To be angry I let them drop extracurricular activities

[fuschiasforever]

Like drama lessons/ music - it became a battle to get them to go / do practice.

Was I a weak parent? Have I failed them as now they don't have that life skill.

The only life skill (and non negotiable) in my book is swimming. My DS has only just stopped lessons at 10 now that he's safe in a pool (he's disliked it from day 1). DD7 has started and stopped things for about 3 years. None are life skills, just hobbies.

Music absolutely does get us through crises.

Correction, it gets you through crises. I find most music irritating and prefer quiet.

I think it's good to encourage kids to try different activities, it's good for confidence, staying fit and healthy, getting away from screens (if that's a concern for you), making friends, character building, learning how to persevere when things get difficult etc.

Forcing a kid to do an activity they hate or are not engaged with I think does more harm than good, and is going to hurt your relationship more than anything else.

As with everything, it's about finding balance. I wouldn't let my girl stop a club/activity if I'd paid for a term/lessons/kit etc. but I would reframe the goals. "Okay so you don't like learning the violin, that's okay. But you have to go to the lessons this term as they are paid for. Is there a piece of music you'd like to learn just fun?".

I think it's great for kids to try new things and would encourage any new interests. I began clubs/sports groups etc as an ADULT in the military. Its never too late.

I have just completed nearly 20 years of lessons with my children.🙄
Would I start over and do it all again?
Absolutely not.
An unmitigated PITA.

They can all play absolutely beautifully.
Do they play? No
Have they any interest? No
Was it worth it to me for the time, effort, cost and energy?

Christ no.

It is the most amazing life skill, especially as they have completed their grades, but you can't force them to enjoy it if they don't.
Possibly in the future they may enjoy it, but I am surrounded by peers that completed their grading yet haven't touched an instrument in 40 years.

So forget about it OP and don't beat yourself up.
I persevered.
My husband would have allowed them give up years ago.
Funnily enough they actually really liked their teacher and were happy to go, despite playing well, they just have no interest.
Yet they are music mad.🤷🏻‍♀️

Surely part of the life skill of hobbies is being brave enough to try something new, meet new people, but then also be capable of realising it's not for you and leaving gracefully, perhaps with some new friends kept in touch with, and then trying something else new. If you force them to commit long term to things it's going to make them reluctant to try new things through their life and also means they could find it hard to leave things long after they are getting anything from it.

Thanks for great replies- mumsnet is such a great space - will try to stop beating myself up quite so much 🔥

By the way the universities don’t give a shit. So if you are doing it for that don’t bother.

It’s all about super curricular they want to see your child loves the degree subject by doing free volunteer type things related to it. Which you can do when they about 16. Universities are trying to be inclusive and years of piano practice demonstrates pushy parents / money so that “dont impress them much” as shania Twain says!

You need to let your kids be their own people

They aren’t life skills. I’ve never acted or played a musical instrument in my life but I seem to be managing adulting just fine.

So many adults will openly say they regret giving up eg piano lessons or whatever and wish their parents had encouraged them to keep doing it, as they'd love as an adult to be able to really play.
I think there's a huge difference between forcing a kid to keep doing an activity they hate and have repeatedly asked to stop, and not just letting them quit the first point it gets a bit tougher.
So many kids do a couple of years music lessons, come home one day after a harder lesson and say 'i want to give up' and parent says 'ok'.
Someone on here once said never let them give up on a bad day, tell them if they still want to give up on a good day, then they can. I think this is great advice. I've never heard of a child deciding they want to give up the day they find out they passed an exam.
I think its important to work out whether the desire to give up is a fleeting thing, or they really really don't want to do it anymore.

Too little information. How old are they? How long did they do them for? Letting your child drop something when you've paid up and haven't given it a chance, probably not ideal. But they change and try new things all the time and that's fine.

DS is in secondary and I do insist that he does at least one extra curricular at school and one out of school. But he can choose what those are.

