Is this normal for kids in reception (being ‘mean’)?

[newschoolpals]

So DD has just started at a new school in Reception. None of her nursery friends are there so she’s starting from scratch making new friends, but she’s generally very social and makes friends at soft play etc so I didn’t have any qualms about that. In her class lots of the kids already know each other from being at the school’s preschool last year, but I didn’t think that mattered much, I don’t imagine the kids form cliques or anything at this age.

Anyway, she seems to be mentioning most days that some of them are mean to her. Some examples… one kid called her selfish (which I know may have been warranted), one girl told her she’s not inviting her to her birthday party (she says she doesn’t know why she said it), one boy told her in PE today that she has a hairy back (which she does, but I would never tell her that) and commented on her knickers. I know that kids do say mean things to each other sometimes but this just seems like a lot in one week - she never said anything like this when she was at nursery about any kids in her room but then again she was there since she was 2 and sort of ‘grew’ up with most of the kids there.

I guess I’m just asking if this is normal and just because she’s new to the kids and whether it will stop as she makes some friends. It’s making me feel really sad for her. She doesn’t seem sad when she’s telling me, she’s quite stoic like me, however it must be affecting her on some level.

Poor thing. Kids do say mean things and sometimes it's empty "not invited to my party" is a daft but recurrent power play in KS1! But it sounds like the staff in her room need to more to help her settle if it's mainly kids that know each other already.

If everything is honest and true it’s more just that children have no filter.

Id mention to the teacher that she seems to be having issues finding and making friends.

But things like the hairy back, has she never said something honest yet not nice to hear to you. You know when little children ask if you have a baby in your belly when your maybe a little bloated or are holding said baby in your arms but still a bit inflated.

Not invited to the party. Probably true as the parents/children don’t know her.

I think at that age kids say things that are factual rather than mean, so you say she can be selfish, does have a hairy back so the kid is just saying what they’re seeing. Maybe the girls birthday party is tomorrow and so your DD isn’t invited? I would just monitor it and speak to the teacher if you’re concerned it’s becoming targeted.

Not normal in my experience. This is a lot for one week and quite mean.

Sounds like the bad apples are rolling forward early. She will soon find the ones worth being friends with. I would try teach her some age appropriate, neutral, grey rock responses that don’t make enemies of these children but make it clear she has heard what they have said and she is not phased by it. Sorry I don’t have any suggestions but you know your DD and can help her learn phrases that show her true qualities and she will soon make friends

Yeah I guess you are right in that the hairy back is factual and I guess a kid wouldn't know not to say that.

The party thing - definitely not the girl's party any time soon as we know all the kids' birthdays (gotta love a WhatsApp group), so yeah maybe like a PP mentioned it's a kids form of power play.

Good to have some perspective.

They're normal comments for reception age children, especially in terms 1 where they're all new to each other and to the rules,both written and unwritten, around social skills. Reception is where kids learn to be part of a cohesive group, part of learning that is by occasionally crossing the line.

Remind your DD to tell a grown up there and then if anyone is upsetting her, that sometimes people say/do unkind things for a variety of reasons, and reassure her that it a reflection on them not her. And of course speak to the teacher if you're concerned or if your DD is having trouble settling.

Parties do tend to be a big thing for them as a your not my friend/bestie/ I don’t like you for most of ks1 and some of ks2. So that girl
if she doesn’t have a party already booked and planned is probably trying to signal she doesn’t like her/want to bet her friend. Keep an eye.

But yeah little children learning when to speak and when to keep mouth closed is a task.

Just like how they will tell the teachers all your embarrassing things.

I'm a TA in a school and my third child is in KS1. They do say unkind things but as you say it's not always with the intent of hurting (sometimes is) but I'd definitely mention that you think she could do with some support getting to know the other kids. It's easy to do that- a small sensory or game session with one other kind/reliable child etc.

I think this is all pretty normal 4yo "meanness". Remember they will all be anxious and tired and overwhelmed. And selfish might just mean - I wanted that toy and you've got it.

I also think kids sometimes repeat these things to guage our reaction to it. So you can ask how it made her feel, or mirror the response you want her to have - as though what other kids think doesn't really matter that much as long as she's happy.

The party thing is normal, I get uninvited to my dds hypothetical party all the time, and she’s definitely said it to her friends before mainly when she’s upset with someone.

