Please be gentle, needing advice...

[SpecialPerson]

Bit of backstory without going into too much detail. Husband has Bipolar, has seeked helped in the past, with not much success, Dr's solution is always meds which did not agree with him before so he refuses and he doesn't like talking therapies or anything so he won't get help.

He is in a low depression mood now and really struggling, of course me and the children are the ones who take the brunt of it. I support him as much as I can but..

I have enough on trying to keep a smile on my face for the sakes of the children. But also dealing with my terminally ill brother who is not doing well at the moment and looking out and supporting my elderly parents, I am at my wits end. It is starting to hit me and I don't know what to do as I need to be strong for everyone.

I know I need to concentrate on myself too but I just need my supporting husband by my side not him shut in a room not talking to us.

Yes I know how serious and bad depression and Bipolar is, we have lived with it for years but he will not seek any further help.

I feel like I am being selfish wanting/needing some support from my husband...

Be more selfish. You are supporting so many people and trying to keep everything together that if you keep this up you will crack.

It is entirely reasonable to expect support and care from your partner in times like these. If you cannot get that support seek it elsewhere. I know your family aren't in a great place, but what about friends?

Eventually you will have to think about whether this is the life you want, as if DH isn't seeking any help it might never change. Whatever you decide, it is okay. You have a right to live happily, without walking on eggshells for the rest of your days.

You aren't being selfish. And you are allowed to be selfish! If we won't get help then do you have to stay with him? How old are children? I couldn't allow that around my children I'd have to have him move out and say come back to us when you're well again

Your dh cannot refuse meds and then refuse all other help offered to him. BPD won't go away on its own.

As awful as it sounds if he won't help himself then there is nothing you can do and for the safety of you and the children i would look at ways to leave until he gets help.

You need to be selfish and look out for yourself for a bit. It's clear your dh won't or can't support you so leab on other family or friends.

You need to protect your own wellbeing

I’m so sorry OP: that’s a lot to be dealing with.

I presume you’ve already done so, without success, but if you haven’t, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to talk to your husband and tell him precisely what you’re going through and that you need him to support you this time. Know that he may not like his meds, but that you are stretched so thin that you would really like for him either to commit to taking his meds for a while to take some of the pressure off you, or for him to at least step up and be more present for you and the children while you’re facing this bereavement and trying to support your parents.

Try being clear that you have been trying to juggle everything but that you now need him and his support, just as he has needed yours for all these years, and can he please try to step up for you?

I don’t think you’ll get anywhere without asking, and it may be very difficult for him to break out of the dynamic where his condition takes priority over everything and everyone else. I hope for your sake that he has enough redeeming qualities that he’s not embraced a dynamic where you have to put up with everything and can never put your own needs first, and will be reluctant to give up his position as the one who needs or deserves most consideration. I hope he’s not that selfish. But how he behaves now is probably a good test of what you can expect from him in the future.

As much as you love him, and as sympathetic as you doubtless are to his struggles, he also needs to be willing to help himself and it isn’t fair for you to have to be his carer and put up with all of that indefinitely if he isn’t willing to work with you and his medical team to mitigate with meds or talking therapies or both. That’s not a life. You’re his wife, not his carer and/or emotional punchbag. And I would guess that you do the lion’s share of parenting, housework, and tackling the mental load.

You are not being selfish. It’s not selfish to express your needs or expect your husband to do his share in supporting you when you need it.

Your husband has a right to refuse treatment for Bipolar Disorder. However, he does not have a right to make the lives of you and your children miserable. He needs to clearly understand the consequences of his actions will probably end up with him losing his relationship and family.

The last thing in the world you are being is selfish. If he will not compromise and get help, you are probably going to have to make some hard decisions to protect your own mental health, and that of your children.

If anyone is being selfish here it’s not you. BPD doesn’t go away by itself and if he’s going to refuse meds because they don’t “suit” him and he doesn’t like taking them he’s basically making the decision that you have to live with and support someone with a serious and unmanaged mental health condition. Did you agree to that when he discussed it with you?

