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Original poster

Difficult atmosphere at home - depression?

17 replies

Rosetintedsunglasses · 11/09/2024 08:52

I think my OH is depressed. He's having a hard time at work and we had been having relationship issues for a year or so and were on the verge of splitting, but been trying hard to be better to one another and recently it had improved to the point of discussing getting married soon.
However we had an argument on the weekend about finances and his work has been stressful for months. I came home from work on Monday eve and there's several holes in one of the walls (from kicking a chair over) and he was being quite hard to speak to. Saying everything about his life is shit and sulking around. I made him dinner and tried to talk through it but he's still in the same mood since. I have suggested he needs therapy in the past but he refuses to go.
I don't know what to do? I know it is not all about me and he must be struggling but it's so difficult to come home after a 13 hour work day to this atmosphere, I feel am waiting for the next thing to set him off and wondering if he is punishing me for the argument we had. He refuses to help himself and it's making me want to leave but I'd be worried about how he would cope if I did. No kids involved.

OP posts:
Janeir0 · 11/09/2024 08:54

I dont understand why you have discussed marrying him....this is not a healthy relationship.

Original poster
Rosetintedsunglasses · 11/09/2024 09:19

@Janeir0 I know I am wondering myself as things have gone downhill

OP posts:
Soozikinzii · 11/09/2024 09:31

My DH has depression so I do understand . We have been married for 42 years he didnt have depression when we got together but has always been a glass half empty person .His came after a stroke which is apparently common. It is very difficult living with a depressed person . Its almost like they want you to be depressed as well . They do have better spells but you never quite know when its going to be bad, like on holidays, which can be ruined . I'd think very carefully about how you want the rest of your life to pan out .

cestlavielife · 11/09/2024 09:34

Leave or he leaves until he sees gp and gets help

You can take charge here and act.
It s in your hands to make it clear to him
I am leaving . You get help.

He will get help or not but a flying chair or missed wall punch could kill or injure you

lateatwork · 11/09/2024 09:36

Leave. You can't fix him and it doesn't sound like it has been working for you for a while.

Original poster
Rosetintedsunglasses · 11/09/2024 10:12

Yeah I don't think he is willing to help himself without something changing and I'm still feeling stressed 2 days later with his behaviour.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 11/09/2024 16:50

No kids so just decide which of you moves out.
And call 999 if he says he is suicidal

Haroldwilson · 11/09/2024 16:54

I don't get when people are like this. Yes, getting help is scary and difficult. But so is living like this. What is the risk in trying? That he admits there's a problem?

It feels like a toxic masculinity thing where rather than admit he's vulnerable, he'd rather live like this and make you live like this too.

You can't choose what he does. You can only choose what you do. If I were you I'd make it clear you won't live like this much longer. You're not his misery sponge.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 11/09/2024 17:00

Haroldwilson · 11/09/2024 16:54

I don't get when people are like this. Yes, getting help is scary and difficult. But so is living like this. What is the risk in trying? That he admits there's a problem?

It feels like a toxic masculinity thing where rather than admit he's vulnerable, he'd rather live like this and make you live like this too.

You can't choose what he does. You can only choose what you do. If I were you I'd make it clear you won't live like this much longer. You're not his misery sponge.

He probably doesn't regard himself as ill, which is perfectly common with Depression because it completely robs you of your objectivity, hence why he has no interest in getting help.

Whataretalkingabout · 11/09/2024 17:42

I wouldn't stay one minute longer with a man-baby who kicks holes in the walls and sulks. The wall kicking is displaced violence; no wonder you are stressed, next time it could be you. Put yourself first OP and get away.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 11/09/2024 17:48

If he’s not willing to find a solution then why should you keep trying? Sorry to hear this. You need to have some fun or at least some peace. Life’s too short for being with someone who’s not willing to try and help himself. God forbid you might need someone to lean on one day. Take care of yourself.

Haroldwilson · 11/09/2024 23:09

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 11/09/2024 17:00

He probably doesn't regard himself as ill, which is perfectly common with Depression because it completely robs you of your objectivity, hence why he has no interest in getting help.

