To phase out contact with family member…

CornishMaid2024 · 2024-09-12T21:14:43+00:00

I am livid so need some outside perspective. My FIL has a terminal illness and is end of life. My DH was on the phone to another family member regarding his care and there was a disagreement which resulted in the family member getting irate on the phone, disrespectful, blaming…they said some really awful things to my DH. I don’t feel like I can ‘forgive and forget’ this family member for saying some really awful things to my DH, I don’t want toxic people around my DC. Is it reasonable of me to stop contacting them/sending birthday messages/pictures of DC etc? DH said no contact until they apologise but I don’t think even an apology will make amends!

Pantaloons99 · 12/09/2024 22:18

Just stop, pause and take a breath. You've gone from 0 to 1000. You're very upset and it's hard to think clearly sometimes in this emotional place.

Just don't communicate with them at all until you're feeling calmer. When you're feeling calm you can assess it more rationally. You might think that this person is reacting through fear at the impending death of a loved one. Or maybe you will think this is the last straw. You can't make a reasonable decision until you feel in a calm space.

Anonymouseposter · 12/09/2024 22:48

It's a fraught time when a family member is terminally ill. I agree that it's best not to react or say anything while emotions are still running high.
You refer to "toxic people". I don't doubt that what the relative said was very unpleasant but are they generally a person who likes to cause stress and upset or were they reacting from a position of being stressed and upset.
I would let things settle down and wait to see what happens next.
If its mainly your husband's family I would take a back seat and let him take the lead.
The whole family is about to go through a difficult time so I would avoid drama as much as possible.
i might react slightly differently depending which relative this is . If its MIL I would cut her some slack, one of his siblings-just back off for a bit. A more distant relative and I just wouldn't make an effort to get in touch and see what they do.

Original poster

CornishMaid2024 · 13/09/2024 07:16

Pantaloons99 · 12/09/2024 22:18

Just stop, pause and take a breath. You've gone from 0 to 1000. You're very upset and it's hard to think clearly sometimes in this emotional place.

Just don't communicate with them at all until you're feeling calmer. When you're feeling calm you can assess it more rationally. You might think that this person is reacting through fear at the impending death of a loved one. Or maybe you will think this is the last straw. You can't make a reasonable decision until you feel in a calm space.

Definitely the last straw 😅
they were on the phone to DH telling him “you’re killing them” I’d never blame someone for killing them - the disease is killing them!
I’ve not spoken to said family member throughout the summer holidays because they’re been sticking their nose in from afar rather than being physically present and helping with emotional and personal care - they want things their way but won’t come and help. Everyone is getting fed up and a couple of members of the family are p*ssed off also.
DH is a lot more chilled out than me but he said last night he’s not going to speak to them unless later they apologise.

OP posts:

Original poster

CornishMaid2024 · 13/09/2024 07:21

Anonymouseposter · 12/09/2024 22:48

It's a fraught time when a family member is terminally ill. I agree that it's best not to react or say anything while emotions are still running high.
You refer to "toxic people". I don't doubt that what the relative said was very unpleasant but are they generally a person who likes to cause stress and upset or were they reacting from a position of being stressed and upset.
I would let things settle down and wait to see what happens next.
If its mainly your husband's family I would take a back seat and let him take the lead.
The whole family is about to go through a difficult time so I would avoid drama as much as possible.
i might react slightly differently depending which relative this is . If its MIL I would cut her some slack, one of his siblings-just back off for a bit. A more distant relative and I just wouldn't make an effort to get in touch and see what they do.

They were on the phone to DH telling him “you’re killing him” I’d never blame someone like that - the disease is killing them.
I’ve not spoken to said family member throughout the summer holidays because they’ve been sticking their nose in from afar rather than being physically present and helping with emotional and personal care - they want things their way but won’t come and help. Everyone is getting fed up and a couple of members of the family are p*ssed off also.
DH is a lot more chilled out than me but he said last night he’s not going to speak to them unless they apologise.
Unfortunately the family member isn’t very good at introspection so this might not resolve.

OP posts:

Sinisterdexter · 13/09/2024 07:24

My dsis once telephoned my elderly father that I should take him to a specific event, I could hear every word as I was sat next to him, she was 300 miles away.
I told him that if she'd like to shift her arse she was welcome to come down and take him herself.
Dad relayed this back to dsis but I knew she'd heard me.

I suggest a similar approach.