to want ds's dad to spend less time with us?

[macca08]

dp and I (both women) have an 11wo ds, whose father is a friend. He has been spending every Sat & Sun afternoon here, and just sits holding ds except for when he needs feeding (bf on demand). We can't see friends because they work weekdays, and ds needs to sleep in the evenings. The original agreement was weekly contact, and now we're trying to move to one day/wk, but dad wants 8 hours which seems like a long day with an 11wo (we suggested 6).

We've compromised on alternate one day (6 hours) and two day (2 x 4 hours) weekends for now, but that only gives us 2 weekend days a month to ourselves. We want ds to have a bond with his dad, but seeing him this often is driving us crazy as we don't get to hold ds (except for feeds) the whole time. Also, it's difficult to persuade dad that ds needs to nap, so we're left with an overtired cranky baby when he leaves. Things will change as ds grows up, but right now, this seems too much. We are poor negotiators and just give in to dad, and are now starting to resent him, which is not at all what we want to feel towards the father of our beautiful ds.

So, are we being selfish and will limiting time at this stage screw up ds's relationship with his dad? Or should we grow some backbone?

I think yabu in wanting to curtail contact time, but not in wanting to spread it out more evenly. I agree with all the posters who say little and often is the best thing atm, could you suggest to him that instead of coming round every weekend, he comes round for half a day at the weekend and a couple of hours on two or three more days per week? You could also mention that as DS grows older and doesn't need to be with his mother all the time, he could then extend the times he spends with his DS.

It sounds like you are all good friends and trying to make this work and that is half the battle. Good luck with it.

macca congratulations on your new wee baby. ok so what arrangements formal or informal have been made amongst all parties.

any documentation (inc emails etc) about arrangements or was it all verbal

is dad listed on birth certificate as dad
any parental responsibility agreements

Where a child birth is registered by both parents together so that the father's name is on the birth certificate then the father will automatically have parental responsibility.

Financial arrangements -Child maintenance

fathers remain responsible for supporting their children financially whether or not they have parental responsibility and the Child Support Agency can force them to pay maintenance.

Parental responsibility for gay and lesbian parents

'Parental responsibility' is the legal term which describes many of your rights and responsibilities as a parent of a particular child. Having parental responsibility means you can make decisions about that child's welfare, for example in relation to their education and consent to treatment. For any couple, including gay and lesbian couples, where 1 or both persons in the relationship do not automatically have parental responsibility for a child, it will be important to consider what steps might be necessary to take to acquire it.

Who has parental responsibility automatically?

The biological mother will automatically have parental responsibility. The law also presumes that married parents each have parental responsibility for their child. They share parental responsibility jointly but can exercise it independently.

are things still amicable and cordial

I agree with lucicle- there is obviously a strong bond developing, go withe flow for now.
As you probably know, once your ds reaches 7/8/9 the stronger the bond with a male role model the better. This is where it begins!!

Congratulations on the baby and good luck to all four of you!!!

It worries me a little that you haven't got a formal agreement, macca, because what is happening now is in effect setting a precedent and will be harder to change later without creating conflict. I do think you need to draw up a proper agreement between the three of you - it really does make it much easier to negotiate the tough times. Having said which, having an 11 week old newborn is not the right time to agree a formal anything! Is your friendship with this guy strong enough for you to have a chat with him about the situation, acknowledge the legitimate feelings on both sides, and suggest that you (a) agree a compromise to get you through the next few weeks, and (b) agree to draw up a proper agreement when you feel strong enough to do so?

If you want more information about how we did it, or a copy of our agreement, do CAT me (or whatever they call it now).

All best xx