Husband suddenly being very selfish?

[summerpeach22]

DH has typically shared his weight of chores and errands, we are usually a pretty good team. I've always ended up doing a little bit more in the past 10 years we have been together, but he also typically makes generous surprises like going out to get us coffee and pastries, etc. Kind little gestures and I reciprocate too!

In the last few weeks, I have seen a complete 360 of his behavior. To give an example of a few incidents:

Last night I was feeling unwell and went to bed after cooking us dinner. He left everything out/ food on the chopping board etc. in the kitchen so when I came down at 1am to get some water I had to put it all away. He would usually help by putting everything in the dishwasher but left his dirty plate on the table, and it is still there this morning. This has happened a few times in the last few weeks, so not specific to me being sick.

He goes to the gym 3 times a week, and occasionally takes his car to the racing track. I work around 10 hours a day and don't have the time to do similar activities, which means late nights (WFH). On these days he says he is too tired to walk the dog and will play his video games. I end up going out at 9/10pm to walk the dog in the dark on my own, and it's not safe. We used to go together and share this, even if he was tired.

My uncle (who he has met many times) nearly died three weeks ago from Kidney failure and it was extremely traumatic since I found him dying and had to call an ambulance. I've been running around going to hospitals in another city and absolutely exhausted as I'm his next of kin (no other family where I live). He has shown no willingness to pick me up the car (I don't drive), or take anything off my plate at home. I have had to spend 100s on Ubers, restaurants etc. He has been no moral support. However, he is quite happy to drive to the city or go to places when he wants.

This is not the man I was married to a few weeks ago. AIBU that this not ok? Has anyone else seen a shift in their DH behavior so rapidly?

I think because of your uncle’s illness, he is sulking and feeling neglected and resentful as you are busy and distracted. Men can behave like large children at times. I would definitely raise it with him and I’m hopeful it’s nothing to jump to conclusions about (cherchez la femme and all that).

Has something happened at work perhaps? It does sound like burnout/depression is another possibility. Maybe he doesn't want to burden you if he knows you're going through a rough time with your uncle being ill. Does his change in behaviour predate your uncle being unwell?

His head has been turned...

If he is still going to the gym 3 times a week, taking his car to the racing track, playing video games and generally looking after his own needs, including solo outings in his car, it doesn't sound as though he is depressed.

It does sound as though he has checked out of the relationship. Perhaps he is one of those men who doesn't like his partner's attention being focused elsewhere as it is, quite naturally, with yours and your uncles ill health. But it does sound as though there is possibly another woman somewhere in the picture.

You really do need to have a conversation with him. He is behaving in a way that indicates he no longer even likes you, let alone cares about you. You need to know why and if he is not forth coming you should be asking him how he sees your future together panning out. Have it clear in your head before the conversation as to whether you are prepared to stay in the marriage if he is not willing to be open and honest about what is going on.

My ex-husband suddenly changed overnight. Turned out he had decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. The marriage limped on for another 3 years with me trying to change his mind - but eventually collapsed. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

I'm sorry that's happening to you. He's behaving very badly. I'd talk to him about it and think about leaving, if he doesn't change his ways.

He seems to have cut himself off from you and family life. Mine did this whilst beginning an affair . This . Or he could be questioning his own mortality as your uncles death is near to him . I know that I went on a life is too short campaign after losing some of my contemporaries. Definitely a conversation needs to be had before he does something that you can not forgive.

He is almost certainly cheating.

Men are very predictable.

Do you have children? It's just you haven't mentioned them but say you don't have time for hobbies and seem jealous of your husband spending time doing things he enjoys. I don't think going to the gym 3 times a week and the odd day racing is unreasonable, particularly for someone who is childfree. Maybe you have both started to resent each other.

One ex did this to me when he was having an affair

My child's father did this to me when I was pregnant - I think he didn't like me focusing on the baby and my own health and focusing less on him. He also used to do random gestures of romantic or sweet things like proposing or booking me a massage on some days and then was vile to me on others (he left me before baby was born due to me talking about my feelings and therefore being selfish as I knew he didn't like that!)

Yes this happened when I was pregnant

Yeah I was pregnant at the time as well. He'd already cheated before I found out I was pregnant and got himself addicted to those dating apps! It was downhill from there.

How are there so many pathetic, selfish, inadequate men out there?

You are very kind and understanding to this selfish man. Is he still your husband?

Took me a long time to get this much objectivity about the subject 🤣
I do also think fear of his own mortality came into it, a younger colleague of his had pitched over and died, literally on the table at a board meeting earlier that year.
Regardless of that, his actions were incredibly selfish and damaging and took therapy, insight and a lot of work on his part to ( mainly) repair. You can always see the crack where something was broken but it can still be beautiful and valuable again. So yes, he’s still my husband.

I had this with my (soon to be ex) husband, turned out he was depressed and his resentment of me reached a peak that could no longer be contained. I mean it had been building for years and I had no idea. I knew about the depression and that depression can make your worse traits worse but not about the resentment.

Could be that this extra pull on your time with your uncle has pushed him over the edge with the resentment he feels. I would say talk to him, might be worth talking with him at a couples counselling session or discretely recording it so you at least have proof in case he becomes abusive (you'd probably say he'd never do that but I bet you'd say he'd never treat you the way he is treating you now either).

I'm sorry about your uncle and that your husband's being an absolute ass at the same time.