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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reconsider the relationship if I dont meet his parents?

42 replies

FirecrackerK · 11/09/2024 10:49

We've been together 10 months and he's from Finland where his parents live.

We are also currently long distance in the UK and visiting each other regularly.

A couple of months ago he said his parents are keen to meet me/invited me to Finland. He then said 'but I think they'll be over here first'.

Fast forward and they are coming for x5 days in a month's time. I asked if he'd made plans yet (as a friend has asked me to to to an event with her the same week) - he said no. Then I mentioned I'd like to meet them and he said 'its definitely a possibility. I haven't planned the trip yet so need to figure it out.'

We are also going on two long weekends together. One before his parents arrive and one after. Now that I've expressed my wish to meet them, if I doesn't happen should I be thinking about moving on?

He met mine months ago, I'm early 30s and want a serious relationship. He's divorced with no kids.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 11/09/2024 15:56

Catza · 11/09/2024 11:52

You are far too pushy for a Finnish person. Things happen when they happen, chill. You want to rethink the relationship, then rethink the relationship. Parents have nothing to do with it.
(Half-Finnish woman living with her partner for three years without either of us meeting each-other’s parents)

Yes, this. Your pushiness is not compatible with how Finns (or other Scandinavians) approach these things. If you would like to make this work, you need to chill a lot more. If you can't do that, then maybe dating a Finn is not for you.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 11/09/2024 16:00

No @katmunchkin

Was 7 months

OP posts:
rainsofcastamere · 11/09/2024 16:08

What difference will it make if you don't meet them? I mean, if everything else is spot on then I don't understand why you have to meet them. I mean eventually of course but it's surely not a deciding factor in whether you love someone or not?

NewName24 · 11/09/2024 16:16

Great post by @TheLever

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 11/09/2024 17:32

TheLever · 11/09/2024 12:51

I don’t know if it’s helpful or not but when I have been navigating my long term relationship this issue of planning in advance has been a bone of contention between us.

I get anxious and like a plan and he is relaxed and likes to be spontaneous, see where things go and doesn’t feel it’s important to plan ahead to the same amount of time and detail I would. We are different in this way and we have had to learn how to compromise.

It stresses him out when I push him for plans and it stresses me out when I feel like there is no plan. It’s not for us to make each other feel better which is why we try to both see each others points of view and come to a compromise.

If someone was messing you about and not committing to anything for a long time I agree it’s a red flag but I do think you are being pushy and this represents your anxiety that he doesn’t like you as much as you like him. But your response to this is that you don’t seem to trust him and you don’t trust it will happen so you are already planning to break up with him. Maybe that is best. He's already told you they are coming and you will meet them he just hasn’t told you the details as it’s a month away and he doesn’t know yet. I don’t get the impression he is messing you about.

My DP doesn’t not plan things because he doesn’t care about me or not love or value me it is his personality. It’s not that I love him more and am more committed because I do plan. We have different drivers of why we do things.

When I am feeling like I need a plan I ask myself why, and if it’s to prove DP loves me then I have to admit this is my insecurity he is not doing this to me on purpose. He also understands I like to have a vague outline at least and he’s not a single guy anymore and life can be complex to plan so he appreciates it when I explain why I need a plan. We have a Google calendar and I put things in it that I have agreed to do and ask him to add tentative plans in when he is aware and he’s aware I might not make them if it isn’t enough notice.

I would say DP I have been invited to X so bear this in mind when your parents are here and let me know what other days work as I don’t want to miss seeing them. Just be upfront instead of nagging him to make plans tell him it’s because you want to go to the event with your friend and that time is now not free. Then it’s up to him what to do next

@TheLever this is an amazing reply, thank you!

I recognized a lot of myself and feeling his efforts or lack of say something about his love. Also about him not acting like a single man as mine sometimes does. He has got better at considering me.

I'm more of a planner but I do see him planning ahead by months sometimes for things he is excited about.

Only thing I will say - he hasn't said I'll meet them. Just that it's a possibility.

My hope is we can meet in the middle with our varying planning styles. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
FirecrackerK · 11/09/2024 17:33

The biggest takeaway from this thread is I need to calm down. I probably do. Been stressed out in general and conflating that with thinking he doesn't see me as serious if I don't meet them.

OP posts:
CeciliaMars · 11/09/2024 18:09

I thought you were going to say you'd been together for years! Chill out - it's only been 10 months!