Your husband can't just check out though. I couldn't live with someone who refused to help themselves.

You are not a support human for everyone else OP.

I think you have to decide whether this is the life you want or whether it's time to get better boundaries in place and have a discussion with your DH about the pressure you are under.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone where I was basically his mother or support person. What is the point?

Perhaps encourage him to see a private psychiatrist if you can afford it. They have more sophisticated medical treatment at their disposal.

I agree you need to be selfish here.

I think this is one of those times when it's worth remembering the analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on before helping other people OP. You can't be everyone's support human without taking care of yourself.

Your DH has checked out of the family, which is a horrible thing to be dealing with, but he is an adult and if anyone is being selfish it's him. Yes, I know he's got a MH condition, but that's not a get out of jail free card. He needs to seek help for himself and if he won't or if he won't take the meds or engage with the therapy that is recommended by medical professionals for his MH condition, then that's on him. He is an adult with capacity and that is his right, but it's also your right to focus on yourself, your DC and your wider family. It sucks that he isn't the support that you need him to be right now, but he isn't and you need to accept that.

So what do you need to help you feel better? It's time to figure that out. Do you have friends, neighbours, other family members or colleagues you can confide in? If the answer is yes, put them in the picture, grab a coffee, go for a walk, chat on the phone or over the fence, but reach out. The other thing I recommend is deciding what your boundaries are. Do you need to ring-fence a time each week just for you and the DC? Do you need to get out and go for a run three times a week? Or attend a particular workout class? Would putting your phone on silent sometimes help? Or would going and having a chat with the GP about your mental load help? Just because your DH won't reach out for help, maybe it would help you to do so?

I voted YABU. Only because it’s unreasonable to expect support when you know he’s not capable of that right now.

You are not unreasonable for wanting a supportive husband though. That’s just not always on the table when you marry someone with a mental illness.

Ok, this is a long one to try and give an idea and answer some questions...

Firstly thank you everyone, you have really made me open my eyes and I think deep down I know it's wrong, but when your living in it, it's difficult to sometimes see.

We are a close family. There is obviously only so much I can say to his family although they do know about his depression and that he can get bad, he will not listen to them either in regards to getting help.

I can't and don't want to put any more onto my parents (my mum I usually confined in) but when their son (my brother) is at his last stages of life after fighting cancer for the past year, is just a no, no.

Being with my husband for over 20 yrs and married 15 of them, I kind of don't have that many friends. He is my best mate. I probably have 2 true friends and they are going through a lot at the moment too. Hence I cried out on here really.

His mental health issues developed before covid time, I think it was worry about money/work and then it's almost like something hit him that he is not going to ever be able to afford to retire, and so he will be working all his life and then it came about he said he is going to 'end things' when he gets to retirement age as he is not working all his life.

I work part time at the moment because of all the caring I do and I am also re studying to get a better/higher paid position and yes we have 2 children 10 and 18yrs. My 10yr old is autistic, so needs a lot more care than usual. So I have a lot to deal with and yes I shouldn't be his carer too and no I don't want to be. I do all the house work, cooking, cleaning parenting. Because he works full time he doesn't have time to do anything else, yes he is the main earner and pays for the big bills, but I pay for bills too plus do everything else.

When he is not zoned out in his low mood/depression, he is a great husband, friend and dad. Which is what makes it so difficult and never ever thought about leaving him or anything else.

I do feel like I am going to break if I don't seek help soon. So for me and to keep myself strong I will try and find some help somewhere - Thank you.

Can you give him a list of housework jobs that need doing. When feeling down it's hard to organise yourself to know what to do. Exercise doing housework may help him - especially good if he doesn't want drugs or counselling. Any outside jobs even better. Start small and easy with the list.

If he can't manage this then you may need a bigger talk.