School days are very stressful now. My child just didn’t have the head space to deal with extra activities. She just wanted to come home from school and be left alone. It’s sad but I didn’t want to add anything else to her to do list

I agree with everyone that forcing a child to do something is never a good idea. Sometimes they need to be encouraged and helped to continue through some hard moments, if it is something important to them, at least until age 12 or so, when I think it is really their decision.

On the other hand, I just want to say that what people can learn from music lessons is so much more than how to play a tune, and the relationships that can develop with a music teacher, or with friends that a teenager plays chamber music with, can be some of the most meaningful things in a child's life.

Drama isn’t a life skill. If they are good at drama and enjoy it they’ll do it at secondary, or be able to pick it up at any age of their life.

Here as a professional classical musician who believes wholly in what I do and in the value of music education:

It's not a life skill. But music lessons can help enrich musical enjoyment or the rest of their lives.

There are plenty of musical activities that you can still do without taking lessons:

• Go to concerts (proms, family concerts, concerts in your local church...) so that they hear a broad range of styles and different instruments
• Many concerts have pre-concert events such as talks, or family activities
• Put the radio on! Sing along, clap along, dance - really interact with it
• If you are Christian, you could go to some carol services for a good singsong
• Family karaoke night
• Watch films about musicians

Maximise exposure to musical activities. Maybe in the future they'll decide to pick up an instrument again, but they can still enjoy fulfilling musical lives without.

Drama and music are not life skills. Why would you make them do something they don't enjoy? My kids can chose what they do, I really don't care either way, with the exception of swimming - which is a life skill!!

In my (unpopular) opinion, multiple extra curricular activities are the new 'Keeping up with the Joneses'. They are only good for the kids if they genuinely enjoy them and are not overscheduled. My DD6 struggles to have a playdate with our 5 year old neighbour, as she's out the house more than in. I do think it depends on the age of the child, but I would limit them to about 3 a week. It is unlikely your children will become a musical genius if they hate music practice and you have to force them. Gentle encouragement is ok I guess. It's a giant FOMO for some parents.

Neither of mine bothered with music or drama, they simply weren't interested. DS had a little go at guitar, group lessons at school in about Y3, he was hopeless and didn't enjoy it so we didn't move on to individual lessons.

Both DD and DS really enjoy sport, in Y8 and Y11 they both train 5-6 days a week, compete round the country etc, it's very much their thing. Even within that, we've tried everything, gymnastics, football, rugby (boys and girls), cricket, athletics, netball, hockey, swimming, judo. DS has settled on athletics and rugby, DD on netball and athletics. The key is letting them try everything and make their own minds up as to what they want to pursue. It's pointless, expensive and time consuming forcing them into extra curriculars they don't want to do.

when I was at school hardly anyone did activities. Music lessons were largely done at school, some boys played football/cricket. I can’t think of a single friend who did anything structured outside of school. I can remember one girl who did dancing to competition level and that’s it.
I must say DH did loads of extra curricular stuff, all organised by himself, his parents weren’t interested.

I think it’s good to have hobbies, especially into adulthood. But no one is forcing adults to go and do activities like drama and music as we know people generally have to enjoy something to take part.

It's really difficult to make a reluctant child/teen go along to an activity. I'm currently still managing to persuade my youngest to continue but it's becoming a bit of a battle. It's frustrating because when she's there she likes it but it's the getting her there which is the tough part. My eldest gave up his sport a year ago...I was devastated!

Very true.
A couple of years ago I was done and because my youngest wasn't playing at all I pushed hard to give up.
I was fed up of the weekly drive and commitment.
She was having none of it, she wanted to finish her grading.
So it is complicated.

I have a few friends whose children did come back later and complain that they gave up and should have been pushed to continue, but they just let them rant.

We persevered with tennis lessons for years too. They may not play much now but it is a fantastic game to resume later in life when you have been coached as a junior.

Not life skills like swimming for sure, but definitely can be life enhancing if resumed at some point.