Single, without kids. Does it ever get better or is there always going to at keast a tiny yearn to be conventional?

[idontwannabeanythingotherthanwhativebeentrynabe]

I know this is mumsnet, but I’ve seen all kinds of oeople commenting, so I’ll try to ask here.

So, as a quick background in my very late 30’s now, never been in a relationships, don’t have kids.

As a teen and 20’s it was rough to be so different, mostly about the dating part.
Being afraid to be so different, the shame, the loneliness.

Then came all the wedding and baby announcements, everything was surrounded by these life events / peope, being left out and pretty forgotten.

After that it seemed to relax a bit and I also started to accept that this is how my life was going to go.
Long, long road to make peace with it all.
Thought that was going to be that.

But for the past six months or so, I’ve had really bad anxiety about it all again.
Is this about getting older / physical stuff around fertility maybe?
I wake up from nightmares of being totally alone (I’m an only child).

I thought with age we were supposed to become more confident, thought I was getting there, but started to feel really fragile.

Is it because there’s always going to be pressure to be ’normal’, have a conventional life, accepted that way?

I don’t know what’s happening lately.

Think about what you want. I'm 34 never been in a serious relationship, still a virgin. But I wanted a child, so I'm now 34 weeks pregnant with IVF.
It's not about conventional, it's about your needs and lifestyle.
Do you want a relationship? Do you want a child? Together? Separately?
There's no right or wrong. Only what works for you.

Maybe you should live somewhere else? In my medium sized city I have friends of all ages in various kinds of living situations and relationships (or not), with and without kids, with ‘proper’ jobs and with low paid vocations, and with weird but well attended hobbies. I can’t imagine many people not finding their niche. In the town I grew up though you were weird if you didn’t have kids and/or a career well underway by 30.

OP I very much relate to what you say. I too am an only child. I don't know why, but I have always felt a bit 'different'. I am also late 30s and did not have a relationship until a few years ago. I don't think I had the confidence to pursue one until then.

I too worry about ending up alone (should anything happen to my partner). I have however managed to make some good friends in the last few years too.

All of the new people I have met enrich my life (and I hope I enrich their lives in return).

I think that if you are having anxiety about being alone, it would be a good idea to try to expand your circle, but it doesn't have to be with a partner or children. But I think it's a natural human feeling to want to be part of a community and have connections.

You are very welcome to send me a message too, if you would like to speak more.