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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not buy friend a birthday gift?

16 replies

redtab · 11/09/2024 10:34

DP and I are friends with another couple. Every birthday we buy each other a gift. Usually, a £40 bottle of champagne.

This year, the couple forgot to buy me a bottle or a gift. That’s fine life’s busy. They bought DP a bottle for his birthday.

We forgot to buy one for one half of the couple on their birthday. It is the other half of the couple’s birthday this weekend and we are seeing them.

DP wants to buy both of them a bottle of champagne. So that’s £80. I said, well seeing as they forgot to get me something, we’re probably ok to only buy a bottle of champagne for the person whose birthday it is.

AIBU to not buy friend a birthday gift who we forgot to buy for and also did not buy for me?

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 11/09/2024 10:36

Presents aren't tit for tat, if you like the person and you want to celebrate them get a present.
If you didn't see the other person for their birthday / they didn't see you for yours then no present needed surely. Or get a less expensive present itf you resent the cost.

RandomUsernameHere · 11/09/2024 10:37

YANBU
The whole exchanging bottles of champagne seems a bit pointless to me anyway.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/09/2024 10:38

I think two bottles in one go is a bit overkill. Just buy the one. Then work out whether you need to keep the arrangement going at all: it’s a nice idea but if you’re keeping tabs on who bought who what rather than giving for giving’s sake, and not always actually seeing each other near enough to each other’s birthdays to give it in time, it’s a bit of a redundant gift giving arrangement.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 11/09/2024 10:39

I think if you are friends and they, once. It would be petty to buy only one.

But also depends on the gap between birthdays. If one of their birthdays was last week and the other this week I would buy one for both. If one was this week and the other January. Probably not.

Then if they are mainly fps friends I would let him make the final call.

But also how are you deciding which one you will not give a present to? Surely it’s both of their responsibility to remember your birthday?

But also money. Can you afford £80 in one go.

zingally · 11/09/2024 13:23

Just swapping bottles of champagne back and forth seems very transactional. No one is giving any thought or care into these presents. Just mindlessly adding a bottle to their weekly shop.
But if they forgot one, and you forgot one, I'd say you're all square. Just go ahead and buy a single bottle for the current birthday person.

GalileoHumpkins · 11/09/2024 13:26

Doesn't that all get a bit boring? Isn't there anything else you can think of to get each other, what if one or more of you stopped drinking?

Janeir0 · 11/09/2024 15:44

I wouldn't bother at all, then everyone gets the himt to just stop buying.

Pictures50 · 11/09/2024 15:51

Perhaps they'd like the habit to die?
Perfect opportunity to let it go.

honeylulu · 15/09/2024 11:16

One bottle is fine. Two looks silly.
As I've got older it seems to have become more normal to only get a present for a friend if we are actually meeting up to celebrate. Otherwise it's just wishing a happy birthday by text/ social media.

WigglyVonWaggly · 15/09/2024 11:23

It seems like a very mechanical exchange of gifts rather than any thought going into it given that you all get the same gift every time - if anything, they might be glad to let this tradition peter out! Why not break away and get something different? Otherwise, you’re just giving champagne because you received champagne.

JMSA · 15/09/2024 11:25

I'd just leave it, as it's quite disappointing as gifts go.
Sorry, probably just me!

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 15/09/2024 14:35

I mean I wouldn’t continue this type of gift giving as it just seems silly and unnecessary given it’s just passing the same gifts back and forth.

I agree with others though that gift giving is not transactional. I give gifts I have thought through to people to show I care enough to acknowledge events in their lives.

My youngest DB and SIL will often forget birthdays, they just aren’t overly organised people, it isn’t personal. I have still ordered flowers to be delivered and will send a card for SIL birthday at the end of this month.

clarinsjourney · 15/09/2024 15:56

All sounds a bit petty tbh. Just get one bottle and stop counting who got what for whom and when

YippyKiYay · 15/09/2024 23:51

I'd just get one bottle and make sure they know the 'arrangement' has run its course. It sounds exhausting and expensive. Blame cost of living or something. Once someone forgets a person in the 'chain', it's done.
If it was thoughtful, timely gifts for a friend with no expectations, that's different.

HoppityBun · 15/09/2024 23:53

Why not keep the bottles unopened and just swap them backwards and forwards between you?

HeddaGarbled · 15/09/2024 23:59

£40 bottles of champagne going back and forth all seems a bit shallow show-offy to me. Break free of this nonsense and get them something cheaper but more personal.

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