Car Purchase

[Createausername1234]

hi All,
I would highly appreciate if I could get a third opinion please on an incident, it is a long read, sorry.

We drive a 2009 year car(shared) that could do with an upgrade and has the right conditions for it financially. I raised this with my husband(very laid back) in June and he agreed. I told him some of my criteria(roof, automatic, small size but ideally SUV) but left it to him as I am not very switched on about EV vs. Hybrid. I gave gentle nudges during term break(we had plenty of time during school holidays) and on those days he would log on to autotrade but without any further actions. His nature is - he will try to get away from doing something or get someone else to do it for him but 100% would not accept this about him. 3 months went by and there was not a single visit to test drive a car. Finally, I decided to take matters into my hands (I always have to do this I feel) but did not do it happily as I made it clear it was not nice of him to always make me do things, even buying a car. I decided to go to a garage and test-drove a car(say A) on 1st September and was very happy with it. Now at this point, he had reservations about the brand(He is also very indecisive). So I gave him some time to test drive other cars and gave him a deadline(I did this because I knew he would drag on further otherwise).
He chose another brand(say B), he booked and we went for another test drive. He was not sure of the spec, so he wanted to try B with a different spec( I liked B)
I couldn't join for this test drive but I was happy with him to go alone. Now the colour of this 2nd car is dark blue which almost looks like black. TBH, at this point, I was not too fussed about colour as I felt he started getting more specific and I just wanted to get a new car. My husband again wanted to drive 3rd car(B with another spec, bluish black) at a different garage which was fine by me.
I was having a discussion with my daughter that made me tell to my husband this morning- 'I am now having second thoughts about the colour'. Hell broke loose for my husband blaming me for not joining him for second viewing and how he had spend time blah blah.
I felt it was totally unnecessary! If he told me the same in a better tone, I would happily apologise but I felt really annoyed with the way he reacted.
He would spend hours justifying how he reacted and at this point I don't back off either until I pull out an apology out of him resulting in a full blown argument.
I wanted to ask you sensible folks, how would you handle this situation please?
Maybe I am overreacting. :(

You’re both overreacting. If you wanted to look at cars then go and look at cars. I don’t understand why you needed your DH to do this for you. A second hand car will sell itself to you, compromises are often necessary. It’s not like a brand new one where you’re choosing your own colour.

If I wanted a car I'd just go and get one. This whole thing sounds like tit for tat over nothing.

I'm not sure why you needed to wait for your DH to do it.

If you agreed new car then you could have started the ball rolling.

As for the colour then it would have been helpful to speak up earlier that you didn't like the dark colour as it essentially wasted your DHs time going to see the other dark one!

You are both a little over dramatic!

Is the colour really that important?

Do you habitually hang around looking at it?

Most of the time you are with it you will be on the inside and won't see the colour.

(Does this reveal my disinterest in my own car?) 🤣

Thank you all! I know I wrote a lengthy post.
I am okay with all the colours and cars so far..I did not even say I don't want that car, I just had a random remark..I am not a fuzzy person at all..It feels like walking on eggshells all the time..but if I do everything and hand it on a plate to him, he is a happy lad. The minute he does 5 mins of work, get ready to watch him fume up from time to time..the random remark that got my husband worked up so much which I felt was totally unnecessary.

The whole crux of this is you two cannot communicate effectively and I would honestly suggest counselling because "I did not do it happily as I made it clear it was not nice of him to always make me do things so you were pissy, he was pissy.

To find out information about EVs vs hybrid Youtube has a million videos on this, easy to watch and digest, get informed, maybe even watch them together and have a discussion afterwards to state your preference. As it is a shared car both of you need input. Car brands should have been discussed before you test drove car A. As you knew you had time over the summer holidays I wonder why you didn't push this, you could see him on Autotrader but had no conversation whilst he was browsing. And yes you will argue that you do everything, that is what the counselling is for to address that too.

So much drama over a car colour. Start doing things together, as a team to achieve an end goal which is to get the car you both want. It shouldn't be this hard.

you are right, I am pissed at him. He is a very intelligent man but extremely lazy. He walked around with scratched glasses for months until I took him to a eyewear shop. He walked around in torn jackets for months until I ordered a new one. Is this normal?

You should just both go together and look and stop being silly about it.

Or just tell us what the cars are and we can decide for you.

I work an extremely stressful job(gets paid more as well, so no complains there).
In the initial days, I felt used for household duties, lots of lengthy arguments and that changed in my favour. He simply do not want to do anything unless someone forcefully makes him do it. Are all men like this? My dad was very different, he kept a list of things to be done and was a very responsible man. I do not have a brother, so I am not sure if this is what majority of men are like.

Honestly I would have told him to piss off and why has it taken him so long to do anything when you asked him JUNE

Agree with most of this, but not the "go do it by yourself" feeling.

I would also add: with any used car, there is a certain element of taking a chance. It's not fair on one individual for the burden of that to be on only them, so a joint purchase of a car should always be done together.

I think one of you going to view and test drive cars, both presumably knowing the colour, and then having second thoughts based on the colour is a massive waste of the sales staff time.
I think you’re both being quite wishy washy here. Time for decisive action whoever has to do it. Its not that big of a task and you both seem to be stuck on your respective fences!

agreed! you have a fair point!

Thank you all! I just did not win the lottery with husband material! All those unmarried women reading this - please choose your partners carefully!! If you are ambitious and driven, highly recommend marrying someone who has the same energy/vibe!