keep going around in your head.

Original poster
PrincessPeach87 · 14/09/2024 06:06

He called her for no particular reason when he was drunk apparently 🤷‍♀️
In regards to women, I did trust him until this.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 14/09/2024 06:09

I don’t know, his explanation stands up when you think of it but it’s already a slippery slope if you feel you have to check up. I think you both need to have a big talk and be sure of why he drunk called her

MoveToParis · 14/09/2024 06:12

Ideally you would be able to have a discussion where you could talk about her being very vulnerable having just left a DV relationship, and how that might mean his ‘helping’ her means she sees him as a bit of a hero/prince, and although of course he’s great the kids and you would be so distraught if he got sucked into that, and he’d go from hero to zero.

She is vulnerable. But talking openly is the only way through this.

Why did they split up?

LoudSnoringDog · 14/09/2024 06:22

Him not being at all open and honest is a concern. He's not giving you much to trust him by is he?!

somethinggotmestarted · 14/09/2024 06:41

Had there been any social media or other contact before the call? I think it's unlikely he called an ex, out of the blue, 15 years later. Not suggesting they are having an illicit affair - but I don't buy that this was a one off random event.

As for the 'going to the parents' thing... you asked him not to contact her again - he did. He felt like a dick for going back on his promise to her, but not to you.

Not divorce worthy, but definitely something you need to work through.

Rosybud88 · 14/09/2024 06:46

This is tricky. If it were me, if I’d specifically said I wasn’t comfortable with my husband speaking with an ex, and then he did it anyway and then tried to hide it, I’d feel as if the ex was being prioritised and I really wouldn’t like this.

Ponoka7 · 14/09/2024 06:51

It's a bit odd that he had her number still. He was looking for something the night he called her. This has got a chance of going towards an affair, if it isn't already.

Tohaveandtohold · 14/09/2024 06:56

That drunken phone call you found does not appear to have been his first one. like he must have been in contact prior to this to have her details. Besides that part, him contacting her in secret to help with her law case could be innocent cos he might not feel good not helping now but then, it might just be that he’s trying to use the situation where she’s vulnerable, etc to warm his way back to her life. Only you know what he’s like

JustMarriedBecca · 14/09/2024 06:59

You say he's a lawyer. What kind of lawyer? One that is in corporate acquisitions or one that deals with divorce?

There is no reason for an M & A lawyer to be speaking to anyone about a divorce unless it's to put them in touch with someone else.

I would feel betrayed. Not by the first call but by the second.

Original poster
PrincessPeach87 · 14/09/2024 07:14

JustMarriedBecca · 14/09/2024 06:59

You say he's a lawyer. What kind of lawyer? One that is in corporate acquisitions or one that deals with divorce?

There is no reason for an M & A lawyer to be speaking to anyone about a divorce unless it's to put them in touch with someone else.

I would feel betrayed. Not by the first call but by the second.

Criminal lawyer, so he’s very knowledgeable in DV cases and he put her in touch with a family lawyer.

Thats my feelings too. The first call was stupid, the second call is the betrayal.

OP posts:
Anyonefortennistoday · 14/09/2024 07:33

Well I'm another one who is sceptical that you would just call someone out of the blue after 15 years if there had been no prior contact. He must have been sure she would be OK with hearing his voice again. And how did he still have her number?

It also seems strange that 2 months after the call she is apparently wanting advice on divorce. If she is indeed in the process of divorce round the very time he thinks to restart contact it seems a strange coincidence.

You know he has lied to you and gone against your express wishes. I would think a lot more has been going on than you yet know about.

I would not trust him.

UnnecessaryOwl · 14/09/2024 07:38

stayathomer · 14/09/2024 06:09

I don’t know, his explanation stands up when you think of it but it’s already a slippery slope if you feel you have to check up. I think you both need to have a big talk and be sure of why he drunk called her

Not when you factor in the drunk phone call it doesn’t.

