Wondering if I should set him free

[Mac179]

I am in a dilemma. Been married 17 years with 2 dc who we both love and we have a good relationship except one thing.
We had several years of heartache trying to conceive youngest including several miscarriages. The whole ordeal has diminished any sexual appetite I had. We have tried a few things over the years to try and improve things but I am now at the point where I would be quite happy never having sex again. AIBU to stay in a sexless marriage when I know dh wants to have a physical relationship so should I set him free ?

No!! There's no "setting free" in marriage. For better, for worse. Don't be hasty, I understand your predicament and your DH will have to respect it. At the same time, surely you could perhaps try and make a little effort, I know it's hard when you're not feeling it but breaking up a marriage/family due to sex is really heartbreaking and shouldn't be considered. Don't do it OP! X

Ps sorry I wanted to add that I'm so sorry that you experienced some difficulties with ttc, my heart goes out to you on that.

How old is your youngest? Because libido can wave goodbye when you have young dc.

She’s 7

I would give it more time OP. Maybe get some help from a therapist? Make time to do things together that encourage intimacy and closeness (not sex, at least initially) like spa days, romantic meals out with a few glasses of wine, giving each other a back rub/massage. You need to reconnect and get back a place where you feel physically close and safe again.

How does your DH feel about the situation? Does he want to be "set free"?
And what is he doing to help resolve the situation?

Not sure we haven’t discussed it for a couple of years and it’s been months since any intimacy. He is a loving partner tells me I look nice, he loves me, kisses, cuddles etc etc but I guess we have both stopped trying and I seem to be ok with that but I have a feeling he isn’t hence the reason I think I am being unfair to him.

I did consider therapy as I think there maybe a mental block there. I still love him and find him attractive but when it comes to intimacy I shut down.

I understand how you feel however my children are 4 and 1 so we're very much in the thick of it at the moment. My husband and I are great companions but our intimate life has taken a huge break since having children. We've both admitted to each other that sex seems like such effort right now because we're so bloody tired all the time!

Have you considered couples counselling/therapy or a sex therapist? Maybe a night away together, date nights etc

You say you shut down when it comes to intimacy - is he turning you on? Is his idea of foreplay the same as yours?

And what if she never wants to have sex again? Should her husband just 'respect it' despite his own, very valid, want of a sexual relationship with his wife?

You can't set your husband free because he isn't captive. At this point he is clearly choosing to stay with you. An honest conversation is needed between the two of you about the future.

You need to reflect on which is more important to you - a celibate life or your marriage to this man. He needs to do the same - a sex life or marriage to you.

It isn't the right thing to do to keep him hanging on or let him think things might change in the future if you have no intention of working on it with him (for want of a better phrase). He then has a decision to make and, if he stays, you need to be aware that it might be a decision that will change in the future. If you're prepared to work with him and seek some help you then you have a path forward.

You really really need to sit down with DH and have a full and frank talk about this.

He has the right to know the score and he can make an informed choice.

Also there may be some counselling which could be helpful to you - not saying that you owe him sex, but would you like to want sex again?

It's not time yet to call it a day IMO because he's in the dark and there are other options atm.

FWIW dh and I haven't had sex for years (about 10). We both lost our libido completely in our 50's (he doesn't even masterbate) but we have talked about it fully, check each are still OK regularly, and are still affectionate and have cuddles.

Get yourself to therapy. This doesn’t sound liked a doomed situation. Just something you could both use a little help through. Wishing you all the luck.

Unless both parties want it, a sexless marriage rarely works.

@rainsofcastamere to answer simply, yes.
Are we seriously putting sex at the top of the list when it comes to what's important in a marriage? You shouldn't be married if so, that's crazy. Marriage clearly isn't valued anymore and that's so sad, it's not a disposable thing.
Intimacy comes in different forms, besides things can change.

I have been married for almost 20 years, to the kindest, loveliest man in the world. I'm fully aware of how a good marriage operates without an explanation from you or an analysis on if I should be married or not.

Sex in its many forms is incredibly important for the vast majority of marriages. It differentiates between a marriage and a friendship. If one part of that couple decides that their feelings are more valid than the other then you've got a problem. To take away that important aspect from someone and expect them to just 'live with it' is the very opposite to what constitutes a good marriage.

Have you considered an open marriage?

You need to talk. Find out what he's thinking. And yes he may want 'set free' but more likely he wants to have a full marriage with you. My libido went missing in peri menopause, hormones helped, it's come back again now.

But this isn't a unilateral decision...and really would you rather be on your own, watching your kids spend time with him an another woman every other weekend , than try and get this back?

Yes, it's really important, and if it's not possible for whatever reason it needs discussion.