School not dealing with bullying adequately

[Lizzypet]

My child (Yr 3, Academy Primary school) has been attacked physically by another child on multiple occasions, the worst being knocked to the ground & kicked in the head. This has been dealt with completely inadequately (violent child lies & says they didn't do it, headteacher tells both children to apologise and writes it off as an argument between friends). My child has never been violent towards the other child but, understandably, doesn't want to play with them. My child has been told it is 'unkind' to refuse to play with other child, and the violent behaviour seems to be being excused somewhat on the basis that violent child is upset at not being played with. I am at a bit of a loss about the best way to deal with this. I don't feel the school are safeguarding my child properly and my child is starting to say they don't want to go to school (they've never said that before). Sorry this is a bit rambling.

This is awful but I think quite common.

I'd ask for a meeting with the class teacher about this, and calmly set out that your child feels that they are being bullied by X. You understand that X tells a different story and you recognise that it can be difficult to get to the bottom of these situations but being pushed to play with X is now affecting your child's mental health and their willingness to attend school. Given that the incidents have been physical, you'd appreciate the school's support in safeguarding your child.

But absolutely do not let up on it - some schools are awful at dealing with bullying and will take any opportunity to dismiss it.

Speak to the parents. (politely but firmly yeah?)

Decent parents will be able to put a stop to this. Non decent parents who are probably bullying arseholes themselves won't. Then you can take it further, ie, to the school.

I wouldn’t advise speaking to parents. They’ll deny and it may turn unpleasant.

I agree that a meeting with school staff is necessary to explain exactly what’s going on.

Read the school's anti-bullying policy and follow it to the letter.

Take photographs of injuries your child has sustained. Record date/time of each incident. Email details of all incidents to the school (so there is a trail.)

Ask the school what provision they have in place to keep your child safe at school.

Inform the school that the next time this child hurts your child, you will call the police.

When this happened to my son the school responded in almost exactly the same way as OP has described. I know MN and schools don't approve of speaking to the bully's parents but that's exactly what I did. They certainly didn't like it but it positively impacted the situation and the bullying stopped. Unless the family are local gangsters or similar, most parents don't want their child to be the bully.

" it is 'unkind' to refuse to play "... It's unkind to force a child to play with someone they don't want to play with due to violence. I am so sorry for you, your situation is bad on its own, but the school's reaction is not right at all.

Yes, it's the only way in such circumstances.

This is rubbish for your child. Have been there, few thoughts

• is there cctv?
• when is this hapenning - is it at breaktimes? If yes, advise your child to try to stay in sight lines of an adult on duty so if they are attacked it's visible. This may also deter the bully
• does the other child have SEN? If yes, schools are often reluctant to respond adequately for fear of being labelled ableist (which is wrong)
• does this child target anyone else
• what do your child's friends do when this happens? Do they tell the teacher your child was attacked? It took 5 of my daughters friends going to the head as a group giving evidence that she was being attacked, for our school to take action

Who have you spoken to, and do you have records of any meetings. Speak to class teacher first, then head, then head of governors if you don't receive a satisfactory response. I would advise not speaking to other child's parents on your own, only as part of mediation in school if requested by the school, unless you already have a good relationship with them.

Keep focus on impact on your child. They cannot discuss other child's needs, punishments etc with you.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they're really helpful. I spoke to the headteacher at the end of last year when the worst incident happened, and was very disappointed to see that none of the incidents prior to that had been logged. The child is well known to longer term members of staff but the headteacher is relatively new so didn't know any history. Headteacher is also making it clear that he isn't interested in what has happened in the past, only the here and now, but the past is the exact reason my child doesn't want to be around the other child!
Violent child seems to have hit the ground running this term & is throwing around accusations of meanness about my child and others, then smirking and laughing when they get disciplined. They are also coming up to my child in class & whispering mean thing in their ear.
I have another meeting next week with headteacher & class teacher but don't hold out much hope. Have spoken with parents of other children in similar situations & they say headteacher has been impossible to get through to.

Where are you in UK? We had very similar problem with school being all 'ah but poor little violent child struggles with friends so they ask to make sure minidoreen plays with them, #behind' ... etc. My response was that the GIRFEC legislation meant 'Getting It Right For EVERY Child' which included mine, and wasn't just to appease little violent one and for them to be happy... that worked.

Sorry GIRFEC is Scotland

1. Ask for your child to sit well away from the other child, ideally near the teacher so anything will be seen.
2. Child reports anything unkind.

3 try not to up the drama by reacting strongly to whispers and mean comments. There is lots of this between children at primary age and you need to instead practise dealing with it assertively with your child. Report it but also teach her to be assertive.

1. Ensure any violent incidents are recorded and dealt with in line with the policy.

5 yes she does not have to play with said child. Problem may be that they play as a group and that others in the group do want to play with her. She can't exclude the child from a group game where the child may also have friends.

1. Be aware you might only have part of the story.

@cansu

1. Be aware you might only have part of the story.


2. What part of the story would make the other child's physical assaults OK?

Follow up any meetings with a letter detailing the complaint made, what was discussed during the meeting and the strategies the teacher/headteacher said would be implemented. They will take it more seriously if there is a paper trail.

Accept that the school will do absolutely nothing to prevent the bullying so rule out any plan that might rely on them doing the right thing. Also be prepared for the parents of the bully having no idea that their child is a bully, they might even believe that their child is actually the victim of bullying.
I hope you get it resolved, but expect that different people have been fed different information.

DoreenonTill8
I don't recall saying that the violent assaults were OK or excusable. The OP has also spoken about the other child getting her child into trouble or making comments. It is not wildly improbable that there may be other things going on that the OP is not aware of.

Always ask how they are going to safeguard your child. Look at school's behaviour policy and also their complaints policy. Follow what they say to the letter.

Encourage other parents whose children are suffering to do the same.

I would never encourage you to speak to the child's parents, as that might not end well.

I think the thing that struck me OP was the lack of boundaries the school was trying to enforce. This seems anti safeguarding.

Children need to be clear about their boundaries and should be able to say no. Whether that's playing or anything quite frankly. All this be kind nonsense just breaks boundaries for them.

Yes follow the anti bullying policy, but honestly my friend also went into the headmaster and said they would report the assault to the police if nothing was done but it was quite a serious assault (at a primary school)

As a parent with a child struggling with mental health after experiencing this sort of situation it breaks my heart to hear others going through this - hope this got resolved @Lizzypet

@Cornishbelle I'm so sorry to hear this. The bullying child is no longer focusing on my child (or anyone else in particular as far as I'm aware) but is being quite disruptive in the class day to day, and it seems that the children are very much being made to feel they need to walk on eggshells so as not to upset this child. There is new leadership in place & the class teacher for next year is known to be better at dealing with such behaviour so we'll see.

@Lizzypet thank you, it can feel so much like you're on your own in these situations. Really hope the changes help for you child, and everyone else from the sounds of things. It amazes me the lack of action taken by schools at times, fingers crossed the new leadership will bring in some more robust policies.