Would you always believe the child?

[historiccastles]

So this has happened to a family I know, not me, but it has grated on me.

A mum and a stepdad together since the kid was a toddler. The kid, now a pre-teen, alleges the stepdad hits him and yells at him. A referral is made to social services.

The mum sticks by the stepdad, says he can't possibly have done it. Eventually social services determine not sufficient evidence to take action and they think kid may have exaggerated or lied. So she now feels vindicated.

Bear in mind I've heard all this second hand.

If I had been in her shoes, I'd have ended the relationship. Whether it were true or not, if my child felt strongly enough against the stepdad to say this, there is a problem.

What would you have done?

I think it's ridiculous to have a policy of always believing, or always not believing someone.

I think this whenever there's a thread where a child has said something happened with a teacher and the replies are often "well children lie, a teacher wouldn't behave like that".
Don't automatically believe anyone. But don't automatically dismiss anyone either.

I agree with the posters saying that in this case, if the teenager is lying, that still means there is an issue to be addressed.

I agree with the posters saying that in this case, if the teenager is lying, that still means there is an issue to be addressed.

Yes but it’s not always the best solution to end the relationship which was what the OP suggested. MN hates step parents and blended families and will happily suggest that someone ends a relationship at the smallest thing to “put the kids first”. But what if the child lies about a biological parent? Would you divorce the child’s father because they clearly feel unhappy enough to lie about him? Or if you are the target yourself? How do you deal with the “issue” then? Would you move out of your home or send the child to the other parent?

I think giving in to a demand like that can be quite damaging. Sometimes what a child needs to hear is that you know they are lying, lying is wrong but we can all move on and forgive each other. If the child’s lies lead to people losing jobs or families breaking down, that’s a huge burden and responsibility to place on the child, one that is likely to haunt them into adulthood.

It’s like the book/film Atonement. The main character is a child with an overactive imagination, she comes up with a far fetched story that everyone believes and which she feels she can’t backtrack from, an innocent man is sent to jail and she spends the rest of her life trying to atone for it. That’s where “always believe children” can end up. The child might be wishing that you DON’T believe them.

Well that's the thing. The mum seems to think it's all done and dusted now but I think the kid needs some kind of help regardless of what happened, not just to brush it all under the carpet.

I realise I don't know the whole story but something about it bothers me.

My DD8 can embellish things and some times does make stuff up regarding things at school etc. However I would 100% believe her if she said someone had hit/assulated her and support her through it

What do you mean? There's nothing you can do except protest your innocence.

Tricky, wouldn't automatically believe. Children lie. Extreme damage can be done. I'd know!

It doesn't matter if it bothers you though, particularly.

You don't know what's going on behind closed doors, what help the boy is getting in private. You don't know if the boy lied (because he doesn't like his step dad or because he's troubled in some other way), or if the step dad is a tyrant and the mum is being amused.

Turning someone else's family problems into a hypothetical "What would you do?" is distasteful. None of us knows until we're in that situation, and we don't even know that woman's reasoning.

If you are close to anyone in this family, just offer support and keep an open mind.

Being completely honest, no I wouldn’t automatically. My child told me that her teacher slammed her fingers in her desk. I know this teacher very well and I know my child very well. It did happen but was entirely an accident. My child wasn’t lying, it’s just their perception (SEN) wasn’t the full picture and of course the difference between a teacher catching a child’s fingers by accident and callously slamming it down is HUGE and career/life defining. You do need to have some discernment. I would imagine get frequent false (and sadly some real) accusations against foster carers. Discernment is needed for everyone’s sake.

People who think this is black and white probably haven't parented a child with a traumatic past. My daughter tells lies and is only 9. Things like brother did XYZ. I question brother, she turns out to be the antagonist and later admit it.
They aren't harmful lies at the moment, but I am terrified of what she might say in the years to come and how we will cope with it.

Yes but that’s clearly a situation where you know your child to be lying and would have to say so. A lot of people on here saying kids wouldn’t make something like that up assume it could never happen to them. It’s all well and good when it’s someone else but a child who lies about a step parent may well turn on the biological parent too.

And for the people who say that it’s a good idea to get rid of the step dad because the kid is clearly unhappy would you “get rid” of yourself if you were the one accused? Would you move out of the home and let the child live full time with the other parent because clearly s/he is unhappy if they have lied about you abusing them? I don’t think many people would.

I wouldn't necessarily believe an accusation against someone simply because it was a child who made it, not if it had been thoroughly looked into and I was convinced it wasn't true. How I approached it would depend on the context, obviously. Some children can and do manipulate, exaggerate, and lie to get their way, and it isn't good to give in to their every whim. And then there are the situations where children aren't being intentionally misleading, yet still misinterpret or misrepresent something that's happened.

But yes, if I had a child who had (apparently) falsely accused someone of mistreating them, I'd take it seriously and insist on addressing the root of the problem. It wouldn't be much of a life for anyone without taking steps to understand why they accused the other person and how the situation could be improved.