Show quote history

I get that. But he's punching holes in walls, saying his life is shit, his relationship is at risk and his partner is asking him to try therapy. The idea must at least have occurred to him

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 11/09/2024 23:24

Haroldwilson · 11/09/2024 23:09

I get that. But he's punching holes in walls, saying his life is shit, his relationship is at risk and his partner is asking him to try therapy. The idea must at least have occurred to him

Show quote history

No, because as far as he's concerned, all that's wrong is "everything in his life is shit", and if it weren't so, he wouldn't feel the way he does and be acting the way he is.

You'd be surprised just how many people have been in the grip of a severe depression for years on end and it's never once occurred to them they might be suffering from a recognisable, diagnosable illness. It's probably not as prevalent as it used to be because more and more people have some general awareness of Depression and an inkling of what is is, so it's more likely someone else might suggest it to you, but it's one of the most cruel aspects of the illness, i.e. it robs you of insight and objectivity.

I've been there myself. I spent the thick end of 15 years completely convinced that I was just a bit moody and my bad moods were worse than most people's, and that if everything in my life was a bit less shitty then I'd be just a-ok. This is including periods of being totally dysfunctional and unable to even get out of bed for days or weeks on end. It didn't occur to me even once I had Depression, because so far as I was concerned, Depressed people sat in the corner sobbing and cradling themselves. Total ignorance and a lack of insight into the fact I was, indeed, ill.

Original poster
Rosetintedsunglasses · 12/09/2024 09:16

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 11/09/2024 23:24

No, because as far as he's concerned, all that's wrong is "everything in his life is shit", and if it weren't so, he wouldn't feel the way he does and be acting the way he is.

You'd be surprised just how many people have been in the grip of a severe depression for years on end and it's never once occurred to them they might be suffering from a recognisable, diagnosable illness. It's probably not as prevalent as it used to be because more and more people have some general awareness of Depression and an inkling of what is is, so it's more likely someone else might suggest it to you, but it's one of the most cruel aspects of the illness, i.e. it robs you of insight and objectivity.

I've been there myself. I spent the thick end of 15 years completely convinced that I was just a bit moody and my bad moods were worse than most people's, and that if everything in my life was a bit less shitty then I'd be just a-ok. This is including periods of being totally dysfunctional and unable to even get out of bed for days or weeks on end. It didn't occur to me even once I had Depression, because so far as I was concerned, Depressed people sat in the corner sobbing and cradling themselves. Total ignorance and a lack of insight into the fact I was, indeed, ill.

Show quote history

That's fair enough but would you expect your partner just to put up with your anger and other issues until you figure that out?

OP posts:
Seas164 · 12/09/2024 09:24

Do you like being in a relationship with him? Are you having a good time? Does it make you feel good, loved, seen, supported and the best version of yourself?

I'm guessing the answers to all of those questions are no. Don't stay in a relationship with this man. Look for alternative accommodation today and get out. I do not say this lightly but next time it could be your face, and even it doesn't escalate, there is a whole world out there, full of people and experiences, you owe it to yourself to make choices that don't involve a grown man punching holes in the walls of your home.

Mischance · 12/09/2024 09:25

My late OH suffered with depression, but was very reluctant to seek treatment. When I eventually cajoled him into seeking help, the anti-depressant helped enormously and I felt as though I had my partner back. But after 2 years he chose to stop the medication and things went back to square one. I stuck with it as we had 3 children and I loved and respected him in so many other ways. But it was not easy - everything I tried to do for us all had to crawl over the barrier of his anxiety before it could happen ... holidays, outings of any kind, changes in routine etc. Sometimes he was OK once we got there. It was challenging. You need to decide whether the other things about him balance out to make it a viable relationship. Please don't feel guilted into staying if it is not what you want.

cestlavielife · 12/09/2024 16:16

You leaving might just get across the message to him to get help
If it does not then sadly nothing you can do other than call 999 if he ecpresses suicidal intent

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