Aibu? Is he? Is she?

[mamajong]

So...

DP had a female friend, they were good friends but she moved to New Zealand (before we met) so the friendship was the 'How's the family' type whatsapp every couple of weeks and a phone calls maybe 4 times a year approx. Connected on social media, that type of thing, tbh she was barely on my radar, beyond someone he used to know.

Fast forward she went through a divorce but has remained over there, with no plans to return, but she started messaging and calling more frequently, wanting support and to talk. DP was fine at first but it got a bit 'aggy' if he didn't reply soon enough she would make jokes about 'are you still alive' etc and this moved into comments about social media 'oh I can see you are on Facebook but not bothered to message me'...

DP had his own issues (parents ill health) plus the time difference made it hard and as they'd not seen in other in years he didn't want to up the level.of calls. He tried to cool things gently, explaining he wasn't always free to chat and explaining what was going on, but it was met with low level snark 'fine, but I'm having a tough time too and need your support' etc.

Last weekend we were away, celebrating an anniversary, it was on Facebook so she knew we were away and why, and he got a shitty messages that he didn't call her up to say happy birthday. He replied to say we are away but happy birthday and got no reply, but then a week later got 'I can't believe you still haven't called since you forgot my birthday'

At this point DP sent a firm but polite reply saying he feels like the friendship has run its course and they no longer have common interests so he is going to stop responding. She had a huge reaction saying she can't believe it, she is devastated and will reply once she's had a chance to 'get over the shock'...

I've seen all the messages, DP showed me them readily after I expressed surprise at the strength of the reaction. He asked me what he could have done differently to avoid the upset and drama.

Aibu to think she is the unreasonable one here? Personally I'd only react that way if it was a close friendship not an old acquaintance. DP says they have never had anything other than friendship and I believe him as he has always been very open and honest.

It sounds like your DP has strong boundaries and will enforce them. There's not enough of that in the world, IMO.

DP handled it well, she is unreasonable. Both of you can move on now, without her drama

I agree with @FetchezLaVache
If he's cut her off and/or set boundaries, I don't think you need to overthink how it's gone

She sounds lonely and like she saw it as a stronger friendship than perhaps it was? However, that doesn't make her behaviour reasonable.

What your DP has said is perfectly reasonable and as PP just enforcing his own boundaries in a polite but firm way which is a good thing.

DP handled it well, sounds like she wanted more.

I suspect she was hoping for more than just friendship from you DP after her divorce. Make sure she stays dropped.

He's not being unreasonable at all and probably couldn't have done anything differently. Maybe he could send her a message or have a chat explaining he still likes her and wants to offer friendship and support (if true) but just can't give the communication frequency she's been expecting, but it sounds like she wouldn't react well.
I feel for her as it's hard being in a foreign country, it sucks to uproot your life (which inevitably weakens friendships) for love and have that not work out, and it's sad when a friendship you thought would be there forever isn't the strong tie it once was.
But she's in the wrong for assuming she could unilaterally decide that the friendship was now going to become closer, and especially for getting pass agg and rude about it instead of having a proper chat explaining how she felt.

Maybe she wanted more or maybe she is just lonely and struggling.

Either way, hopefully this will be the push she needed to realize that a married man, busy dealing with his own life, that lives half way across the world, wasn't going to be the person she needed to help get her life in order/feel better.

Your DP handled it really well.

She needs to build her new life in her new country and move on. Dh is doing the right thing having laid it out to her. He can't keep her dangling on a thread of 'I'm here for you' because the situation will just continue and she will stay dependant on him. Shut the door and ignore the bell or knocking, answer once and that's the mistake. He isn't her social worker nor responsible for her well being.

Sounds like your DP handled it about as well as he could have done to be honest.

Edit: Pressed Post too soon!

My best friend has also just been going through a divorce in a foreign country, and as a result I've been spending an awful lot more time on the phone or messaging as a result. But she's my best friend, not someone who I'm barely in touch with any more. And even she understood I wasn't going to be all that communicative while away on holiday etc.!

He needs to block her on eveything, she sounds extreme,'getting over the shock', really? Sounds a bit loopy tbh.

I think your DP handled it well and she over reacted because she's still hurting from a divorce. But it sounds like he was calm and clear all along and she didn't take the hint so stepping back is the only answer

BLOCK!

Your DP did nothing wrong, he has good boundaries. I'd be blocking her now, she sounds extreme

Thanks everyone