My ‘flaky’ relative

[DamnitImTired]

Just trying to figure a better word to describe my niece 22. Her dad (my BiL) is in a really bad spot health wise and has been for a few years. His health issues have extended to mental health issues which have pretty much ruined his life and made ours and hers pretty hard and difficult. Problem is that he has now been diagnosed with a terminal illness which is possibly partly responsible for his mental health problems. So here we all are caring for a person who is sick but has been an ass to us for years.

ive had to deal with her quite a bit whilst my husband has been away in ‘caring’ for her dad whilst he has been in hospital. On the days I could not put in my time I asked her to help me out. She agreed, she said will do, she even ‘promised’ at some point only for me to find out that she just never did the things she said she would do. I honestly don’t care how she treats her dad and that’s her cross to bear. I have my days too when I just cannot bear to care for someone who has been so vile to me but how can someone say yes and then just not pitch up??? 5 separate occasions in a space of ten days.

It’s like she gets the endorphin rush of saying yes but with no intention of following through. When I confronted her I got a barrage of tears about how tough the situation is with her dad and she just can’t cope…

I also recently found out that prior to her dad being hospitalized she would say yes to fetching him or taking him out of his care home for an outing but then never once arrived and he would sit outside waiting for her to arrive which she never did.

its driving me silly that someone can be so ‘flaky’ and not see the problem. I’ve tried to explain to her that she should rather just say no or communicate that she has had a problem and won’t be able to follow through but she just cannot see the fault. It’s habitual now and I just will not ask her for any help or trust her word.

You’ve solved the problem, just don’t ask her.

Why should she see him when he has been so awful to her?

Your niece likely has her own undiagnosed mental health issues, and it sounds like she's developed an avoidant strategy to avoid conduct with or about her Dad.

That's not your problem to sort out, but I think you can understand it as being not simply unreliability.

She doesn’t want to - and if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t either. She probably says yes as she either intends to at the time, or she feels pressured and judged by her family…

I genuinely don’t understand what you don’t understand. You have explained the problems in detail in your post. I think you are being dismissive of the impacts of your BILs behaviour and 22 is no age to be putting this on someone. You sound judgemental and controlling of your niece and her time and energy. That is something you can address because it is about you, you cannot control your niece.

22 is so young and to be put in a carer’s position is not ideal, especially when he has been vile to her. She is likely saying yes because she feels she has to. Imagine how hard this must be for her and the conflict between knowing how he’s treated her yet knowing he’s her dad and she probably has some level of feeling of care towards him but also lacking empowerment to make choices in these situations because she’s so young.

I don’t think your niece is flaky, I think she’s dealing with a very tough mental load.

Sometimes good people die and sometimes bad people die.

I don't believe that all bad deeds should be forgiven because a person is on their death bed.

If he's been a terrible father to her, does your niece need to care for him in his demise?

Don't rely on her to help any more, she clearly doesn't want to.

You don't even like him yourself.
Why should his daughter, who he abused?

She’s very young and hasn’t had time as an adult to process her dad’s behaviour towards her. if he’s an unpleasant man then you can’t really know what she’s been through. She probably says yes because she’s put on the spot. Stop asking her she actually doesn’t owe her dad or you anything.

I think you are all misunderstanding my problem. If she never saw her dad then I’d be quite ok and understanding of the situation. I’ve told her multiple times when she has sought advice over the impact he has on her life that she needs to have boundaries. The more she says yes to him and fails to deliver on her own word the more he is going to harass her for her time.

she does the same thing to my daughter (her cousin) when she is in town visiting. Makes plans and then doesn’t show. I think this has less to do with her dad and more to do with her.

I would no longer ask her to have input into caring for her Father. Make commitments for yourself, if you want to.
I disagree with some PP, your niece is an adult (even if a damaged person), so let her do as much or as little as she wishes.It is not your place to ask her to help you out.

She does the same thing to my daughter (her cousin) when she is in town visiting. Makes plans and then doesn’t show. I think this has less to do with her dad and more to do with her.

You never mentioned that in your OP.

Generally these types of threads unfold… apologies. There is obviously more information that would lead me to say that this isn’t about caring for her dad but it would be pretty outing. The dad story is how I’ve come across this problem in her that directly affects me. We as a family decided that her dad needed some conpasssion and care and she volunteered to be a part of that. But then when the time came she just failed to show up. With a defense on how much she loved her dad and how hard this is for her to be at his side. Nothing to do with how terrible he has been to her as the reason.

im not completely unreasonable so i thought i gave enough information in my post for readers to understand that this isn’t about caring for her dad. It’s about saying yes and then not following through.

And it is quite simple that I just don’t ask for her help but now in her eyes am a terrible person because I have said she can’t be counted on and I haven’t offered any lifts to the hospital. Make it make sense!!!

I’m still siding with your niece on this one. It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on her and expect a lot. Perhaps she doesn’t feel like she can say no to you or your daughter.

Also, you can talk to someone about boundaries until the cows come home but if they are predisposed to certain behaviour such as people pleasing because of earlier life experiences, this is much harder to change.

Just back off from her and let her live her life.

That last sentence sounded harsher than I meant it to…

The more she says yes to him and fails to deliver on her own word the more he is going to harass her for her time

The OP was about you being demanding of her time not her father. You are very inconsistent in you thinking in this matter. You think she should have boundaries then you think she should see her father 5 times in the last few weeks. You have expectations of her in this situation that you yourself can drop. Let your daughter handle her own issues with her. Your niece sounds like she has had a tough start in life and holds her family including your daughter at a distance. It sounds reasonable based on your posts.

You cannot expect her to have boundaries and then complain when she sets them and sticks to them.

Just stop asking her.

You're giving her mixed messages. She's only 22 and has been abused by this man.

I think there are some people who i would not call flaky but are simply liars, especially about presenting themselves in the best light , i don't think they mean to lie but they always portray themselves as doing more, or being willing to go that extra mile, so will say yes be seen as the caring relative, always volunteer if asked, but actually simply do not put themselves out one inch. I have a few in my life- the friend who only shows up to plans that are in her area, ( her excuses for an no show always involve some very dramatic story), the brother in another close by country who spent all of 20 mins on his 3 day trip home ( after 15 months of being too busy) with his elderly parents- but whos friends tell me how hard it is for him with all his trips home. I'd give your niece some leeway because there is clearly a bad history here, and she's only young and she's dealing with her dad dying, but this could be her personality type.