He also promised his wife that he wouldn’t call ex because she wasn’t comfortable with it but called ex anyway because he didn’t want to let HER down. They never seem to protect the wife’s feelings over other womens do they?

I wouldn’t be happy OP.

Didimum · 14/09/2024 07:45

I would count the first call as a betrayal too. Calling it ‘stupid’ is a way of protecting yourself against its implications.

He has already shown you that he puts his feelings above yours, and that’s not a good marriage.

I wish posters would stop asking ‘do you trust him’ in posts like these. It doesn’t matter – he’s done the untrustworthy thing whether you trusted him or not, so it’s a moot point.

Esme32 · 14/09/2024 07:57

He still has feelings for her. Personally I would issue an ultimatum, this behaviour is unacceptable.

PattiSmithsPattis · 14/09/2024 08:05

Riding roughshod over your (valid) wishes and emotions is not boding well imo.
He needn't have called her to give her info on divorce lawyers. He could have sent that as a msg.
It does seem very strange that he 'drunk' called her and now she needs him to be her knight in shining armour and he is willing to do that despite you, his wife and mother to his children, asking him not to.
I would not forgive this easily, if at all. The trust is gone.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 14/09/2024 08:11

A woman in a DV relationship asked him for help and you refused to let him help?!?!?!

Regardless of whether this person was his ex or not your demand was callous.

I hope there are no kids involved in this DV case!

He is a lawyer. If my DH was a lawyer and turned his back on a DV victim I'd be so disappointed in him. Even if it was his ex.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 14/09/2024 16:43

The woman getting a divorce with of DV element clearly needs help but it doesn't have to be from her ex partner. There are many voluntary groups who would give her good advice and put her in touch with a lawyer. Also it's not good that your partner promised not to call her and then did it, then deleted the history and didn't admit it until challenged. I don't think I would trust him after that unless he showed that he was really sorry and understood it was a betrayal of trust.

Coldfinch · 14/09/2024 16:49

I am sorry this has happened to you. Like you I wouldn’t like it . I can see that his explanations sound reasonable but it would leave a bad feeling in my stomach.

Is he still running with the same crowd from when they were together? Does she live close? Did he hear she’s getting divorced and offered his unsolicited advice or did she contact him first?

A divorce is a long slog and I would not stand for my DH being involved in an ex’s divorce. Tell him his current family needs to be a priority or he can join the court list for his own divorce.

Original poster
PrincessPeach87 · 16/09/2024 12:20

PattiSmithsPattis · 14/09/2024 08:05

Riding roughshod over your (valid) wishes and emotions is not boding well imo.
He needn't have called her to give her info on divorce lawyers. He could have sent that as a msg.
It does seem very strange that he 'drunk' called her and now she needs him to be her knight in shining armour and he is willing to do that despite you, his wife and mother to his children, asking him not to.
I would not forgive this easily, if at all. The trust is gone.

I agree, the trust is gone. So disappointing :(

OP posts:
JustWalkingTheDogs · 16/09/2024 12:23

Firstly why has he still got her number after all these years?

Secondly he lied to you about contacting her

I'd be seriously considering my options c seems he's happy to carry on doing what he wants to with no consideration to your thoughts, feelings or requests

Original poster
PrincessPeach87 · 16/09/2024 12:26

JustWalkingTheDogs · 16/09/2024 12:23

Firstly why has he still got her number after all these years?

Secondly he lied to you about contacting her

I'd be seriously considering my options c seems he's happy to carry on doing what he wants to with no consideration to your thoughts, feelings or requests

He’s now deleted & blocked her on both social media & his phone after realising how upset I am.
He said it was purely just to give her advice and nothing more.
Ugh I just feel so sad & disappointed :(

OP posts:
Coldfinch · 16/09/2024 12:46

@PrincessPeach87

I would also make him write her an email saying that upon reflection he had nothing more to add to the advice he gave her and for the benefit of everyone - especially his own family he wishes her well but doesn’t want to hear from her ever again in any capacity. Good luck blah blah.

Keep your eyes open in the future and I really hope he doesn’t so this again.

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