You’re not coming to my party has been going for over 30 years OP - I remember it being said. Sadly that one remains in vogue until about year 3.
Calling random names/words they don’t properly understand but have heard (like selfish) is typical 4 year old stuff too. As is making factual comments about someone’s appearance (you’re fat, you’re hairy etc).

Most of those are factual, not aiming to be mean. They'll learn not to comment over the next year or so.

The party one might be factual, but it's a standard year R power play-they use it even when their party is nowhere near and it will have no relevance on whether she's invited or not. She'll probably use it herself over the year.

You do get the odd child who does do mean things at that age*, but mostly it isn't, and your dc needs to learn (with support) to negotiate the comments, and react appropriately.

*When dd1 was in preschool (so they were all 3yo as it was the beginning of the year) her and her (new) best friend had a child tell them "I don't want you to be best friends". The next day she approached me on pickup and told me that she was best friends with dd's best friend and they were going to each other's house the next day. The following day she did the same to dd's best friend's mum.

I was a little bit astounded how calculated it seemed, because if she'd wanted to make friends then I'd have expected her to be saying "please can I come to your house with dd" not trying to pretend she was going to the other one's house. So it seemed like a very sophisticated way of behaviour.

But, and this is why I'm using this as an example, there was never anything else from this girl that wasn't nice. She was never particularly one of their group, but they always got on fairly well with her - and they did invite each other to their parties through infants. So I presume it was just a bad way of dealing with friendships at that age. I think (looking back) she was a little confused with navigating friendships and this was her way of trying to seem like she was friends or maybe make friends (she was in a nice little trio of her own, so it wasn't that she didn't have friends).

In my experience they are making huge leaps forward in terms of their social skills and social understanding at this age, and some of it does manifest in power plays ("you're not coming to my party" etc.). Further, kids that age have no filter and call things as they see them.

I don’t think that saying something with the intent to hurt another is in any way normal at 4/5 so I would think it very unlikely to be intentionally mean. From my experience with having 2 daughters experimenting with that sort of thing and realising what you can and can’t say without causing upset doesn’t emerge til around age 7.

Reception age kids just will not have the social skills to know what you can and can’t say to peers without causing damage - this is one of the things they only start to learn now through making friends. That of course doesn’t mean that kids don’t find the comments hurtful though!

I taught reception for years. I clearly remember one little girl coming to me bawling her eyes out because another girl said that her birthday party was cancelled. The crying girl said that her birthday was in April, and this was still September. I asked if a party had been planned yet, she told me it hadn’t. We then discussed that not only was there no party to cancel but this little girl didn’t have the power to cancel the non existent party.

Kids that age do form cliques, quite fluid ones bit they definitely try out different pecking orders sadly

That doesn’t seem normal to me, Dd had a bad experience with one little girl who was just plain mean and one boy who told her she couldn’t join a game because she’s a girl. But generally they are ok. She was in the attached pre-school and they mixed classes and has firmed up friendships with kids who were in her old class and is making new ones. I would speak to the teacher. DD’s teacher was great, she didn’t directly intervene (we both agreed that Dd needed to stand up for herself) other than keeping an eye but reiterated expectations about how to behave to the whole class.

If I’m honest I coached DD on how to deal with it (usually repeating the insult back). It worked quite well. Do role play with her on how to deal with it, I worked on an aloof “and what” attitude the response to be “you can’t be my friend” was “ you can’t be MY friend” and walk away. Etc. it’s super childish, but they are children. The best thing you can do is coach her to stand up for herself.

Honestly they are 5, threat of “you can’t come to my party” met with “well you can’t come to MY party” is sufficient. You just need her to communicate that they can’t pick on her and that she won’t back down, she only has to do it a couple of times to nip it in the bud. I know we are supposed to bring up our children to be above that but I think thats bollocks tbh. The quickest way to stop it is to make sure no-one thinks you are an easy target.

@BusMumsHoliday

Thanks, that's a great insight. I do (of course) try to respond as though it's not a big thing so that she doesn't feel like it is, but didn't think of the possibility that she's consciously wanting to see what my reaction is. I will definitely keep that in mind next time.

Thanks all for the responses. Lots of things to keep in mind and definitely good to have your thoughts.

As an aside - we have two class parties this weekend so it will be interesting to see the interactions between all the kids.