To want to kick out DS of the house

[HelpWhatDoIdoNowPlease]

I am at my wits end with DS. He’s 23 and although has a high paying grad job still lives at home. Fine as he’s still quite young…It was never a discussion, was all quite natural for him to stay.

Except we can’t cope with how dirty he is anymore. Every time he uses the kitchen, he leaves it in such a state… Crumbs everywhere, dirty plates and cutlery on the worktop (despite the dishwasher being empty), leaves smelly stuffs in the fridge without covering (we have plenty of boxes/cling film etc), dirty hob, dirty worktop, open and half eaten bananas on the worktop… We were away most of the summer and when he went away, he forgot to empty the bin and there were flies everywhere… His bedroom and bathroom aren’t any better, toilets dirty, bedding always upside down etc

We’ve of course spoken to him many times about it. It got better at some point but it’s been going downhill lately. Siblings also exasperated which is creating additional issues.

I want to sit down with him and tell him what the rules are - if he doesn’t follow them he will have to find somewhere else to live.
DH is also very annoyed but thinks I am too harsh. DS has ASD but pretty mild and can function normally, you wouldn’t notice from the outside. He’s normally well organised, has a very good degree and job so when he wants he can.

YANBU: you’re not too harsh, write the rules black on white and if he can’t cope, he’s have to find somewhere else to live
YABU: cut him some slack and keep asking him gently to clean after himself

It could be that he is at capacity mentally in his new role learning new things and getting used to working long hours. Working full time can be demanding for someone on the spectrum. Could you ask him to see an executive function coach or an occupational therapist who specialises in ASD and structuring tasks?

You could kick him out but if he is struggling to function now it could be detrimental to not equip him with more or better strategies.

it really depends if you honestly can’t cope with him in the house or if he is just super annoying and you can tolerate it for six more months while he develops strategies.

High paying grad job: ask him to pay for a cleaner.

ASD should not be marshalled as an excuse for filth, particularly if he is working and functioning.

Clean up himself, pay for a cleaner, or go and filth his own accommodation.

I second getting him to pay for a cleaner.

From some personal experience......might he have some kind of block when it comes to cleaning up at home? I use the term 'block' because that's what I use for myself - sometimes I have absolute paralysis/blindness when it comes to certain tasks or concepts.

What I'm saying is, if he moves out, he might get to grips with it all.

Does he do his own laundry/sheets/keep his bedroom clean and tidy?

And how did he do at university, in terms of keeping his personal space/shared space clean and tidy?

I think you need to write things down clearly, give him his own fridge if you have space, and get on top of it. Also I agree make him pay for a cleaner, but help him organise himself first.

No medication for ASD.

1). Did he ever have the skills to tidy up after himself and has he regressed? As a pp suggested, he may be functioning at capacity.

2). Has he always been messy? Will he always need a well paid cleaner/housekeeper type? Then suggest he needs to start paying for one. Might as well work it into his budget early.

3). Did he move away for university and how did he cope? Did he have support and what form did that take?

4). You have posted in AIBU so may get some harsh answers. Might https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_teens_and_young_adults get you some more targetted responses?

We were in the same position son was 23 asd messy and never listened and was coming between dh and I and annoying his siblings so we gave him one month and it was the making of him.
Our relationship is so much better because as much as we love him we just couldn't live with him but now we have a mutual respect.
You're not doing him any favours and if he's outstayed his welcome he will come between you and dh.
Ds has a little studio flat and is loving his independence and we're just round the corner if he need us.

what state is he living in?

I'd set out some clear expectations and tell him that if it isn't something he thinks he can manage for whatever reason then he needs to consider hiring a cleaner at least for his personal spaces or start looking for his own home/flat/room somewhere so he can live how he wishes.

By not clearly setting out and holding him to account on basic standards of cleanliness you and DH doing him a disservice. Your DH may think it's harsh but what's the alternative? He moves out to a houseshare or to live with a partner, continues to live like a slob and inflicts this on someone else. If they're not related to him, chances are they'll be a lot more blunt and a lot less patient...

@PoliteExpert he keeps it nice when there's no one else to do it for him.

I be blunt and very blunt with him.

What i would say is.
You want to live like a pig find somewhere else to live like it because your not staying here living like that end of.
So you either change and start living like a human or get the fuck out start looking for somewhere else you got one month from to day.
Find somewhere else or clean up like the rest of us and no im not joking.
Welcome to the adult world.
Ending with this -- > Cup a tea anyone.

Sometimes we have to be harsh for the message to get through even tho we dont want to say things that may hurt.
But there comes a time when enough is enough and the molly cuddling and sweet talk stops.

OP you've told us about his behaviour, which sounds awful. What's his attitude like? Is he rude and dismissive or does he get upset and say he can't cope?

For me the attitude would shape my reaction more than the filth.

I think you need to realise that just because he’s intelligent and has a good degree it means only that. It’s no reflection on his ability to keep house. Also I think if you stopped think about his autism as mild you might get somewhere with him.

Do you have an awareness about ‘executive function’.

I would make a very clear written list of expectations and then go through it with him, giving him 1 month to follow it otherwise he will need to move into his own space.

My son was like this in his bedroom
Kitchen wasn’t so bad as he didn’t cook much
but his bedroom he could have a dead body in there and I wouldn’t have known

I had a rule ( keep the fucking bedroom door shut )
And my other half fixed the window so it had to stay partially open ( so fresh air ) but if he wanted to live like a slob as long as I couldn’t see or smell it that’s down to him

strangely he moved out in to rented around 2 years ago and then bought a place with his partner

both places you could eat off the floor
always smelt lovely like pumpkins or fresh bread😂

I have never been in his house and seen it messy
mirrors always polished
floors are always swept and vacuumed
kitchen and counters are always clean
fridge always clean and tidy
rarely dishes that need washing

The bedrooms have no dead bodies hiding in them
bathroom toilets are clean and bleached

it’s not his partner cleaning up behind him either as he says how nice and tidy my son is 😂😂

This.

DH is also very annoyed but thinks I am too harsh.

Does he help clean up after him or does he leave that job for you?

Third or fourth-ing the cleaner suggestion. He may well lack the executive function - spoons theory; holding down a demanding job can make it less easy for an autistic person to cope with home duties on top, and not less - but if he's earning well he can afford to outsource it to someone paid to do it, and not dump it on you.

In my experience you only really learn about cleanliness and finances etc when you move out. He's 23 with a FT job so it's time to go. He can get some real life experience (and if he ever moves back if needed for stints in the future, he'll have learnt to be a better-functioning adult so will be more pleasant to have around).

I agree. I've known some really scummy people who move to their own house and suddenly become really house proud. OP, 23 with a good job is time to move out.

I think making him pay for a cleaner is the answer.

Some people are naturally messy and disorganised, for whatever reason that is, personality or neuro diversity. But if he's sharing a space and he doesn't want to clean it, he'll have to make financial reparations.