TheLever · 12/09/2024 07:32

@FirecrackerK all I can say it’s ok to trust your instincts if someone is flakey and lets you down a lot, that’s understandable to be upset about that and not trust someone. You guys need to get to know and trust each other it’s still early days in that respect. It is important that your partners actions do make you feel valued and considered. My partners lack of planning comes back to bite him quite often one example was causing himself hours of stress not booking a hire car until the day he needed it and it ending up way more expensive than he had expected so it’s not always me it impacts and I can find it annoying an unnecessary. You might translate lack of plans into lack of interest but a month is a bit unreasonable expectation. If it gets to a week before and zero plans I can understand how that might be stressful for people like us so you can ask him to give you a heads up when he does know something

SallyWD · 12/09/2024 07:42

DaisyChain505 · 11/09/2024 11:27

You’re being impatient and pressuring him.

You know there coming and I’m sure he will discuss and make plans with them nearer the time or once they’re here.

You don’t want him to feel forced into introducing them to you because you won’t stop going on about it, you want him to introduce them to you because HE wants to.

So back off and stop going on about it and if he brings it up you know he’s serious about you, if not you have your answer.

I agree with this. He's given no indication that you're not meeting them and yet you're talking about ending the relationship.
When my parents visit I don't make plans until they're actually here! Just relax.

boredoflaundry · 15/09/2024 08:23

Pencil in your diary when they’re over. Tell your friend your love to meet up with her but are awaiting details of possibly meeting his parents, based on travel arrangements around then.

your friend shouldn’t feel second in line, but understand a position you aren’t in control of but is important to you.

….. you need to get your head round this one …. When you have kids everything for everyone changes at the drop of a hat! For lots of reasons. It’s life!

Hereforaglance · 15/09/2024 08:48

Poor bloke you will have him up the aisle day after they leave by the sounds of it give the guy a break my word

Lola2321 · 15/09/2024 20:05

I’m with you OP, I’m a planner and often have my diary filled months in advance. If I was planning on meeting friends to attend events at the same time his parents were visiting, I’d be asking my partner the same questions. You can’t keep an open diary and keep friends in limbo.

id explain to him that you are booking events with friends and if he’s like you to meet his parents he needs to work around your diary as he’s unable to make plans ‘so far ahead of time’

I also think a lot of people on here are being unreasonably harsh, I’m pretty certain most people agree to attend events which you may need tickets for more than a day or so in advance

Createausername1970 · 15/09/2024 20:12

Say yes to your friend, but with the proviso that you may need to rearrange, be upfront with her. Say his parents will be over from Finland for a flying visit and you are keen to meet them if possible.

As long as you are clear to your friend that arrangements might change, there isn't an issue. We have all had to juggle from time to time.

cockadoodledandy · 16/09/2024 16:56

Is it possible he’s worried you’re going to start talking to them about how you’re ’keen To settle down’ and going all bunny boiler on him? It’s been 10months. Chill out. Yes it’d be nice to meet his parents but I’m starting to think he’s just being cautious because you seem really high pressure.

cockadoodledandy · 16/09/2024 17:01

FirecrackerK · 11/09/2024 17:32

@TheLever this is an amazing reply, thank you!

I recognized a lot of myself and feeling his efforts or lack of say something about his love. Also about him not acting like a single man as mine sometimes does. He has got better at considering me.

I'm more of a planner but I do see him planning ahead by months sometimes for things he is excited about.

Only thing I will say - he hasn't said I'll meet them. Just that it's a possibility.

My hope is we can meet in the middle with our varying planning styles. Thanks again.

Show quote history

Try relaxing a bit and he might be more amenable to it. If I was still in a new relationship with someone I only saw now and then (long distance) who was quite high maintenance, I’d had already been divorced once and was having my parents (who I also don’t see very often) over to visit, I probably wouldn’t want to commit to anything either.

Sit back and give the man space. You’re early 30s, been together no time at all. If you correct the 10m to take account of the time you actually spend in each others presence it’s probably been more like 4/5 months. It’s very new. You’re probably terrifying him.

Original poster
FirecrackerK · 24/09/2024 18:35

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice on this recently. I did see myself as looking a bit needy after.

I don't think I'm going to meet them. He said something tonight about us catching a flight (which I know is the date after they leave) and he mentioned we would meet at the airport as we wouldn't be together. I know from this he isnt going to invite me to be with him to meet them.

I know what people are saying re taking a chill pill but I did tell him i'd like to. So I feel I need to acknowledge it?

OP posts:
Original poster
FirecrackerK · 24/09/2024 18:37

Alternatively they come and go, and we say nothing about the fact I wanted to be introduced (and they said they wanted to meet me) and it didn't happen.

Would feel odd but would be me taking the relaxed approach.

OP posts:
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