Should I fade this friend out?

[Thepontiacbanditsfurrydice]

Be as brutal as you like. Old friend who I love and our kids get on well but she has form for being very flaky with social arrangements. Reproducing what happened below. Keen to hear how others would react.

She and I had suggested meeting up with a third person this weekend. (We have all known each other 20+ years.) She messages us both suggesting dates. I provide availability. Third friend doesn’t respond at all. She chases a couple of times, no answer from third friend.

I message my friend offline saying “shall we just go out anyway without x if she’s not about?” Friend says yes, we decide to go tonight and decide to choose a venue today. I ask my partner to cancel after work drinks so he can be here with my 12 year old gets back from an after school club.

Message her an hour ago to check she is still ok. She responds: “Er, I am around but we didn’t hear from x. Might be too last minute. Shall we just wait until x is around?”

Maybe I am being insensitive but to me this feels like a real slap in the face. It says to me one of two things: “I am really disorganised” or “I can’t really be arsed meeting you on your own if x isn’t around so I won’t prioritise you.”

She has quite a long history of behaviour like this: makes people (not just me) feel that she is always on the lookout for a better (social) offer. She can also be very kind and is very good company but I am a bit tired of this.

I am not a fan of ghosting, blocking and flouncing and I get that life is difficult and people can’t always be held to plans so won’t be doing any of that. But it’s the strong sense of me being used as a social prop which has really pissed me off.

Would I BU to ignore her the next time she tries to arrange something?

The hard truth is I really like her. We have loads in common and a similar outlook on loads of things. I really enjoy her company. If I had to choose a friend based on compatibility she would be probably number one.

I know she is fond of me and values our friendship. She has photos of me in her house etc.

But she has always given off this vibe that she places the “tribe” over the individual. She’s always been someone who “runs with a crowd” if that makes sense. When I met her we were part of the same group of friends and that has dissipated over the years.

She does have close female friends but she aligns them with her social group and I have always felt (fairly or unfairly) that she is more concerned with her place in the group than with one on one friendships. She is very happy to make time for group events like parties, holidays and outings, less so for a quiet drink.

She has always been like that and I have accepted her warts and all. But we are now in our 50s. We both have kids and high stress jobs. So seeing friends doesn’t happen by accident any more. You have to get your shit together and I feel she resents having to do the minimum to keep friendships ticking over. And it pisses me off that she seems to view this a burden.

Nope, She's blatantly told you she doesn't want to go

Rude.

You're pushing against a closed door I'm afraid. She's seeing the friendship differently from you and won't change which will always cause you pain. A bit like unrequited love.

Perhaps concentrate on more reciprocal friendships and have a think about why you keep pursuing someone who doesn't want the intimacy of one on one friendship. She may not be capable of giving you the attention you want, not a failing or rejection on your part, but her issue.

I have a friend like this and I understand it can be draining. I don’t initiate one on one plans with her. If she asks me to meet up I make a plan to
meet up knowing it might be cancelled and I get the time back. I guess I manage my own expectations every time. In this instance her circumstances are different from mine and her flakiness is understandable.

As you describe her as being really compatible and you have a long friendship I wouldn’t be quick to phase her out. But just accept her on her own terms and invest more in friends who are more reliable.

Honestly? I had a friend like this. In the end, when she invited me to stuff I would say “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make this. I hope you have a nice time!”

Send her a screenshot of the message agreeing to go out, just the 2 of you. And ask her why she changed the plan without notifying you.
And tell her this pissing about is becoming a real issue.
Don't hang back on saying your piece, she needs pulling up on it.

I think you have the measure of her and it's fine to accept her as she is, just make clear this occasion isn't ok then probably only accept her plans when they suit you. I know it's too late now but 'we'll leave it as you would rather not but it would have been helpful to let me know beforehand that you'd changed your mind'.

I've recently backed off from a friend of nearly 20 years for the same reason. She initiates meeting up, then messes me around. She's just done it to me three times in a row. She suggested another meeting last week and I said no. I haven't got the energy for it anymore.

The more you talk about her, the worse she seems.

Why the extra chance? Shes had plenty and didn’t change…